


No Control

by harrystylesandstuff



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Smut, Teacher-Student Relationship, University AU, alternative universe, larry quotes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-26 08:06:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 46,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2644403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrystylesandstuff/pseuds/harrystylesandstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s Louis’ first day as a drama teacher in Holmes Chapel University. He doesn’t want to get out of bed but he does anyway. His day changes when his eyes land on a tall curly haired student, teaching him more about life than he could ever teach about drama.</p><p>It's Harry's last first day at Uni and he's never been so excited to be done with Holmes Chapel and move to California. His plans change when his eyes land on his drama teacher, a man who will show him more than he ever thought was possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Louis Tomlinson

**Author's Note:**

> Hi ! 
> 
> This is my first Larry fanfic. I'm trying to put as many loved references including current events so I hope every Larry shipper can enjoy !
> 
> Please let me know what you think, I'll try to update everyday.

It’s 6 am. The light barely shines through the curtains. The sweet morning silence is taking over the room as Louis’ lashes start to flutter. The alarm is set for 6:30 am and he wants to die.

     It’s been months now since he last felt alive and willing to wake up. He knows this goes far beyond the mere state of laziness that overwhelms someone when having to get out of bed in the early morning. This is different. This is a burden, a black hole, a wave that keeps him drowning, unable to breathe and think properly, stuck underwater and waiting for the right time to just let go.

     This morning he knows he has to get up soon though. It’s his very first day teaching drama in Holmes Chapel since he moved there two months ago. He needed the change. Or at least that’s what he’s convinced himself of. Truth is, he had to leave the past behind. He misses his family of course, his mother and his sisters and the newborn twins, but if he hadn’t left, he’s not sure he’d be strong enough to keep going.

    He puts a foot outside the blanket, face still burried in the pillow, and lets it drag his body on the floor where he lies for a while, wondering when life got so hard opening his eyes became such an effort. When he finally emerges from his wander, it’s seven. He rushes to the bathroom, no time for a shower, and hops in his car, wishing he didn’t get an SUV this big ; the last thing he wants is to get noticed. Being the youngest teacher in this new University would be a challenge. Most professors are middle aged or even older and much more experienced than he is and it frightens him so much he could barely stare at his fridge for breakfast before getting into his car.

    On his way to Holmes Chapel University, he keeps his eyes on the road and beyond. The leaves are crackling, hit by the soft wind singing at Louis’ ears with his windows down. He takes a deep breath and takes in the sight in front of him. The building is not as big as the one in London but it sure is immense enough to seem important and he’s certain he hasn’t seen anything this high and clean in the rest of the town. As he reaches the parking lot, he can’t help himself and takes a glimpse at the students, the staff, the dynamic outside the campus, the atmosphere around him. Everybody seems serious and stressed, uptight even, nothing unusual for one of the highest institute in the country. When he finally finds a spot, he sighs before grabbing his folders and duffle bag - he knows how unprofessional it may look but he’d stopped caring a long time ago - and open his door before getting out of his car and heading towards the entrance.

He doesn’t quite know what it is that people are staring at but he assumes it’s because he’s the newbie and looks too young to be teaching here so he keeps walking towards the main office to check his schedule and room assignment.  There he meets a nice woman who introduces herself as ‘Perrie the office fairy’ which she seems to find amusing, which Louis does not. She must take the hint because her smile fades and she hands him his papers before greeting someone else waiting for her. Nice job Louis.

 ’10:30 am – Dickens Hall - Room 250’

 Louis figures he’ll take the extra time he has to find the room and not get lost on his way. It takes less than ten minutes to get there though so he stops to grab a cup of Yorkshire tea in the lobby and sits on the nearest bench facing his classroom. There, he watches carefully as students enter the building. They all seem really smart, rich and extremely self centered, as he catches conversations around him, and decides he will try his best not to roll his eyes every five seconds. He keeps eaves dropping here and there when his eyes land on a tall, curly haired guy talking with a deep voice,  so slow it seems like time was longer when he moved his lips. His lips. They’re a sin yet so angelic it doesn’t make any sense. They’re light pink and plump and Louis decides it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. When his eyes start to go up the boy’s face, he notices his hair. He has long curly dark chestnut hair tucked behind his ear on his left side and swept across his forehead as if to handle a former fringe. Louis decides it’s the second most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Before he has to stop himself from drooling , he quickly drops his head in his cup of tea in time so that the beautiful boy doesn’t catch him staring. When he finally gets up to reach his class, head still hidden in his cup, his chest feels suddenly too hot and his cup is no longer in his hand when he hears an embarassed voice squeaking.

 ‘Oops !’ the voice slightly screams in panick and Louis watches in fury his blazer covered with tea burning his chest where part of it splashed. When he lifts his head up, he freezes. It’s the tall curly haired student.

 ‘Hi’ he starts without thinking and blushing a bit, voice high pitched. He clears his throat, nearly choking, before correcting himself. ‘I mean, you’re alright, I didn’t get too much on my shirt and I was the one not watching where I was going. Good way to go for a first day huh ? ‘ He jokingly says, surprised at his flow of words.

 ‘It’s entirely my fault, I was distracted. Good luck on your first day.’ The boy says and flees towards one of the seats in the first row.

 Great.

 Louis takes off his blazer and rolls his sleeves up before introducing himself once everyone is seated.

 ‘Hello, I am Mr Tomlinson, I will be your drama teacher for this semester and, if it all goes well, for the second semester.’ He says as he writes his name on the blackboard.

 The class goes faster than expected, the students are very receptive and respectful enough not to make any disturbing noise and Louis dismisses them a few minutes early, being the first day known as the introduction, not an actual lecture. It also has to do with the  fact that the curly haired student has been staring at him throughout the whole class, making Louis  squeak every two words and lose track of his thoughts when eyeing the first row.

He collects his stuff when he hears a soft yet deep whisper in front of his desk.

 ‘Mr Tomlinson ?’ the voice says.

 ‘How may I help you ?’ Louis answers without looking up. When he finally does he meets green eyes and a shy smile. This curly haired student is definitely the most breathtaking boy he’s ever had the chance to see, causing him to stutter the last word.

 ‘My name is Harry, Harry Styles, um, can I ask you if you have any plans for the semester ? Any scheduled play ?’ the boy asks and Louis can barely stay focused on his words, the slow pace at which he speaks giving him enough time to stare at his lips and absentmindedly semi open his in awe. He slaps himself internally when he realizes he’s staring at his student like a creep, and tries to come up with an actual answer other than squeaking noises.

 ‘Um, yes, Mr Styles, I have chosen a play that I wrote myself. It’s a play specially written to fit this year’s expected skills in drama. You will learn more about it later on, don’t worry.’ Louis manages to say and Harry nods politely and gives a slight smile as he mouths ‘Thank you’ and exits the room awkwardly. As he does, Louis lets a sigh he didn’t even know he was holding.

 The rest of the day goes by without any relevant incident. He encounters a few members of the teahcing staff, including a gorgeous dark haired English professor called ‘Zayn’. They click rather quickly as it was his first day as well and start hanging out together for lunch and breaks. He also meets the dean, Mr Cowell and feels rather at ease with his decision to accept the offer he got in this town, away from the hectic city.

 When he gets home, all he can think about is the curly haired boy. Harry Styles. He’s aware of how inappropriate it is to think about his student so much but he just can’t get his curls or smell out of his head. He smelled weirdly good, a mixture of salt and vinegar…and innocence. He tries to distract himslef by turning the telly on to catch up on some Homeland and makes himself a sandwich before taking his schedule with him on the couch to check the rest of the week. Pretty soon he finds his mind drifting back to the events of the day, the new people he met, the campus, the rules…the students. He decides to open the folder in which he put the students’ identification notes he asked for at the beginning of his classes and his hand grab one of them randomly.

 ‘Niall Horan

Major : Music

Why drama : Because I had to choose another minor in Art.’

 Louis chuckles and thinks he already likes the kid he clearly remembers. He’s the blond irish student laughing way too loud at the beginning and the end of the class and talking about pints and something about a craig ? Or crac ? Whatever it was, he seemed like a dedicated funny student which Louis has always preferred to the boring uptight students. He continues to read through the notes, a few of them being quite similar

 ‘Why drama : I love acting.’

‘Why drama : I want to become an actress’

‘Why drama : I love performing in front of a crowd’

Most of the personalities reflected seem conformist and not that interesting until he finds the one he’d been dreading for some reason.

‘Harry Styles

Major : Law

Why drama : I love to make people feel something. Drama is like a tool to portray emotions and give life to a story without having to explain everything. ‘

 Louis re reads the note a few times until he catches himself smiling, crinkles forming  by his eyes.

 Harry Styles.

 

 


	2. Harry Styles

 It’s 6 am. The light barely shines through the curtains. The sweet morning silence is taking over the room as Harry’s lashes start to flutter. The alarm is set for 6:30 am and he’s never been so excited to live.

 He’s been waiting all summer for this day to come. His last first day of Uni. He feels happiness rush through his ears when he wakes up that morning, earlier than usual, too eager to start the day. There’s a weird feeling, an exciting feeling in his chest and he rushes to the bathroom to get ready. He throws a dozen clothes on his bed before choosing his favorite pair of black skinny jeans and a simple loose white t-shirt. He styles his hair as usual since he let them grow to his shoulders, tucked behind his ears on the left side, swept accross his head on the right side, trying to tame the previous fringe he had that’s grown in a big chunk of curls. He then decides on his light maroon boots and grabs his leather  backpack he thought looked edgy, and almost runs towards the door before his mom stops him.

 ‘Good Morning love ! Don’t forget your breakfast !’ Harry’s mom yells from the other side of the house, sounding like a far echo from where Harry stands.

 ‘I’ll grab one on campus, love you mum ! ’ He screams in the air and hops in his car, a vintage Mercedes he treats like his baby.

 Harry doesn’t live with his mom anymore but he ended the lease of his old appartment when his roommate, Josh, got a job as a drummer for some boyband and got to tour with them all year round. He couldn’t afford living by himself so he decided to spend the summer in his childhood house with his mom and her husband, Robin, who took care of him even on Harry’s drunken nights, which he was greatly thankful for. He’s been looking for an appartment and a roommate to share it with all summer and has found an affordable one with an Irish boy who goes at his University and has a few classes in common. He will meet with him today for the first time so they can decide on whether they’ll take it or not and if they get along well enough when establishing a roommate agreement.

 When he reaches the parking lot, his eyes widen at the view in front of him. This is it, he thinks. This is the last time he checks his parking permit for the year. He can almost feel his departure to grade school overseas. He’s planned his entire life around one wish : becoming a lawyer in California. He fell in love with Los Angeles when he went on vacation with his parents and his sister, Gemma, and knew this was the place he wanted to spend the rest of his life. From the moment he breathed the californian air he felt home and figured he’d graduate in a British University that allowed him to continue in an American grade school later on. He’s just one year away from his dream and the day couldn’t be brighter for him when he parks, and his eyes land on the car in front of him. In the black SUV, he spots a young looking guy with a black blazer and a white shirt underneath, hair styled in a feathery fringe that seems as soft as actual feathers. He wonders who is this student he’s never seen before, certain he’d remember if he had.

His daydream is interrupted by a loud knock on his window. A blond guy with bright blue eyes stares back at him with a big smile and gestures to open his door. Harry does so and is greeted with an excited hug as he steps out of his car.

 ‘Oi ! I’m Niall, Niall Horan, I’m your potential roommate !’ The blond guy sings with the brightest smile on his face. ‘I saw the appartment, best flat in the world I swear !’ He continues when Harry just smiles, taken off guard when the irish lad puts a hand on his shoulder to steady himself as he laughs from happiness. Harry decides he likes him very much a lot.

 They walk together to their first class and part ways, Niall has history of music in Wilde Hall and Harry has Criminal Justice in Hemingway Hall. They figure they will meet up again in their mutual class in Dickens Hall. Harry is a Law major but has always been interested in performing arts. Although his thing is more singing, he found an open spot in a drama class without any requirements. He loves the way he can make people feel when singing and figured drama is not too far from expressing emotions in some sort of way to catch people's eyes, make them laugh or just touch them somehow.

 On his way to his drama class to meet Niall, he stops in the lobby to check some flyers out, displayed on boards on the main wall. There are a few job opportunities, upcoming talent shows and a trip to London. There’s also an ad to work for the University’s radio. As he reads the ads, a hand on his shoulder forces him to turn around and he’s just a few inches from a tall guy with a high quiff and big greenish eyes.

 ‘Interested in working for the radio ?’ The guy says, smiling.

 ‘Um, not really, I mean I don’t know, I guess’ Harry slowly says, looking blankly away as he tries to make sense and not embarass himself.

 ‘Well, if you ever feel like it, I’m Nick Grimshaw, I run the radio and I’m looking for help. My number is on the flyer if you’re into it.’ Nick says quickly, not letting Harry reject his proposition before walking away, towards another target to promote his radio club.

 He doesn’t have time to check out the rest of the ads when he hears a loud laugh behind him, which he already recognizes instantly.

 ‘Hey mate !’ Niall says as if he had known Harry forever.

 ‘Hiiii, I was waiting for you. Should we go to, um, to the drama class ?’ Harry says, lost in his thoughts about possibly joining a club.

 Niall then begins to tell a seemingly exciting story, about the girl he met in his first class whom he fell on when trying to get to his seat, when Harry bumps into something, or someone.

‘Oops !’ he says, but he gets out more like a squeak. He blushes when he realizes it’s the guy from the SUV and that he poured all his tea on his blazer and a little bit on his white shirt.

 ‘Hi’ The guy says and nearly strangles himself coughing before continuing ‘I mean, you’re alright, I didn’t get too much on my shirt and I was the one not watching where I was going. Good way to go for a first day, huh ?’ He jokes. Harry lets a small smile betray his thoughts and flees to the first row to spare himself from more embarassment.

 He freezes when he hears the guy introduce himself as the new drama teacher ‘Mr Tomlinson’. His head starts spinning and, soon enough, he stops focusing on the class to only stare at the professor. He notices how blue his eyes are, how short he is compared to him, how laid back he must be giving the fact that he’s wearing black Vans with grey socks showing over his skinny black jeans. He looks like an hybrid between a serious teacher and a student and it’s really disturbing. He then starts speaking and Harry feels his throat tighten when he hears his strong accent. He decides it’s the most beautiful voice he’s ever heard and would do anything to hear him speak more.

 The class ends but Harry needs more of his voice for some reason. He waits for everyone to leave before coming to the professor’s desk and intends to sound confident and determined but fails miserably and whispers instead. He doesn’t even remember what he asked him, he just wanted him to speak forever. As Mr Tomlinson spoke, all Harry could focus on was the older man’s eyelashes and he decides it’s the most beautiful thing that exists. They’re so long he can see their shadow on the man’s cheeks as he gathers his papers on his desk.

 The rest of the day goes by without any relevant incident, he decides to move in with Niall who seems cool enough to have fun and get along with. They agree on the moving date two days from today and each of them leave towards their car.

 When Harry comes home, he goes straight to his room and lands on his bed, face down. All he could think of on the way home was the eyelashes and the blue eyes. He knows how inappropriate it is to think about his professor so much but he just can’t get him out of his mind. He finally gets up to do his first assignment for International Law when his hands end up on the drama class folder where he put his schedule, the syllabus, and the details on the play. When he reads the syllabus, he catches himself crack a dopey smile.

 ‘Drama class of 2014

 Dickens Hall – room 250

 Syllabus

 Louis Tomlinson’

 Louis Tomlinson.

 

 


	3. Please Take Care of Yourself

The second day, Louis is slightly more willing to get up for some reason. He still struggles to open his eyes and finds himself letting a heavy sigh followed by a groan echo in his pillow, but he doesn’t stay laying around as usual. He surprises himself with a smile when his mind goes to those green eyes and soft curls he hasn’t been able to get out of his head. There’s something about the boy, something he can’t quite pick up but he can feel it in his whole body, like a bond he can’t figure. When he gets out of the shower, he runs his eyes up and down himself in front of the mirror. He stares at his messy growing beard for a while, wanting to shave for a split second but too tired and already late to do so. He grabs a pair of  black skinny jeans, a white button up and a thin navy blue knit sweater, styles his long hair in a quiff before deciding on putting a headband to keep his fringe from falling in his eyes. He slips into his black moccasin, low enough to show his ankles, and reaches his car to get going.

  His first two classes go by smoothly, his students are very dedicated to their tasks and talented, which encourages him to do a good teaching job, to help them better themselves, which he loves. He doesn’t really remember how he ended up as a teacher. He’s never been the serious exemplary student, didn’t really make any effort in the subjects he wasn’t interested in, was more interested in distracting the class being goofy and loud. However, he knew he loved drama the second he started rehearsing for the part he got in school as Danny Zuko for their performance of Grease. That’s also when he found out he likes to sing. His voice is like a soft cackle, a high pitched soothing sound that could end wars despite his lack of confidence on the matter. He did fantasize about a career in music when he saw the auditions for the show X Factor four years ago but he'd convinced himself he wasn’t good enough to get picked so he, once again, just watched the show from his couch.

      By the time it’s lunch break, he meets up with Zayn in the staff cafeteria. They keep chatting about random things. Louis tells him why he became a drama teacher, that he moved from Doncaster where he grew up with his mom, his four sisters and his step dad. He tells him how they all moved to London when Louis started Uni and Lottie, one of his sisters, got an opportunity to be the face of a make up brand. He leaves out the personal parts and tries to make it sound like he had a good time and only came here for the job opportunity. Zayn tells him why he became an English teacher, grew up in Bradford, and that he would have been a singer if he could, his sister would always tell him to shut up in the middle of the night, caught singing in front of his mirror. When Louis brings up his failed attempt to audition for X Factor, Zayn coughs on his sandwich with shocked eyes. Turns out he also wanted to audition the same year but convinced his mother to not force him out of bed that day. A silence fills the gap between them as they gasp, imagining an alternative universe where they could have met each other elsewhere.

   They are soon approached by the woman Louis met yesterday, Perrie, who seems to have forgotten their first awkward encounter, smiling big and waving at them from afar. Seeing that Zayn shyly smiles in return, Louis figures the two of them met and relaxes a bit, the last thing he wants is a clingy woman too happy for his own good. It’s not that he doesn’t want people to be happy, it’s just that he doesn’t understand why everyone gets to be so content when all he wants is to crawl under a rock and never get out. Before he can politely nod as a response, they are joined by the blond girl who takes a seat at their table. She turns out to be very kind and quite interesting to listen to.

 After the lunch break, Louis starts walking toward Dickens Hall for his next class. He knows he’s going to see him again and doesn’t understand why he has sudden chest pains. He takes his cup of tea in the lobby before sitting on his now designated bench and begins watching every student as they walk past him. He loses focus on a random spot in front of him when he hears the deep voice stroking his ears. He hadn’t even noticed someone sitting next to him.

 ‘Hello Mr Tomlinson’ Harry says gently as if to test his professor’s response regarding off class interaction.

 ‘Hello, um, Harry Styles is it ?’ Louis asks, pretending he hasn’t been repeating the name in his head for a day.

 ‘Yes. How’s your blazer doing?’ Harry says with a dopey smile and Louis can’t help fonding. He soon realizes he hasn’t answered when Harry raises a brow, still smiling and staring at Louis’ eyes.

 ‘Um, good, it’s doing good, thanks.’ He chuckles and stutters, barely able to come up with a proper response in presence of those mesmerizing green eyes. They stare at each other for a few seconds, smiling and giggling in memory of yesterday’s incident when they hear a loud laugh that breaks the silence that had settled between them.

 ‘Niall !’ Harry shouts and gets up after smiling politely to Louis to dismiss himself.

 When the class finally starts, Louis suprisingly manages to keep track of his thoughts and talks about the upcoming play and the grading policy. He describes how and when the rehearsals are going to take place and what kind of assignment he will give his students. For the first task, he chose to favor creativity and self expression by making them come up with a short play on the theme of ‘honesty’. This exercise is to make them understand how to portray sincerity through characters and a scenery, making the fiction more real and genuine.

 At the end of the class his eyes search the room for the beautiful curls but he is interrupted by a strong voice at the door.

 ‘Hello, Mr Tomlinson ?’ The man says, raising his eyebrows as if to ask if he can come in. Louis nods as a permission to enter the room and confirmation of his identity. ‘My name is Liam Payne, I am part of the University’s security corps, I handle the fires.’ He says pointing at his helmet and giving a bright smile.’I just wanted to inform you of a potential drill within the next four days to not panic but be sure to get the students out safely’. He continues and Louis keeps smiling politely.

 ‘Very well, thank you for the heads up.’ Louis says and goes back to seeking the boy who already left.

 When the afternoon break allows him to rest in the office, Zayn meets him with a smirk, seemingly excited about something.

 ‘Hey Louis, fancy a night out at the pub tonight ? A few staff members are going for a welcome toast or whatevs.’ He asks trying not to sound too interested.

 Louis hasn’t been going out for months and he figures socializing could be a good thing, especially to meet new people since he’s all by himself in this town. He could meet up with his childhood friend from Donny, Stan, or give a call to his family who stayed in London but he knows deep down he needs to change every aspect of his life, including people.

 ‘It could be nice. What time ?’ Louis finds himself anticipating the night to relax and hang out with his new friend.

 ‘It’s at eight !’ Zayn smiles, slightly sticking the tip of his tongue out and Louis makes a mental note to thank God for such a masterpiece in his prayers.

 *

 ‘Louis ! Come over here !’ A drunken voice yells on the other side of the pub.

 ‘Hi Zayn !’ Louis pretends he’s good at this but fails when his voice comes out as squeaky.

 ‘This is Liam, mate !’ He’s holding the firefighter Louis met earlier by his forearm, more to steady himself than introduce him.

 ‘We actually already met ! How’s it going Liam ?’ Louis jumps at this sudden comfort. This doesn’t feel awkward or uneasy, this is nice. It’s like he’s known them for years when they start chatting in the middle of the room, beers in hand and laughter filling the air. Louis can’t believe he’s actually having a good time. They talk about their job, their hometown and their interests and Zayn and Louis choke on their pint when Liam tells them he loves to sing as a hobby. They look at each other knowingly and wait for Liam’s story.

 ‘I actually auditioned for X Factor but it didn’t work out, to be fair, I was a bit too young that year,  wanted to go back four years ago but, nah, figured it would be a lost of time !’ He says and both Zayn and Louis gasp. This is the weirdest turn of events.

 They keep chatting and get amazed by how much they have in common when Louis hears a familiar deep voice and a loud laugh coming from the corner of the pub. That’s when he sees him. Harry is accompanied by Niall Horan, the loud irish student, and three girls grinding on them senseless and giggling, playing with their hair and violating their personal space. Louis doesn’t know why but an odd feeling is settling in his chest. One of the girls is stroking Harry’s shoulder as she whispers something in his ear that makes his smile fade and his eyes widen. At this moment, he doesn’t realize he’s staring with fury until Liam breaks his gaze by shaking his shoulder.

 ‘Hey, Louis, are you okay ?’ Liam asks, clearly worried.

‘Um, yes. I just have to go for a wee, be right back.’ Louis says, still looking at Harry, and almost jogs to the toilet. He washes his face and stares at his reflection, giving himself a pep talk to get it together and stop fantasizing over his clearly straight student. His thoughts are cut when the door opens with a loud slam. He’s face to face with Harry and one of the girls, guiding him eagerly towards an empty cabinet, panting and completely ignoring Louis’ presence. Harry doesn’t notice Louis until the latter clears his throat to inform them that someone is in there. Harry freezes and opens his mouth as if to say something but the girl quickly grabs him to drag the boy to the nearest cabinet.

 Louis can see the girl kneeling in front of Harry and he blushes before internally gasping and exiting the toilet. When he goes back to his new friends, he is still in shock and orders a strong cocktail to calm himself and forget what he just witnessed. The pleasant feeling he had at the beginning of the night has been replaced with the familiar black wave that’s crushing his head. He wants to go home and bury himself under the covers. He doesn’t know why though, and it’s killing him. All he knows is that he needs to get out of here. He doesn’t bother saying goodbye to everyone, he just waves Zayn and Liam goodbye before running to his car, throat tight. This can’t be happening, not here, not in front of a pub where half the University staff and a few students are. But he can’t help it. His chest tightens, he’s getting cold, he starts to shake and before he realizes, he’s crying uncontrollably, unable to stop himself. He stares at his hands he sees floating in the air and closes his eyes and takes deep breaths, trying to soothe the violent ache in his heart. He hadn’t had a panic attack in two months, since he moved to Holmes Chapel. This is the kind of things, the main thing actually, he wanted to get away from. Problem is, you can’t really get away from yourself.

 ‘Mr Tomlinson are you okay ?’ A voice that sounds like an echo says with a worried tone. ’Come on let me bring you to your car.’ The voice continues. Louis can’t make out which of the students it is until he sees a strong  arm holding his waist. He jumps at the touch and stumbles before falling on his feet. Harry pulls him by under his shoulders and guides him to his SUV but Louis knows he can’t drive in this condition.

 ‘Um, I can’t, um, drive, I think.’ Louis struggles to say and Harry doesn’t even seem panicked, he looks confident about what to do and walks them to his own car. It’s quite tricky to get into because of how low it is but Harry manages to get him in the passenger seat and lays him down enough that he can sleep but not so much that he chokes on his own breath. Louis tries to keep his eyes open but in vain.

 When he wakes up, his hand is held softly by a bigger one. A much bigger one. He keeps his eyes closed for a moment, enjoying the gentle touch when it hits him that it’s his student caressing his hand, which he slides in a quick move to place on his knees and opens his eyes, sighing at the sudden loss of comfort.

 ‘Mr Tomlinson ?’ Harry whispers and it sounds so deep and safe Louis wants the world to stop for a moment. ‘ Are you feeling better ?’ He asks, voice slow and careful.

 ‘Um, yes. I am so sorry I-‘

 ‘No. No need to apologize, it’s not your fault. Trust me, I know. Should I drive you to your house or do you want me to call Mr Malik maybe ?’ And all Louis registers is that Harry has observed him enough to know that Zayn is his friend and that he couldn’t control what happened, which doesn’t help forgetting the beautiful boy.

 ‘Maybe it’d be best if you brought me to my car, I feel better now. I can drive. But thank you Harry. ‘

 Harry walks him to his SUV and waits for him to sit and buckle up before leaning forward, forcing Louis to open his window and face those...grey eyes ? What the actual fuck. Harry must have noticed his confusion because he giggles, revealing his dimples and Louis sinks a bit more.

 ‘What ?’ Harry asks still giggling.

 ‘Um, no, nothing. Thank you again, see you in class on Thursday Harry.’ Louis smiles fondly and nods to thank the curly guy who’s staring straight at his eyes, smiling while biting his bottom lip.

 ‘Goodnight Mr Tomlinson. Please take care of yourself.’ Harry says the last words to himself but Louis is almost sure that’s what he heard and he blushes before driving out of the parking lot to his house.

 On his way home, he can’t stop thinking about what happened. He can’t stop reliving the gentle touch of Harry’s hand on his, the calming voice he had, how comfortable this all was. He can’t stop replaying the words that Harry said and wonders if he really meant them.

  _Please take care of yourself._

_Why would he say it like that ?_

 


	4. Louis Tomlinson

Harry has been working on his drama assignment for two weeks now. He’s enjoyed Mr Tomlinson’s classes more than he’s willing to admit. Since the awkward incident at the pub, which they never mentioned, he’s caught himself staring at his professor’s lips quite a lot. He can’t forget the look the older man had in his car when he rolled his window down. Harry had to bite his lip to not be tempted to lean further. It’s insane to think about his teacher like that but he can’t help it. There’s a strange bond between them and he doesn’t understand what it is but he knows he wants to be closer to him.

 He’s moved in with Niall by now so there’s a constant noisy background because of the telly always turned on on some sports channel or reality TV program. Harry doesn’t mind and even gets excited when it’s time to support the Packers but other than that, if you ask him how’s doing Belgium in soccer he will tell you how cute their shorts look and that’s about it. He’s never been the manliest of the men although he likes to think otherwise. He doesn't really care about gender norms in general. When he first moved in with Josh, he didn’t think about being free and partying, he was looking forward to being domestic. He knows how to cook a good marmite, how to tidy, do the laundry, which he did most of time for Josh, it makes him feel better for relaxing in his bed with a cup of tea watching boyband music videos or Goggle Box on Wednesdays. Or is it Thursdays ?

Anyway, Harry is not the usual bloke people tend to think he is. He is tall, handsome, could saw wood with his jawline and take three bottles in just one hand but he’d rather do some yoga or light a sented candle writing poetry than going to the pub and hook up with random people. Even though he makes it clear how different he is, sometimes people, especially girls, don’t really get that from him at first sight and always try to push him to make out with them without even trying to get to know him. He hates that. He hated being dragged in the toilet the other night by that girl he thinks her name was Paige, or was it Kendall ? He can’t quite remember. All he knows for sure is that he was too drunk to make a scene in front of his drama teacher who might think he’s a womanizer or lacks respect towards women for making them suck him off in a public toilet. He doesn’t know why he would care so much if his teacher thought less of him that way, but he can’t help it.

  It’s five in the afternoon by the time he finishes the first lines of the fourth act of his play so he figures he deserves a break. He’s been studying in the library on campus since it’s easier for him to go to his other classes in the evening. He’s walking toward Dumas Hall when he sees him on his right. He can see him chat with Mr Malik, the English teacher, and Miss Edwards from the main office. He catches him laugh out loud and it sends goosebumps through his skin. His laugh is so endearing a smile starts forming on Harry’s face. He doesn’t stop smiling when he meets those blue eyes he’s been thinking about. Mr Tomlinson nods as if to say hello and goes back to his conversation but he’s stopped giggling and seems uneasy now. When he walks towards Harry, the latter waves at him with excitement, forgetting he’s not supposed to act like he’s about to pet a new kitten.

 ‘Good evening Mr Tomlinson !’ Harry exclaims and lower his voice immediately.’I wanted to know something about the assignment, would it be okay to talk to you just a second ?’ Harry asks before he can stop himself. He wants to hear him speak. He wants to hear him laugh. He wants his professor to stay with him as long as time allows.

  ‘Harry I think you can call me Louis now.’ Louis says with a chuckle. ’Of course you can ask me anything’ he adds and leads Harry to a more silent corner in the Hall they just entered.

  I wanted to know how I can portay honesty through the whole work. I’m struggling to make sure everything seems genuine and not forced or not there to fill blanks. Doesn’t the mere will to make a character do or say something counts as truth ? I’m lost. ‘ Harry explains and he’s never spoken so fast in his entire life.

  ‘ Well, I know it’s a hard job. That’s why it’s interesting. You have to really focus on the idea you want to build. The whole theme of your work is honesty but you can choose a subtheme too. It can be through a family story, a fiction, a romance maybe. It’s easy to portray honesty with love in a relationship for example. Does that help ? ‘ Louis says and Harry’s not sure he’s listened but he heard the word love and he froze, realizing afterwards that his professor was still talking about the homework.

  ‘Um, Yes, I guess’ Harry says, smiling so big his jaw aches.

  ‘ Do you need anything else Harry ?’

  _Yes._

 ‘No. Thank you Mr Tom- Louis.’

 They stare at each other again without saying anything before Niall interrupts them clearing his throat. Harry coughs and breaks the staring contest and joins his friend to go to his next class. He turns around to look back at Louis who’s still fixing him. Harry lets a smirk express his thougths and can barely walk straight when the man returns it with a big smile, causing crinkles to form by his eyes that’s so beautiful Harry gasps.

‘ What’s up with you Harry ?’ Niall asks, skeptical after witnessing the exchange between his roommate and his drama teacher.

  ‘ Niall, I think I have a crush.’ Harry says, eyes wide open and jaw dropping at the realisation.

  ‘Who is it ? Please don’t tell me it-‘

  ‘Louis Tomlinson.’

  ‘Fuck.’

 *

  ‘Harry ! Harry !’

  ‘Shut up Niall I won’t come to the pub tonight I don’t feel like it.’

  ‘You have been avoiding parties and pubs the whole week, what’s wrong ?’ Niall insists ‘There’s nothing a few pints can’t heal mate !.’

 But Harry knows this feeling cannot be erased by alcohol or hanging out with his mates. He can’t stop thinking about Louis. He knows it will never happen but he just keep daydreaming, dedicating dozens of poems to him to keep the feeling alive wihtout having to actually face his crush. He used his inspiration to write his paper on honesty and feels like it may be one of his favorite work so far, not that he’s ever written a play before, but he’s written songs and poems. He’s listening to ‘Wouldn’t it Be Nice’ by the Beach Boys, totally not linking the lyrics to Louis. Absolutely not.

 He thinks about the way he walks, looking dangerous and proud even though he has the smile of a kitten when he talks to Harry. He thinks about his long hair styled in a feathery fringe sometimes, pulled back in a headband or a quiff other times. He thinks about how pasisonate he is about drama, how great of a teacher he is. He thinks about his lips. And then he slaps himself before he can imagine them somewhere he would regret. He has to do something about it. He thinks back about Louis’ lecture about honesty.

   _Honesty is about being true to your feelings and not denying your emotions towards yourself or someone else._

He had given this definition for general knowledge and it kept replaying in Harry’s head. He’s always wanted to be honest. The kind of man his mom would be proud of. He wanted to be respectful, polite, helpful, thankful, humble and honest. And he was. But he wants to get to know Louis better, maybe then being his student won’t be so much of an obstacle and they could be honest, together.

_What_

 He walks to his drama class with a racing heart, biting his bottom lip to contain himself. When he steps in the doorframe, Louis is by himself, grading some papers. Harry knocks on the door and waits for his attention.

  ‘Harry ! Come in. Do you need anything ?’

 ‘Hello, um, yes. I wanted to let you know something Mr Tom- Louis.’ Harry starts and he can’t handle the headache coming from his thoughts.

  ‘Sure, what is it ?’

  ‘I, um, I need tutoring I think.’

_What_

 ‘Oh, I don’t usually provide tutoring but if you feel like you need help we could meet after class if you’re available.’ Louis says and Harry can’t believe he agreed to this. What did he just get himself into.

  ‘It’d be great on Mondays and Thursdays, thank you Louis !’ Harry says with an overexcited voice and has to calm himself to not betray his intentions.

  ‘It’s fine with me. Would you like to start today ?’ Louis asks and it’s just then that Harry realizes it’s a Thursday. Great.

 ‘Um, yes, I guess, if you can ?’

  ‘As lame as it sounds, I don’t have any plans for tonight so we could meet in the study room in half an hour ?’

 ‘No problem. See you there then. Thanks again !’

  _What_.

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Can't stop looking in your eyes

Harry has been dreading this moment yet his heart is beating like it’s the most important hour of his life. Louis and him met in the study room half an hour ago and all they have been able to do so far is stare at each other mid sentence and forget about everything. Neither of them notice the silence that settles every now and then. It’s not awkward. Harry lets his eyes rank Louis from head to toe as he writes on the blackboard. He lets himself admire the curves of Louis in his usual black skinny jeans – although it looks more like jeggings with his bum – and tries to ignore the twitch in his pants. He refuses to lower what he feels towards Louis as mere lust. There’s something about him that makes him giggle for no reason and find himself smiling randomly just thinking about his eyelashes. He has no idea what they’re doing and prays for Louis to not notice as the slightly older man turns to him to catch his attention.

 ‘Harry ? Are you listening to me ?’ Louis asks, puzzled.

 ‘Um, yes, sorry.’

 ‘Do you want me to start ov- actually, come here.’ Louis gestures for Harry to stand up and join him in front of the blackboard. Harry obliges, not blinking once, not wanting to waste a second not admiring what Louis is like. ‘Let’s do an exercise. I’ll ask you questions and you’ll answer me, don’t overthink it.’

 ‘Okay.’

 ‘How old are you ?’

 ‘Twenty’

 ‘How many siblings do you have ?’

 ‘One’

 ‘Do you like my class ?’ Louis asks and Harry stands still. His mind stops working and he doesn’t reply as quickly as he did for the previous questions, mouth half open. ‘Be honest.’ Louis finally adds. Oh.

 ‘I do. Very much.’

 ‘See ? The time you took to answer the last one ? The doubt you had before speaking ? That’s the gap between honesty and pretending and that’s what is important to portray in a play. The point is not to tell the absolute truth but to make it sound like it is. I can’t believe you based on that’ Louis chuckles. ‘Thank you for trying though.’ He seems embarassed and utterly disappointed.

 ‘Oh no, I mean it ! I do ! you’re such a great teacher and your lectures are so inspiring and your eyes are-‘ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

‘Alright, alright I believe you Harry calm down ! ’ Louis gives life back to Harry when he laughs again with forming crinkles in his eyes. Harry thinks he’s saved, that Louis didn’t hear the last bit when Louis starts speaking again and Harry wants to hide under the table.

 ‘So about my eyes huh ?’ Louis jokes and Harry lets out a laugh that sounds like a loud cackle and quickly covers his mouth, blushing, surprised by the laugh Louis caused.

 ‘Um, yeah, um, I mean, um.’ Harry stutters and finally gives up. ‘They’re just so blue Louis how can I not look ?’ Harry is shocked by his honesty.

 ‘Oh. Well, thank you.’ Louis is blushing. His cheeks are so red Harry can notice the effect he has on his teacher. He’s staring fondly into his green eyes and Harry can feel how mutual it is. Maybe they should discuss it, but he doesn’t want to ruin anything. ‘We should probably get back to the task ? Or will you be too distracted by my  _blue eyes_.’ Louis mimics Harry and lets out a long laugh which offends the younger boy.

 Maybe it’s not mutual. Maybe Harry is just another funny student in Louis’ eyes. Maybe he’s been secretly hoping Louis was into him, not even considering he might not be into men in general. Harry feels his heart tighten and holds back his tears of anger towards himself for doing it again. That’s what always happen. He has a crush on a boy but forgets most people do care about the gender of their partner, and he’s left alone as a ‘nice lad’ every single time. He’d convinced himself that love can wait, that he would meet someone nice, someone who’s funny, someone who’s not a dickhead, and it will be beautiful and memerable. But he really thought Louis was special, even though he was his teacher. There’s just something about him he can’t let go.

 ‘Let’s go back to the pratice, yeah ?’ Louis insists.

 ‘Yeah, sure.’ Harry’s smile has faded and he does his best not to show that his heart is breaking.

 They’re now an hour into the lesson and Harry is still fustrated by Louis’ reaction.

 ‘No ! Jimmy protested.’ Louis suddenly exclaims.

 ‘What ?’

 ‘Oh. Sorry, it’s from the play, I thought you could understand the theme a bit more through the play.’

 ‘Actually, I think I got it. Thank you Mr Tomlinson. I have to go now.’ Harry snaps, he can’t take it anymore. He grabs his stuff before exiting the study room and rushing to the door when he feels a hand grasp him. Before he can respond, his lips are tangled with thin warm ones and his cheeks are cupped by tiny hands.

 ‘I can’t stop looking in your eyes either.’

 

 


	6. It's Mutual. They've Discussed It.

This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. It’s too good to be true and Louis is waiting for it to crumble and get smashed. But it doesn’t and Harry doesn’t pull away.

 ‘Wow.’ Harry sighs in Louis’ mouth when they both part to breathe, careful not to get a gap between their faces. ‘I…Um…Wow.’ Harry struggles to breathe the words.

 

 A whispered ‘ _yeah_ ’ is the only thing Louis manages to get out. The boy he’s been thinking about for days kissed him back and he wants to smile so big it aches. He knew he took a huge risk trusting himself , believing Harry couldn’t stop looking in his eyes for another reason than its color. It had to be mutual. It had to. He tried joking to test Harry’s reaction but the fading smile said it all and Louis had to do something to keep him from going away.

 

 They stay like that for a moment. Face to face, lips soflty brushing, not a single word. Louis’ hand are still cupping Harry’s cheeks and the boy is holding Louis’ waist like he’s never going to let go of him. They take in how enjoyable and delightful this is. This feels comfortable. This feels safe and so peaceful neither of them break the embrace, until they hear a loud slam of the door next to them. They had almost forgotten where they were. They jump at the noise and step away from each other.

 

 ‘We should probably go.’ Louis says, still panting.

 

 'Yes. We should.’ Harry says with a dopey smile.

 

 They head to the parking lot when Louis has grabbed his folders and duffle bag and reach Harry’s car first. Louis remembers the classic Mercedes he’d been resting in the night he had his first panick attack in months. But that’s not what he remembers it for. He remembers the hand caressing his gently to calm him down and the soothing voice whispering in his ears, making him feel safe.

 

 ‘Should we talk about it ?’ Harry asks and Louis freezes. He loved what happened. He hates risking ruining everything that hasn’t happened yet. But that’s what he always does. He knows deep down that everything good he ever has goes to waste when he screws up. He knows it. That’s why he never lets anything good happen for too long, because the longer it lasts, the harder it breaks and he always finds himself on the verge of giving up on life and hating himself with all he’s got. He thought coming in a village – turns out people call it a village and not a town – would prevent this kind of event to happen and crush him. This is proof that he was wrong and he can’t bear the very thought of losing something again. Or someone. He slaps himself in his head, a reminder that nothing happened yet, that maybe Harry is not something good, maybe there’s still a chance to ruin it now to not get hurt later on. But he doesn’t want to. There’s just something about the guy. Something reassuring and something else even though he’s only met him a few weeks ago. His thoughts are cut short when his student strokes his cheek as if to check if everything’s alright. He looks like a worried puppy and Louis can’t stop fonding.

 

 ‘What is there to talk about ?’ Louis says with a smirk, pushing Harry to tell him what it means to him first.

 

 ‘The fact that I liked kissing you ?’

 

  _Oh._

 *

 

 ‘Hey Louis !’ Zayn shouts in a corner of the staff cafeteria. He’s standing next to Perrie and Liam, cup of coffee in their hands.

 

 ‘Hello ! What's up ?’

 

 ‘Nothing much, we were talking about going out tonight if you’re in. To a club maybe ?’

 

 ‘I’d love to join you guys. Should we meet before at the pub ?’

 

 ‘Yeah. Let’s say we meet at ten then.’ Zayn agrees and Perrie keeps smiling and nodding to everything. 

 

 Louis needs the night out. He needs to forget about Harry. He’s his student for god’s sake.

 

 Since the kiss they shared last week, they haven’t been able to talk much, always staring at each other in awe and forgetting what they’re saying, too eager to touch each other’s lips just one more time before the class starts and after it ends. They should talk about it. They  _should_  discuss it. But they’re like twelve-year-olds flirting when they look at each other. The classes are harder whith the green eyes staring at him with a grin, biting his finger while smiling when Louis makes a joke as if to contain himself to not let out a loud cackle, giggling in his finger instead. They’ve been glancing at each other discretly – or so they thought – and giggling whenever one of them tries to make the other one laugh, even when it’s not necessary. Because that’s what it is. It’s the comfortable atmosphere that makes you want to be yourself, it’s the relaxing feeling of safety and trust. Louis has known the guy for less than a month and he can’t spend a second not thinking about stroking his hair, pinching his cheeks, biting his neck.

 

 Yesterday, he didn’t even try to stop himself from leaving a lovebite. Louis was supposed to help Harry with the next assignment in the study room when the younger boy decided otherwise. He leaned forward, surprising Louis who was sitting on the table. He stuffed his teacher’s face with his curls to get his attention and started giggling when Louis made an annoyed face. They’re already so comfortable in each other’s presence it’s scary. As a revenge, Louis jokingly bit Harry’s cheek but it soon became a kiss, then another kiss, then another kiss down his jawline, then another kiss behind his earlob, then another kiss on his neck which turned into another bite and pretty soon Harry was groaning at the touch of Louis’ tongue, sucking and licking the spot into a light red bruise, careful not to make it purple and too obvious. It feels good. Too good. It has to be dangerous and fragile.

 

 After a quick nap, Louis rushes to his bathroom to get ready for the pub. He needs this – that’s what he’s convinced himself of anyway. He needs to meet new people, non-student people to get less attached to the curly haired boy. Maybe if he hooks up with a stranger tonight he’d be able to get him out of his mind and stay out of trouble.

 

 He opts for his usual black skinnies with a navy blue button up and his favorite Vans. He styles his hear in a feathery quiff and shaves. He had to rub the steam off his mirror to be sure it’s him looking back. He looks eighteen. He grabs his denim jacket and heads to the pub fifteen minutes late, needless to say he was distracted in the shower after his nap.

 

 When he enters the bar, Zayn, Liam, Perrie and a woman he hasn’t seen before are gathered in a both in the back. He walks toward them and greets everyone, including ‘Sophia’, Perrie’s friend she wanted to introduce to Liam, thinking they might get along. Louis finds himself third wheeling with Liam and Sophia aggressively flirting on his right and Zayn and Perrie whispering in each other’s ears on his left.

 

 ‘Should we go to the club now or do you guys have to make out in the booth first ?’ Louis snaps with a sassy look and seems proud when they all chuckle, uncomfortable, and slide off their seat to reach the exit.

 

 When they park in front of the club, Louis begins to question his life choices. He wants to go back home and feel bad for himself thinking about Harry, watching some X Factor. He doesn’t want to meet someone, he would need to talk and make the effort to seem at least mildly pissed and done with the night for anything to happen. When he sees his friends take forever to get out of their car, he decides to go for more mistakes for the night and grabs his phone to text the one he’s been obsessed with.

 

 * _**Louis Tomlinson –** Hey curly _*

 He doesn’t have to wait long before a buzz in his hand spreads goosebumps in his whole body.

 

  ** _* Harry Styles_** _– Hey Lou ! How are you ?_  *

 

  _Lou._

  ** _* Louis Tomlinson_** _– I’m in front of ‘The 21’. Fancy a drink ?_  *

*  ** _Harry Styles_** _– I’m actually stuck at home with the assignment my sexy teacher gave yesterday._ *

  ** _* Louis tomlinson_** _– Is that so ? I guess we could find an arrangement then…_   *

  *  ** _Harry Styles_** _– Or you could come help me get it done quicker ;)_  *

 

 Louis fantasizes about what could happen if he ditched his friends and showed up at Harry’s appartment tonight before remembering the roommate situation. His phone buzzes seconds after as if to answer his mind.

 

  ** _* Harry Styles_** _– Niall’s out._  *

 

 Louis stares at his phone, biting his bottom lip as if he’s about to make the most important choice of his life, when he hears a knock on his window and jumps at the sight of Liam.

 

 ‘ Planning to dance in your car man ?’ Liam jokes and Louis notices that everyone’s already in, waiting for him.

 

 ‘I actually don’t feel really in the mood right now. I thought I could but, you know…’ Louis says trying to appeal to Liam’s sensitivity.

 

 He and Louis have talked about Louis’ tendency to panick in public on a drunken night a few days ago. He told him how overwhelming and helpless it was, especially when it sometimes led to psychosis episodes where he just stopped being himself and couldn’t control his reaction or words, leaving the scarier parts off the picture of course. Liam shared his fear of spoons and his weirdly missing kidney that had returned after all and Louis thought it was nice of him to try to make him laugh, ignoring how truly serious he was. That’s why Liam doesn’t insist and checks if Louis will be safe enough to drive. The other lad nods and reaches out for the adress Harry texted him a few seconds ago.

 

 On his way to his student’s appartment, a thousand thoughts are rushing through his mind.

 

  _This is wrong Louis. You’re going to mess it up. You don’t deserve this. He’s gonna find out about you. This is a lost cause. Give up. Go home._

 He tries to fight them and almost contemplates giving up when he arrives at the destination, parking behind the familiar Mercedes in the building’s parking lot. He takes the elevator to the third floor, giving enough time to his heart to explode with anxiety. Is this wrong ? Or is it because of how right it feels ?

 

 ‘Hiiii.’ Harry greets Louis with a smile that resembles a frog or something of that nature but cuter.

 

 ‘Hey.’ Louis whispers, staring at the boy’s eyes. He knows Harry is technically an adult but he can’t see him as something other than an innocent curly ball of sunshine. He pulls him into a gentle kiss and quickly steps back when the boy doesn't move.

'Is something wrong ?' Oh God no. It's happening already.

'No but..Lou...You look so much younger ! Not that you looked old with the beard but, I mean, um-'

'Shush young boy. I know I'm cute now kiss me.'

 

 They spend the next hours in the living room, feet tangled under the table and giggles flowing in the air. They’d like to think they’re being productive but all they’ve managed to work on his the synchronization of their tongues. 

 

 Harry’s been staring fondly at the older man – from only three years but still – and Louis realizes he's been admiring him the same way. Time has stopped. There’s no outside. There’s no teacher/student issue. There’s no anxiety. It’s just Harry and Louis and it’s perfect.

 

 Soon enough, they find themselves making out on the sofa. It’s now two in the morning and they can’t convince themselves to pull apart. They want to stay together for as long as the night allows.

 

 ‘Need.To.Breathe.’ Louis pants and Harry pulls away. He then feels a twitch in his pants when he hears a deep whisper in his ear, tongue brushing his earlob.

 

 ‘Lou, can I give you a blowjob ?’ Harry breathes and Louis finds himself moaning under the boy’s touch.

 

 Before Louis can answer, the doorknock twists violently and they pull apart further. People really need to stop interrupting them.

 

 Louis runs to Harry’s room before Niall catches him, flustered and still out of breath, waiting for Harry to distract his roommate. When he joins him in his room, his smile has disappeared and Louis wants to go back.

 

 ‘He chose tonight to be sober enough to drive apparently. I’m sorry I really thought we’d be alone and-‘

 

 ‘It’s okay Harry. I should probably go home anyway, I have an early class tomorrow morning. But I’ll see you for tutoring right ?’ Louis smiles, half expecting a goodnight kiss.

 

 Harry slowly takes a few steps forward toward his professor and walks his hand down his back to settle on his hips. He then buries his curls in his neck, leaving kisses from his neck to his mouth until he opens it slightly to taste Louis’ tongue one last time before calling it a night. Louis can feel his heart racing. He doesn’t want him to stop. He doesn’t want the night to end. He doesn’t want to leave his boy. So he doesn't.

'Harry, we definitely have to discuss this.'

'Okay. I like this. I like you. I don't care that you're my teacher. that's all I have to say. You ?'

'I like this too. I like you too and I don't care that you're my student.'

'Fine.'

'Fine.'

Harry and Louis smile at the thought.

_It's mutual._

 

 

 


	7. It just kind of happened

‘Fine.’

 

‘Fine.’

 

‘Now can I give you that blowjob I was talking about ?’ Harry pouts.

 

‘Harreh, your roommate’s here and one of my students for crying out loud !’ Louis states as Harry attacks him with kisses on his face and his neck, hands grabing his bum playfully, giggling in his ears with his curls brushing Louis’ face.

 

‘He’s not gonna hear anything I promise. Please don’t go just yet.’ Harry doesn’t want him to go. He doesn’t want the night to end. He doesn’t want it to stop.

 

‘I’d love to if you just wait.’ Louis finally agrees, quickly half opening the door to check if Niall’s around.

 

When he closes the door, he walks carefully towards Harry who’s sitting on the bed. He puts one knee on Harry’s side and the boy feels a sudden heat through his body. The older man then leans forward, forcing Harry to lay down and bring Louis with him. The latter brings the other knee on the other side of his student and starts straddling his lap while kissing him shyly first and then biting his bottom lip, catching it between his teeth gently and releasing only to brush his tongue between Harry’s lips to open them and deepen the kiss. Harry can feel his heart racing for some reason. He wants this. He wants Louis. He grabs his bum, slowly squeezing and runs his hands up his back to finally settle back on the hips he likes so much. Louis is sucking the skin of his neck like his life depends on it, licking, kissing, making sure he leaves a mark. Harry finds himself moaning more than expected and buries his hand in Louis’ hair, holding one hip with the other.

 

The both of them are making choked noises, a mixture between groans and moans that need to stay low to not wake Niall sleeping in the other room. When Harry slides one hand at the hem of Louis’ shirt, trying to undo the buttons and stroke Louis’ belly, the man sits up and breaks their sloppy kiss.

 

‘Is something wrong ? Am I going too far ?’ Harry asks worried.

 

‘No, you’re good. It’s just…’

 

‘What’

 

‘I have to go.’ Louis says in a cold and threatening tone and hops off the bed to grab his stuff and rushes to the door before slaming it, not letting Harry stop him.

 

_What the fuck._

 

Harry is still breathless, laying on his bed, jeans tight and shirt half rolled up. He has no idea what just happened. Did he do something wrong ? Did Louis realize he doesn’t want this after all ? Is it too risky for his job ? So many questions go through Harry’s mind, left hanging with no explanation. He can’t go to sleep not knowing what he did wrong. He grabs his phone in his back pocket and dials Louis’ number. When he doesn’t answer the second time, the boy figures he would just text him. He can’t go to sleep not knowing.

 

* **_Harry Styles_** _– Lou, what happened ? Did I do something wrong ?_ *

 

Louis doesn’t answer within half an hour. When Harry’s phone vibrates in his hand, he’s still awake, desperatly waiting for an answer.

 

* **_Louis Tomlinson_** _– You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me. We need to stop this._ *

 

* **_Harry Styles_** _– Why ?_ *

 

* **_Louis Tomlinson_** _– I thought I wanted this but I don’t. I’m sorry Harry._ *

 

Harry feels his throat tighten and his eyes water. He can’t believe what he’s reading and doesn’t find the strength to text back.

 

_What happened ?_

 

*

 

It’s been three weeks. Harry still doesn’t know why but he can’t eat, he can’t sleep, he doesn’t enjoy the things he used to, he doesn’t hang out with his friends anymore, it’s as if life has been sucked out of him.

 

‘Mate, you need to get out and eat something, you haven’t been yourself for weeks please talk to me !’ Niall shouts on the other side of the locked door. Harry doesn’t answer. He can’t find the strength to do so.

 

It’s been three weeks. Three weeks without a text, without a call, without so much as a glance, without tutoring…without Louis. He doesn’t enjoy attending his drama class anymore. Louis doesn’t look at him, he doesn’t speak to him gently as he used to, he doesn’t jog to the front row to stroke his curls when Harry is the last one to leave the room. He’s not Louis anymore and the boy doesn’t understand.

 

_What the fuck happened ?_

 

It’s been three weeks and Harry feels like a part of him has left when Louis slammed his door that night.

 

He’s brought back to the present when Niall knocks several times on his door.

 

‘I’m not hungry, go away.’ Harry says in a monotone voice.

 

‘Please talk to me Haz ! I’m getting worried !’

 

Maybe he should. Maybe he needs to talk with someone about it. Maybe an outsider could help him figure out what he did wrong. Even though he’s scared to reveal his ambiguous relationship with his professor, he knows he can trust Niall. They’ve been getting along so well and sharing so much he’s become a brother and Harry figures he could use a good listener. He gets up to unlock the door before going right back to lay on his stomach, face in the pillow.

 

‘Come in !’ His choked voice echoes in the pillow.

 

‘Harry ! Finally ! Please tell me what’s up I’m getting so worried and you don’t talk anymore and you don’t go out for pints anymore and you don’t get out of your room when I shout ‘Packers’ and you don’t cook and-‘ Niall is rambling so fast Harry’s head is spinning.

 

‘I kissed Mr Tomlinson Niall. More than once. More than kissed him for that matter.’ Harry vomits the words like it’s the hardest confession he’s ever had to make.

 

‘What ?!’

 

‘I know, but it was incredible and he liked it too and everything was going great but-‘

 

‘What happened ?’

 

‘I don’t know ! This one night, about three weeks ago, he came over and we made out on the couch and things started going further when he just snapped and rushed out of the appartment and said he wanted to end things. But nothing had even really started yet. I’m so confused and I feel like a part of me left with him Niall.’ By the time Harry finishes the last words, he’s tearing up a bit. Trying to hold it together and pretend he’s fine in front of Niall is impossible.

 

‘Oh Harry, what changed ?’ Niall asks, comprehensive and not at all judging his roommate, which Harry is very thankful for.

 

‘I don’t know. Hold me Niall.’ And he does. Harry is soaking his friend’s shoulder with his tears and holding him tight. He gives the best hugs and he’s glad he found such an amazing guy to live with.

 

‘I think it’s time for pints.’

 

*

It’s been four weeks. It’s been four weeks and Harry is still trying to get back to his normal self. He’s agreed to go out with Niall to get his mind off of Him. It doesn’t help having to see his crush three times a week in drama class for an hour. He doesn’t sit in the front anymore. He doesn’t even attend all of the lectures now. He knows he needs to move on, maybe Louis didn’t like him after all and he needs to accept that.

 

‘Hey Harry !’ A hand grabs Harry’s forearm, voice covered by the loud music in the club.

 

‘Hey..Um…’

 

‘Taylor ! From Constitutional Law ?’ She smiles and Harry sort of thinks she looks cute with her red lipstick. He remembers her when the light hits her face. They were put together this morning in a pair to do a presentation on parliamentary regimes and he thought she was nice even though she seemed a bit uptight and too delicate.

 

‘Yeah I remember ! I’m just a bit too drunk right now to talk properly sorry.’ Harry chuckles and she smiles back. She actually looks really cute.

 

Maybe he could use the distraction. Maybe Taylor could help him forget Louis. Maybe he could move on.

 

‘Can I offer you a drink ?’ He asks the blond girl.

 

‘Yeah, sure !’

 

Maybe it’ll be easier than he thought. They’re dancing in a corner after a while, she’s awkwardly grinding on Harry, or maybe he’s too drunk to see anything. They moved a couch in their way to make more room, not really caring about the club’s policy. And it’s not that bad. He finds hismelf laughing and almost having a good time when Niall joins them with a girl he met named Barbara and two of his friends, Ashton and Michael. He’s having fun. Maybe this will be easier than he thought and he could forget it alll and pretend nothing ever happened.

 

The morning after the club is painful. The hangover is worst than usual. His head is heavy, he’s nauseous and last night’s events are nothing more than a blur. He opens his eyes as soon as he remembers Taylor. They made out in his car on the parking lot and he can still taste her lipstick. It wasn’t even near as great as Louis but he has to forget about him. He asked her on a date in the park and she agreed to meet him today after class. Maybe this will work out. Maybe he can move on.

 

He gets up at nine just in time to catch his drama class he’s still dreading. He runs to the shower and gets ready, tucking his hair in a messy bun and slipping into his blue skinny jeans and his loose white t shirt with a red plaid. He grabs his boots and his bag before reluctantly leaving his appartment to attend the class.

 

On his way to Dickens Hall he runs into Taylor and he already regrets last night and his effort to move on. He’d rather spend the day thinking about Louis than having to hear one more time how cute dozens of cats hugging a tree are. He is a cat lover but let’s be real there’s only so much you can find cute. But he wants this. He wants the distraction, he wants to try.

 

‘Hey Haz !’

 

‘Hi Taylor, how are you ?’

 

‘I’m good ! Better than you apparently.’ First of all, _how dare she ?_ Harry thinks and then become suddenly very aware of the bags under his eyes and his messy just-woke-up-didn’t-have-time-to-get-ready bun. Her tone is playful but he still makes an annoyed face that makes her apologize immediatly.

 

‘What class do you have now ?’ She asks. Too perky. She’s too perky.

 

‘Drama.’

 

‘Oh, really , I didn’t know you took drama.’

 

‘Well, you learn something everyday I guess .’ Harry tries not to sound too rude with a smile and does his best to enjoy the exchange but fails. He’s caught off guard when she pulls him into a kiss, holidng his hand.

 

‘See you for the park then.’ She smirks and walks away.

 

_No. This doesn’t feel right. This is not right._

 

By the time Harry has gathered his senses, he’s running late and has to jog to make it. Mr Tomlinson gives him a cold and serious look and gestures for him to go take a seat in the back, the only available. The tension between them is so palpable a few students gaze at each other as if to ask what happened between the two, Louis being normally very kind ato his students.

 

‘Mr Styles, I need to talk to you.’ Louis annouces at the end of the class, head down, facing his papers.

 

When the whole class has left, Harry approaches his professor behind his desk.

 

‘You’re failing Harry.’

 

‘I know. I haven’t been able to focus lately but I’ll make it up.’ Harry says in the most morbid tone he could use.

 

‘I can give you extra work but at this point you need to do very well on the midterm. You know the expectations of the University and the requirements for your grade school in California, you can’t fail this one Harry.’ Louis says and all Harry could here was his name in Louis’ mouth. When the boy doesn’t react Louis continues. ‘You’ll need to start the tutoring again, I’m sorry.’

 

‘I understand.’ Harry doesn’t want to spend time with him as it might ruin the progress he’s made moving on, but he needs the help and wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to be with him.

 

‘We will meet today afternoon after your last class.’

 

‘Um, I can’t today, I have plans.’

 

‘Well, you need the tutoring Harry, is it something important ?’ Louis asks and for some reason Harry can’t help feeling guilty. However, maybe this could be the opportunity to show Louis that he’s moved on.

 

‘I have a date with…my girlfriend.’ He nearly chokes on the word. She’s not really his girlfriend yet, just a friend he kissed but he needs to make a point.

 

‘Your girlfriend ? Well, um-‘ Louis stutters, clearly uncomfortable at the idea.

 

‘It’s okay I’ll cancel. I need the extra credits.’ Harry agrees and could swear a grin has formed on Louis’ face.

 

Taylor understands why Harry had to cancel and pecks his lips in front of the study room before leaving him and his drama teacher alone.

 

‘So, how long have you been together ?’ Louis asks and Harry can hear the annoyance in his voice.

 

‘I don’t think we should talk about my personal life Mr Tomlinson.’ Harry says, tense and straight forward.

 

‘Come on Harry, I don’t want things to be like this between us.’

 

_What the hell._

 

‘You’re the one who left me hanging and texted me to end things that had never even started Louis. I still don’t know what happened !’ Harry finally yells. Thank God no one can hear them.

 

‘I’m so sorry, but you’re better off without me Harry, trust me.’

 

‘Don’t you think it’s for me to decide that ?! I liked you Louis, a lot actually, I had never felt something like that so fast. Not knowing what I did wrong is killing me Louis. Please, you need to at least tell me what I did to you !’

 

‘You didn’t do anything wrong Harry, you have nothing to blame yourself for, it’s me. There’s something you don’t know about me that I’d rather you don’t.’

 

‘What is it Louis ? I can handle it. Please, just tell me.’ When Louis looks down close to tears, the images of the night when he helped him at the pub flash in his mind.

‘Is it because you were having a panic attack ?’ When the man doesn’t answer Harry steps forward to cup Louis’ cheeks, forcing him to look up. His face is a mess. His eyes are swollen and red, his lips are shaking and the look in his eyes could make Harry cry himself. He quickly pull him in a hug and Louis lets out his tears and hold on tight to Harry’s back.

 

‘I’m so sorry.’ Louis cries.

 

‘Never apologize for something you can’t control Lou.’

 

‘I didn’t want to leave but it started feeling so good and-‘

 

‘And you were scared it was too good ?’

 

‘Yeah. I know it doesn’t make any sense but it happens when I either feel too stressed or too happy. And you made me feel happy Harry.’ Louis’ confession puts both a smile and a frown on Harry’s face. He knows why Louis did what he did now and he doesn’t blame him. He’s witnessed panic attacks before and he knows how uncontrollable it gets and how most people don’t want to expose themselves. But he makes him happy. _He makes Louis happy._

Before Louis can stop him, Harry brings their lips together in a soft pull, holding his neck in one hand and his cheek in the other. Louis lets him and the boy can feel his warm cheeks covered in tears. He’s missed them. He’s missed him.

 

Louis hugs him one more time and Harry can hear him whisper a gentle ‘thank you’ before kissing him again, this time deeper. Harry feels Louis’ fingers play with his curls coming out of his bun when Harry’s hands go down his spine to settle on his lower back and it feels like home again. Harry brings them to the desk by a few steps and Louis sits on it when his thighs bump into it. Harry parts Louis’ thighs with his knee to slide between them, placing his hands there, caressing Louis up and down his thighs. His teacher moans in his mouth, not breaking the kiss that’s just got sloppier.

 

‘I had missed this. I had missed you Lou.’ Harry breathes and he can feel himself alive again when Louis smiles enough to form the crinkles Harry’s grown to love so much. He’d missed those deep blue eyes, those long eyelashes, this voice, this laugh, this smile, this. All of this. All of him.

 

‘I missed you too.’

 

And that’s when Harry realizes.

 

He just kind of happen to be falling in love with his teacher.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. You Make Me Strong

‘Stop ! Stop ! You’re gonna leave a mark!’ Harry giggles.

 

‘Well, I hope so.’ Louis says with his sassy look causing the younger boy to grab his bum to lift him off of him to stop attacking his neck already bruising.

 

‘But she’s gonna see it !’

 

‘I know. I want her to know you belong to someone else.’

 

This tutoring session should have been called the making out session because neither Harry nor Louis are ready to focus on something other than each other. They’ve been inseparable since the day Louis opened up to his student. He told him he accepted him no matter what and was willing to risk it if it meant spending more time kissing him and Louis couldn’t really object to that, especially not with Harry’s hand down his back.

 

Although everything’s been going well between them, Harry hasn’t been able to push Taylor away. He can’t really explain that he’s ditching her after one night to continue an affair with his drama teacher. He can’t do that. She could tell everything to the dean and Louis would get fired. The policy is strict concerning relationships between staff members and students. Strictly forbidden.

 

Louis hates not having Harry only for himself but the illusion of having a girlfriend keeps people away from suspecting anything going on between the two, which helps them a lot because they suck at staying away from each other and not staring in awe when one of them is speaking, or walking, or breathing.

 

 It’s been a week and everything’s been perfect, minus Louis’ jealousy towards Taylor, something Harry seems to find quite attractive. He always make sure to leave a lovebite on Harry to mark his territory in case Taylor wants to go that way.

 

She hasn’t noticed anything though, completely oblivious. She seems to be head over heels for Harry which makes the boy feel even worse. They’re supposed to hang out on a boat today and Louis really doesn’t like the idea of them spending the whole day together. She turned out to be rather boring and not as funny as Louis, far from that. Louis makes Harry laugh, cackle to be exact. He makes him forget about time and everything else. He can be himself around him, never holding back and Louis is the only one who laughs at Harry’s lame knock knock jokes. He loves the intimacy they’ve developed over the past few days, the things they’ve been sharing, the stories about their childhood, their family, their interests, their dreams. They even found out they had attended the same gig a few years ago. They get along so well it seems unreal.

 

‘What time do you have to meet with her again ?’ Louis asks, running his hands under Harry’s shirt and stopping on his chest to play with his nipple, ready to pinch it if the answer doesn’t suit him.

 

‘In an hour or so.’ Louis pinches him before he can even finish the last word and Harry jumps on the table where he’s sitting.

 

‘Oh really ? Well I guess I’d better let you go see your girlfriend.’ Louis pouts, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes altogether.

 

‘Stop it Louuu !’ Harry begs and puts an arm around Louis’ waist to make him come closer to his chest, giving him puppy eyes he knows are impossible to resist . ‘Now kiss me you fool.’ And Louis jumps on his boy who’s giggling so hard it sounds like someone’s tickling him to death.

 

*

 

* **_Louis Tomlinson_** _– How’s it going ? Are you guys kissing right now ?_ *

* **_Harry Styles_** _– Louuuu ! Please don’t. We’re about to get on the boat now but I really don’t want to...I miss you already_ *

* **_Louis Tomlinson_** _– Come join me then. I’m at the hotel I booked for the seminar. You could sneak in…there’s a hot tub…*_

* **_Harry Styles_** _– Don’t do that. Are you alone ?_ *

* **_Louis Tomlinson_** _– I’m with four other guys in my room... For fuck’s sake Harry of course I’m alone !*_

_* **Harry Styles** – I’ll see what I can do…text me the address. *_

_* **Louis Tomlinson** – See you in a bit love.*_

‘Don’t you think ?’ Harry hears Taylor ask and realizes he hasn’t been listening to her at all.

 

‘Sorry, what ?’

 

‘I said that the sunset looks beautiful don’t you think ? Or were you too busy staring at me ?’ She says grinning. Harry had been staring at a random spot daydreaming, not noticing it was Taylor he was looking at. _Oh_.

 

‘Um, yeah.’ Harry says wihtout thinking and Taylor just smiles fondly back at him. _Oh_. ‘I need to use the loo, I’ll be back.’ He adds, fleeing toward the end of the boat, that hasn’t left yet. He leaves Taylor sitting in the front – or whatever it’s called that holds the couchy bench. He stays for way too long in there, weighing the pros and cons of leaving his supposed girlfriend on the boat and going to see Louis. He misses him. He would do anything to spend just one minute with him. He feels bad but he knows it would be worse leading her on when all he’s thinking about is making out with his teacher. Without considering anything else, he runs off the boat on the deck to reach the parking lot. He doesn’t look back when he hears the crew shout something, probably announcing the departure.

 

 ** _* Harry Styles_** _\- I’m on my way._ *

 

Louis can’t hold his smile. He is leaving her for him. He chose him over her.

 

After less than an hour, Louis finally hears someone knock on his door. He rushes to it, stopping to get a glimpse in the peephole. Harry is standing in the hallway. He’s wearing blue jeans, a short sleeved shirt with purple and dark pink flowers on it, buttoned only halfway, letting his pecs out. He knocks one more time, getting anxious that maybe he’s got the room number wrong. Before the boy walks away, Louis opens the door with an amused expression on his face, proud he’s made his boy wait for him.

 

‘Hiiii.’

 

‘Hello.’

 

They stare at each other for so long Louis has to break the silence in order to make the most of the day, even though just looking at his student is his favorite thing in the world.

 

‘Got you something.’ He says, covering his face with a DVD.

 

‘Love Actually ? Oh Lou !’

 

‘I thought we could watch it together ?’

 

‘I’d love to.’

 

Harry had told him it was his favorite movie. So when Louis saw it on the counter in a gas station, he couldn’t resist taking it, remembering that time Harry couldn’t stop talking about it. He figured someone’s favortie movie says a lot about that person.

 

And that’s how they spend the afternoon, cuddling on the suite’s couch, watching Harry’s favorite movie, giggling in each other’s ears when one of them brush their hair on the other’s face, making it impossible to fully focus on the movie. They don’t even notice when it ends. Twenty minutes ago ? Maybe more ? Not a clue.

Harry has his left arm wrapped around Louis’ shoulders. He likes to hold him tight, being bigger than him even though he’s younger. His right hand his running up and down Louis’ thigh, making him jerk away at the sudden touch but calming down when Harry pats his shoulder to reassure him. Louis has been doing so well. He’s been accepting this, this good feeling, the growing happiness in his heart. Harry knows how hard it is for him to let go and enjoy the moment without worrying about what might happen if he gets too stimulated, but Louis is trying, so hard, and the boy can tell.

 

‘Is it okay if I do this ?’ Harry gently whispers in Louis’ ear as he strokes the older man’s crotch.

 

‘Yeah.’ Louis slightly moans.

 

‘Please tell me if you don’t feel safe at any point, okay ?’

 

‘Okay.’

 

Louis loves how kind and thoughtful Harry is. He knows Louis is struggling with something he can’t control and he respects that, he understands. He loves how he always ask if Louis feels safe. He loves how the boy holds his hand when he can feel Louis absent, bringing him back to reality.

 

Harry his now palming Louis, taking in the sweet sound Louis is making in his ear. He starts undoing his professor’s belt, slowly, then keeps going until he unzips his jeans and slips in hands in his pants. He walks his hand in a soft move, careful not to do too much. He can feel how hard Louis is and it’s driving him crazy. He wants him. He wants to taste him. He wants to feel him. All of him. Somehow. He gets off the couch and starts kneeling in front of Louis, not stopping his gaze in the blue eyes. Louis is now panting, watching Harry’s every move. Harry frees Louis’ cock and takes it in his hand. He begins to rub gently, sliding his hand up and down so slow it’s painful. When he can no longer take how mesmerizing Louis' moaning is, throwing his head back on the couch, Harry leans in to take him in his mouth, hand covered with pre come. Louis screams at the sight. Harry is still looking at him,through his eyes straight to his soul. His lips are so pink and swollen it looks magnificent and Louis tugs at the boy’s curls, taking in the scene in front of him.

 

‘Fuck. You’re so beautiful babe’ Louis breathes and Harry is losing himself as he sucks him off, drooling and groaning with pleasure, making his hand meet his mouth at a steady pace. When he goes faster, Louis closes his eyes, already feeling the growing shivers through his body, his legs giving in, starting to tug harder at the curls. He tries to control himself not to thrust in Harry’s mouth, fearing a gag reflex and to basically ruin the boy’s throat.

 

‘Harreh I’m gonna-‘

 

‘Go ahead.’

 

‘But-‘

 

‘Come on Lou, I want to taste you. Let it go.’ And that’s all it takes. Louis fills Harry’s mouth, down his throat, leaving the boy like a mess. He hadn’t even noticed the boy palming himself until he groans and lets out a heavy sigh before mouthing ‘ _Fuck_ ’.

 

When Harry gets back on his feet, Louis can see the mess he’s caused in the boy’s pants. Without saying anything, he cleans himself with the napkins on the coffee table, puts his pants back on and runs to his bag to get out some sweatpants and hand it to Harry who’s cleaning his face and licking his fingers.

 

‘You’ll need those, love.’

 

‘Thanks !’ Harry looks like a child who’s just got Christmas presents. He can’t stop smiling and cackling, biting his finger with a dopey grin and lustful eyes. Louis is even worse, smiling big enough for his crinkles to multiply, licking his bottom lip to contain himself and try to chill. But they have lost their chill and it’s never coming back.

 

When Harry has slipped into the clean sweats, no boxers, he goes back on the couch next to Louis.

 

‘Should we make use of the hot tub now ?’ Louis chuckles.

 

‘Yeah !’ Harry seems so excited he jumps off the couch and runs to the balcony where the hot tub is.

 

Before Louis can hand him a swimsuit or boxers Harry is already naked, not caring at all.

 

‘I love being naked, it’s quite freeing.’ Harry says before Louis mentions anything.

 

‘I’m fine with it.’ Louis says subjectively with a smirk.

 

When they’re both settled, Louis in his boxers, they move closer to each other to relax in each other’s arms, Louis’ head resting on Harry’s chest.

 

‘I feel safe Harry.’ Louis breaks the silence.

 

‘Good.’ Harry gives him the most beautiful smile he’s pulled yet. ‘ Do you wanna talk about it ?’ He continues.

 

‘About what ?’

 

‘I don’t know, whatever you want to tell me, I guess. I love learning stuff about you Lou, not only the good but also the bad.’ Harry says and his voice is so calm and deep Louis sinks.

 

‘Well, it started about four years ago. ‘ He starts, trusting the boy he’s looking at. ‘I had always been a nervous child but it got worst in the teenage years. I got picked on a lot for being gay. Singing and loving drama was too feminine and, where I grew up, it’s quite hard when you’re different you know.’ Harry nods, encouraging Louis to continue. ‘When I was nineteen, I thought I’d make the jokes stop by dating a girl, Eleanor. She was pretty and popular so I thought it would help turning the rumors down, you know ? But it was too awkward. I would always be miserable with her and had to pretend I was in love and it was so hard because I didn’t even know what love was.’

 

Harry is listening to every word, frowning when hearing how Louis had to pretend to be someone else to be accepted. He’s such an amazing person, but he doesn’t even know.

 

‘When did you decide to come out ?’

 

‘ I didn’t.’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘I kept going out with her for three years until she met someone else and decided to end things. I was so relieved but then the rumors started back and that’s when the anxiety took over. My friends stopped talking to me, I only stayed in contact with my best friend, Stan, but the rest of them just vanished. I started isolating myself and one thing led to another and I was smoking weed one night and I guess it was the worst idea I’d ever had. I spaced out several times, had hallucinations and was afraid of everything around me, crying uncontrollably, heart pounding in my chest and I woke up in the hospital where they told me what had happened. I was so embarassed it happened with my roommates. They were nice enough to take me to the hospital and get me through it all but they never spoke to me after that. And I haven’t been myself since then.’

 

‘That’s why you moved to London huh ?’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘I’m sorry Louis.’ Harry is crying. He didn’t expect such a story and can’t hold them anymore. He wants Louis to feel loved and accepted and safe. He brings him closer to his chest and kiss his head through his hair. The man hugs him tighter and whispers.

 

‘It’s okay. I found you didn’t I ?’

 

‘Yes you did. And I want you to know that I’m never leaving you Lou.’

 

‘Please don’t Harry. You make me strong.’

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Baby be with me so Happily

‘Come on Niall we’ll be late !’

 

‘Shut up Harry you took forever with your hair let me have my breakfast !’

 

‘Well, those curls don’t get perfect by themselves do they ?!’

 

‘Oh my God you’re unbelievable. Let’s just go.’

 

They’ve planned this a few weeks ago. They found out they both loved golfing and figured they would have fun golfing together. However, the club next to their appartment requires to show up at a specific time and book a booth. Harry has taken forever not only with his hair, contemplating braiding them before styling them in a bun, but also because he was texting Louis who had a morning class today. Harry has his fridays off because he managed to only sign up to classes from Monday to Thursday.

 

As for Louis, he is stuck with two classes today and an appointment with the dean. He’s agreed to represent the University for the upcoming London trip. They got the opportunity to take part in a congress allowing students to meet potential employers, law firms, prestigious drama clubs and whatnot. He’s talked to Harry about it, who agreed to join only if Louis was coming too. He knew Taylor would be there though. He also knew a few of his colleagues would go as well. Zayn, Liam and Perrie keep asking him where he’s been lately. They haven’t been hanging out much, Louis has been so busy meeting Harry on the parking lot or in the study room, he forgot that people other than his boy exist.

 

‘Hey mate, going to London with us ?’ Zayn asks.

 

‘Yeah, I just spoke with the dean I’ll be guiding the students through the drama clubs. We’re even meeting with authors to get a better idea.’

 

‘That’s great ! I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages, what’ve you been up to ?’ Zayn asks and Louis doesn’t know what to answer.

 

‘Oh, you know, just a lot of papers to grade and the play to set up and stuff.’

 

‘That sucks man.’

 

‘Yep. It does…’

 

Louis is about to picture something else sucking – not pink, plump lips, absolutely not - when his phone buzzes.

 

 _* **Hazza** – Lou, I have a surprise for you ! When can you come over _ _? *_

_* **Lou** – I just finished my appointment with the dean, I still have two classes remember ?? I’ll see you tonight, babe x *_

_* **Hazza** – Ugh…Fine xx *_

 

Louis couldn’t be more eager to end the classes. He’s been wondering what Harry meant by a surprise. He hates surprises but if it’s coming from Harry, it has to be great and perfect. His speculations are interrumpted by a blond chuck of hair in his face.

 

‘Oh I’m so sorry Mr Tomlinson !’

 

 

‘Oh hello Miss Swift, it’s okay, you didn’t see me.’

 

‘Have you seen Harry by any chance ?’

 

She knows. They’re screwed. Everything’s over. He will lose his job, he will have to move to another city and find another appartment and sell his car. Harry wil stay here and

 

‘Um…Why would I know where he is ?’ Louis panics.

 

‘He told me he had tutoring today so he couldn’t meet me, so I just figured you’d know.’

 

‘Oh yes, I’m meeting with him later on. I don’t know where he is right now though, sorry.’ He can barely hold his eyes in place.

 

‘Well, thank you anyway Mr Tomlinson, I’ll try and find him then !’ She smiles, clueless. She seems to be hiding something though. Her eyes are red and puffy and it looks like she has been crying for days. She looks thinner than what he saw on pictures.

 

‘Is everything okay Miss Swift ?’

 

‘Um, yes.’

 

‘Come on, I don’t have you as a student but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart. Plus, I’m not that older than you, I’m sure I can help.’ Louis has to know what’s going on in her head.

 

‘Well, Harry and I were dating but he stood me up last week. He left me on a boat by myself and never came back and I still don’t know what happened. He acted like a jerk but I agreed to stay good friends and now I think I want him back, I miss him.’

 

‘I’m sorry to hear that Miss swift. To be honest, you seem like a nice girl, maybe you don’t deserve him…I mean he doesn’t deserve you.’ Louis surprises himself at this honesty.

 

‘I know you’re right. I’m just confused, I thought he wanted this. Anyway, thank you Mr Tomlinson.’ She says and continues walking toward whatever she was walking to when they bumped into each other.

 

He can’t help feeling bad for the girl but he feels so possessive over Harry he can’t stop grinning at the thought that he influenced her to not try to have him back. He’s happy that they’re now just good friends, if that.

 

For his last class, Louis can’t stop thinking about the surprise waiting for him. His thoughts are cut when a student raises his hand to participate to today’s assignment : coming up with a play portraying struggles through metaphors.

‘I was thinking about a nautical theme maybe ?’

 

‘Go on.’

 

‘Well, let’s take a ship. It needs a compass to go to the right destination but it can come accross waves that try to break the link and get it off track.  But if the link is strong enough, it will conquer the waves and the compass will guide the boat home. I think it shows how two people can always find their way to each other no matter the obstacles if the bond is strong enough. It also shows that the ship can’t find his way without the compass and the compass has no use without the ship. Do you think I can go with that idea for my paper ?’

 

‘That’s an amazing idea actually, Luke. Well done.’

 

*

 

Harry is in the kitchen, he’s been there for hours, trying to come up with a good meal for dinner. He’d promised Louis to cook for him and have him stay over for once instead of sneaking out, Niall being away for the weekend. He decided to go with tacos after failing several other recipes that were too complicated. He makes a mental note to better himself before making Louis other things like a chicken marmite perhaps. He’s in his pink apron he loves so much, in his boxers, curls still tamed in this morning’s bun. He’s just assembled the tacos when there’s a loud knock on the door. He runs to it with his apron on and greets his teacher with a gentle kiss, pinching his bum.

 

‘I’ve missed you Lou.’

 

‘I’ve missed you too Harreh.’

 

‘I made dinner !’ Harry says after a while staring at each other, as per usual.

 

‘Good. I’m starving !’

 

Harry goes back in the kitchen while Louis takes off his coat and jumps on the couch.

 

‘Harry ?’ Louis calls. ‘Harry ?…Harry ?’ He tries another time. ‘Hazza ?!’ he finally shouts.

 

‘Coming !’ Harry errupts from the kitchen with two plates and place them on the coffee table.

 

‘Mmmh that looks delicious, thanks babe !’

 

‘You’re welcome Lou.’ Harry sings.

 

‘Guess who I ran into today .’

 

‘Who ?!’

 

‘Your girlfriend.’

 

‘Stop saying that, she’s not my girlfriend !’ Harry says in fury.

 

‘Well, she looked awful. Told me she missed you and all.’

 

‘Really ? Well, I feel bad but we dated for a couple of weeks, she couldn’t be in love or anything.’ He says frowning.

 

‘Well, I fell in love with you within seconds.’ Louis says before he can stop himself and widen his eyes in shock. Harry chokes on his taco and looks up at Louis from the floor.

 

‘You what ?’

 

‘Um…I…Um’ Louis suttters before deciding to let go and speak his mind. ‘ I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. I lo-‘ Louis suddenly stops. The color in his eyes has changed. He froze. Harry can see his hands begin to shake. _Oh no._

‘Harry ! Harry !’ Louis is screaming, tears streaming down his face.

 

‘I’m here Lou ! Lou can you hear me ?!’ Harry is holding Louis’ hands so tight his knuckles are white.

 

‘I can’t see you. You’ve left me ! I knew it ! You didn’t love me…I’m so sorry’. Louis is talking nonsense, panicking, shouting and then mumbling quietly. He’s a completely different person. It’s almost scary how quickly he changed. He doesn’t dare to move, he’s crying so hard his face is red and he can’t open his eyes. Harry doesn’t know what to do other than holding him carefully. When he tries dropping his hands to go for a hug Louis jerks away violently.

 

‘No ! No ! Don’t hurt me please !’

 

‘I’m not ! You’re safe ! Louis you’re safe, open your eyes, please baby !’ Harry is crying now. He’s so scared he can’t think straight. He runs to the kitchen to pour a glass of water and splash it on Louis’ face. ‘Lou ! Lou ! I’m here look !’.

 

When Louis doesn’t react, Harry grabs his duffle bag, looking for some sort of medication Louis might have to stop this episode. He finds a tablet called ‘Atarax’ and reads the mentions behind it.

 

‘ ** _This medicine is an antihistamine used to treat anxiety, to relieve itching caused by allergic conditions, and to cause drowsiness. It may also be used to treat other conditions as determined by your doctor._**

 

Harry doesn’t really know if it applies and panicks at the thought of giving the wrong kind of medicine. When he doesn’t find anything else and Louis gets too quiet, however, Harry decides to risk it and give it to him.

 

‘No ! Please ! I can’t.’ Louis says, not looking at Harry.

 

‘Louis, this is gonna make you come back . Please, trust me.’

 

Louis opens his mouth and Harry quickly puts the pill on his tongue and makes him drink a glass of water.

 

After about fifteen minutes, Louis seems to be back at himself. He’s sweating and still shaking slightly but he’s looking at Harry again and moving. He begins to cry and Harry thinks it’s starting again but Louis gestures for him to stay calm, it’s over, he’s just overwhelmed.

 

‘I’m so sorry Harry.’ Louis cries.

 

‘I already told you to never apologize for things you have no control over Lou. Do you feel safe enough now ?’

 

‘Yes. Please stay with me.’

 

‘I’m not going anywhere.’

 

They stay on the floor for a while, leaned against the foot of the couch. Louis is resting on Harry’s chest, hugging him gently. Harry his playing with the man’s hair, leaving kisses on his forehead when he sighs.

 

‘I know something that might cheer you up.’ Harry finally whispers. ‘Remember the surprise I had waiting for you ?’ Louis nods and Harry gets up to grab something in his room.

 

‘Please don’t go !’

 

‘Don’t worry Lou I’ll be back.’

 

Harry goes back in the living room with a guitar and a music sheet.

 

‘You wrote a song for me ?’

 

‘Yes. Can I sing it to you ?’

 

‘Of course.’ Louis lightens up.

 

Harry begins strumming and humming along the chords. The song starts slow and smooth and it’s calming Louis, listening to his boy with a cup of tea in his hand and his head resting on the couch. When Harry starts the chorus, the tone changes and it gets faster and louder and Harry has the voice of a rough angel. His deep  tone is mixed with a perfect pitch and words flowing easily in Louis’ ears.

 

‘ ** _I don't care what people say when we're together._**

****

**_You know I wanna be the one to hold you when you sleep._ **

****

**_I just want it to be you and I forever._ **

****

**_I know you wanna leave._ **

****

**_So come on baby be with me_ **

****

**_So happily.’_ **


	10. Ship and compass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains short sex scenes, if you don't want to read them, you can skim through it but it's not that descriptive so you might enjoy it too.
> 
> Enjoy !

‘Lou ? You’re awake ?’

 

‘Mmmh’

 

‘I made breakfast. French toasts !’

 

‘I’m not hungry.’

 

‘You have to eat something Lou. Please smile for me at least ?’

 

‘Mmmh’

 

The sun is rising, going away with the events of the night before. Harry hasn’t slept yet, keeping company to Louis until he could feel safe enough to close his eyes. He hasn’t left his side, despite the several attempts to push him away. He’s stayed and made sure the man he cannot spend a day without he’s okay. Last night is nothing but a blur, a confused series of words and tears. It happened so fast yet lasted so long it feels like it’s not over yet.

 

‘How are you feeling Lou ?’ Harry asks, stroking Louis’ hair.

 

‘Better. Much better. But sleepy.’

 

‘I know, you haven’t closed your eyes in eight hours. Neither have I.’

 

‘I’m so sorry Hazza.’

 

‘Lou I-‘

 

‘Yeah yeah I know, _never apologize for something you can’t control_ blablabla.’

 

‘Maybe one day you’ll apply that.’

 

Harry puts the tray he had brought with breakfast on his desk and slid back under the covers with Louis.

 

‘Is there something I can do to make you feel even better ?’

 

‘Sing. The song. Please ?’ Louis asks with the smile that resembles a kitten and Harry grabs his guitar and begins to strum.

 

They spend their Saturday in bed with a cup of tea, watching Homeland and cuddling, Harry gently kissing Louis’ head from time to time, the latter caressing his boy’s bare chest. They’re _them_ again. Harry and Louis. Home.

 

‘I was thinking about getting a tattoo.’ Harry suddenly says.

 

‘Yeah? I’ve never really been into them.’

 

‘I think they’re cool. I was thinking about getting a star.’

 

‘Why ?’

 

‘Because I feel like one, like I’m part of the universe and as bright as one.’

 

‘You do talk some shit Harreh.’

 

‘ I’m serious.’

 

‘Okay then, I’ll see how it turns out I guess.’

 

‘Would you come with me ? To the parlor ?’

 

‘Sure.’ Louis agrees and Harry cannot hold his grin.

 

*

 

‘So you’re getting a star ?’

 

‘Yes.’ Harry nods to the man holding the needle.

 

‘I’ve already told him it’s lame.’ Louis shouts,standing in the doorframe.

 

‘Don’t you guys wanna look up some complementary tattoos ? I have loads.’

 

‘No thanks, he’s not into them.’

 

‘Well, I might if I have a really good one to do.’ Louis changes his mind.

 

Harry doesn’t move so much when the needle inks his skin even though he groans a little bit and holds Louis’ hand tight when it’s done. The star is under his upper arm and big enough to get noticed but not big enough to be ridiculous. When they’re about to leave, Harry takes the offer to look up couple tattoos and find a few he likes and shows it to Louis who sighs but doesn’t reject the idea completely.

 

 

They both had classes today but they met up during lunch break to go to the parlor. Nobody noticed anything since they brought their own car and left minutes apart. This is working. This is possible. This is happening.

 

*

 

It’s been two months. Two months of hanging out at each other’s appartment, two months of making out in the car in sketchy parking lots, two months of pure bliss and passion. Two months of being together.

 

Louis is straddling Harry’s lap on his bed, head buried in the boy’s neck. He’s sucking on the skin, licking and kissing, making sure to leave a purple mark. He’s tugging at the curls and thrusting on his boy. They’re both in their boxers, stroking each other to create some sort of friction to not go crazy. Louis is making Harry beg. He loves it.

 

They sit up when Harry straighten his back, bringing Louis with him and starts kissing him roughly, tongues attacking each other. He gets on top of Louis who’s pushed on the mattress. Harry slowly kisses his neck then goes down to his collar bones, then his chest, settles on his tummy for a while before biting the hem of Louis’ waistband.

 

‘Fuck’ Louis moans.

 

Harry doesn’t let the sweet sound distract him and pulls Louis’ boxers down, helped by him lifting his hips. He licks the man’s inner thighs, biting and sucking several times, making Louis beg this time.

 

‘Please Harry !’

 

‘Alright, alright, calm down I’m getting there.’ Harry giggles. He then takes Louis in his hand and covers him completely. He starts sliding it up and down before licking the pre come off Louis’ head and looks up to see him biting his bottom lip in anticipation. Harry smirks and wraps his lips around Louis’ cock, not leaving him with his eyes. He sucks him off slowly, taking his time, making it last.

 

‘Fuck Haz, I’m gonna-‘

 

‘Oh please do. Come for me babe.’ And Louis does, with a choked scream.

 

When Louis comes back from the high, he notices how hard Harry is, trying to get himself off. He jerks his hand away, gestures for him to lay down and then moves to his side. He takes Harry’s boxers off and takes his length in his hand, stroking gently to make him plead. The sight his stricking. Harry’s face covered in Louis’ come, moaning and gronaing at Louis’ touch. When the older man brings two fingers on his boy’s mouth, Harry takes them in his mouth and sucks violently. Louis then brings his fingers down and rubs Harry’s hole.

 

‘Please Lou, don’t tease !’

 

‘Eager are we ?’

 

‘Yes we are !’ Louis chuckles and slowly slips one finger into Harry who jumps at the sudden friction.

 

‘More, more !’ Harry shouts and Louis obliges, fucking Harry with his two fingers, holding the boy’s hips as he thrusts into them, shaking and moaning like a madman.

 

‘Come on Haz, let it go.’

 

‘I’m so…close…I-‘ And Harry lets go, his cock pressed on his stomach, coming untouched and dizzy.

 

They lay down on the bed still undressed until Niall comes home. They don’t bother warning him anymore. He’s complained a few times, not being able to sleep hearing moans and whatnot at two in the morning, but other than that he’s been very supportive and friendly towards Louis. Harry tells him everything and Louis knows that . It’s weird since Niall is his student too but he figured he’s a nice lad, like a little brother and he even finds himself being protective over him for some reason.

 

Louis is tucked in Harry’s chest, holding his hand, being the little spoon when he breaks the silence.

 

‘I think I wanna get a tattoo.’

 

‘What ? really ?’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘What do you wanna get ?’

 

‘A few things…’

 

‘Like what ?’

 

‘Well I saw this doodle of a skater boy, I want that first.’

 

‘And you were laughing at my star ?’

 

‘Shut up Harold.’

 

‘What else did you wanna get ?’

 

‘Well, I’ve been thinking about something one of my students told me recently. He said the most beautiful relationship is between a compass and a ship because the ship needs the compass to get home and the compass his useless without the boat and his entire job is to guide him home. He also said that waves can come in the way but if the link is strong enough, the ship will make it home.’ Harry is swallowing every word and staring at Louis in awe as he links it to them. Louis is Harry’s home. He told him more than once. He loves being with Louis, he loves spending just a second with him because it’s comfortable and safe, just like home. Louis is definitely the compass. Although Harry is the one making him feel safe when he has his panick attacks, Louis feels like he has a purpose with his boy, he’s not himself without him, he’s alone and needs his ship to find a sense again.

 

‘I’ll get the ship.’ Harry says briefly, immediatly getting what Louis is implying.

 

‘What ?’

 

‘I’ll get the ship and you’ll get the compass.’

 

‘Do you want to ?’

 

‘Of course I do. We’re bound by something I can’t understand but I know it’s strong Lou. And I love you.’

 

‘And I…I love you too Harry.’


	11. Where Do Broken Hearts Go

‘So you’re up for tonight, yeah ? Don’t bail on us ! There’s someone I want you to meet.’ Zayn says, frowning.

 

‘Zayn, are you trying to set me up with someone ? I told you I don’t want a relationship.’

 

‘Trust me, you’ll like him. And if you don’t want anything serious you will always have one more friend, right ? We’ll meet at the pub at nine then go to the club. See you there man !’ Zayn smiles and walks towards his class before Louis can say anything.

 

Louis hasn’t seen his friends in so long it seems like they don’t even know each other so well anymore. He wants to make it up to them, he misses them more than he’s willing to admit. Him going out tonight has nothing to do with Harry studying for his exams. Absolutely not. He misses taking a drag with Zayn, he misses chatting with Liam at lunch breaks, he even misses rolling his eyes when Perrie would make a dumb comment or compliment Louis saying things like _‘You look so smart !_ ’. Who even says that to a man wearing Vans and a headband to work ? But Zayn seems to like her a lot so he tries his best to put up with her. He also hasn’t had the chance to properly spend time with Sophia, Liam’s new girlfriend that Perrie introduced a weeks back.

 

He is dreading the night though, not knowing who Zayn wants him to meet so bad. He’s been unable to tell him about Harry, it was challenging enough to come out to him without a panick attack, or a stroke. Turns out Zayn’s been really supportive of him and didn’t start treating Louis any differently, so he figures it was a good idea to tell him, plus it was a weight lift off his chest.

 

When he gets to his appartment after the classes, he texts Harry to make sure he’s not stressing out too much and grades some papers when he gets a smiley face and a _‘Don’t worry Lou ! Have fun tonight !’_. He starts getting ready two hours later, deciding on a black long sleeved denim shirt, his black skinny jeans, black Vans and styles his hair as usual, feathery fringe and all. He reaches his car and gets to the pub a few minutes later, sitting for a while, trying to remind himself that this is going to be okay, he can have fun, he can be with a crowd, he can meet new people.

 

‘Hey Louis !’ Liam greets him with a tight hug, followed by Sophia, Perrie and Zayn. A man his standing next to Zayn. He looks a bit like him, handsome, perfect cheekbones, he looks a lot like Aladdin and Louis doesn’t realize when he gasps at the sight.

 

‘Hi, I’m Travis.’ The man speaks and he has a compelling voice. He could make anyone do anything by just staring in his hazel eyes.

 

‘Hi, I’m Louis.’

 

‘I know. Nice to finally meet you.’

 

‘Should we get to the booth yeah ?’ Zayn interrumpts.

 

They all follow him to their half round table. Liam takes a seat first, sliding to be in the middle. Sophia goes next, scooting over to be closer to his boyfriend. Perrie sits next to her and Zayn follows. That leaves Louis no choice but to go sit between Liam and Travis.

 

They chat about everything and anything, laughing loud and having fun. Even Louis is having a lot of fun, complaining about students, making lame jokes about the University policies and just having a laugh with pints. Louis had ordered a cosmopolitan and thought to himself that he couldn’t be more gay, pulling manly shouts and randomly throwing west side signs to make up for it. He still has a hard time behaving normally, being himself. He’s convinced he has to act like the manliest of them all to be accepted.

 

‘So, Louis, have you got a boyfriend I should know about ?’ Travis asks after a while. The two of them have been chatting for so long Louis hadn’t noticed they were by themselves now, absentmindly flirting, influenced by the alcohol he really shouldn’t be having. He’s started taking his medication again since the last panick attack and knows it could go wrong with any alcohol or other substances. But he wants to have fun and doesn’t want to have to explain himself when he orders a coke in a pub.

 

‘I don’t. But I’m not looking for one.’ Louis makes it clear he’s not interested but grins to lighten the mood.

 

‘I’m not looking for one either.’ Travis smirks. _Oh God_.

 

The man leans towards Louis when his phone buzzes, stopping him.

 

* **_Harry Styles_** _– Having fun ? Everything okay ?_ *

 

‘Sorry, I need to answer that.’ Louis pretends someone’s calling him and rushes to the back door to make the call.

 

Harry answers immediatly.

 

‘What’s wrong Lou ?’

 

‘Nothing. I just…I miss you.’

 

‘I miss you too Boobear !’

 

‘I knew I shouldn’t have told you about this nickname.’

 

‘Oh come on I like it ! Why are you talking to me, you should be having fun with your friends.’

 

‘Zayn came with a guy he wanted me to meet and he’s nice but I don’t-‘

 

‘Why don’t you tell him you have a boyfriend ?’

 

‘Because, well, we haven’t dicussed that yet Haz…’

 

‘Louis, when I tell you I love you and take you in my mouth after you’ve marked me with lovebites, I’m pretty sure I was implying that I wanted to be yours.’

 

‘You do ?’

 

‘Of course I do. Now go tell the asshole you’re taken before I drive over there to beat him up.’

 

‘Harold.’

 

‘Let me pretend I’m tough Lou. And off topic, I found this fantastic candle that smells like caramel and I tried licking it, do you think I should be worried ?’

 

‘My tough man. Yes you should.’

 

‘About the chemicals on my tongue Louis, not the idea of a candle.’

 

‘Oh, then no Haz, you’re good. Please keep yourself alive love ?’

 

‘I’ll try ! Now go tell the guy about me Lou !’

 

‘Bye Harreh.’

 

‘Bye Lou. Love you !’

 

‘Love you too.’

 

Louis goes back to the booth to find the rest of his friends keeping Travis company. They’re taking selfies and he doesn’t want to ruin everything so he just sits back next to him and slides in the pictures. He then completely space out and when he opens his eyes, he can’t act like himself anymore. He forgets he’s not supposed to drink, he forgets he’s supposed to mention his boyfriend, he forgets how dangerous it is for him to lose himself. They go to the club at midnight, all half drunk and giggling. Travis has been keeping a hand down Louis’ back for a while now but Louis didn’t push him away, unable to fully control his actions.

 

When the man invites Louis to dance, the latter doesn’t protest. He lets Travis guide him to the middle of the dancefloor, crushed by the crowd grinding so close to them he feels like he’s suffocating. The Aladdin look alike brings Louis to his chest in order for the disoriented man to give him his back. He then tucks his head in louis’ neck, quiff brushing Louis’ cheeks. He doesn’t walk away. He doesn’t protest. He goes with the slow pace and gentle touch of Travis’ hand grabbing his hips to pull him closer. The music makes it even harder to focus. He can see flashes before his eyes, probably the heavy light in the club. By the time he gets back to reality, he’s pushed against a wall, lips crushed by another mouth. He pushes the man with his hands against his chest and finds himself panting.

 

‘Where are we ?’

 

‘At my appartment. Told you about five times already are you okay ?’

 

‘What ? Where the fuck…What happened ?’

 

‘What do you mean what happened ?’

 

‘I need to get out of here, get me out of here !’ Louis starts to panick. He needs to feel safe again. He needs Harry.

 

‘Calm down, calm down. God, you weren’t screaming like that when I was blowing you in the car !’ Travis shouts and Louis thinks he’s going to pass out.

 

‘What ?’

 

‘You didn’t seem so tense when you were moaning my name Louis.’ He adds frowning and Louis has never wanted to disappear more. He opens the door next to him and flies down the stairs to get out. When he doesn’t see any signs of Travis following him, he grabs his phone and dials Harry’s number. He stares at it for a while, but then decides it might be better to not tell him what happened yet. He changes his mind and calls Zayn instead.

 

‘Louis ? What’s wrong ?’ Zayn asks when Louis starts sobbing.

 

‘Can you come get me Zayn, I’m at Travis’.’

 

‘Of course, I’ll be there in ten.’ Louis thanks God his friend wasn’t in the middle of something and could let whatever he was doing to help him.

 

‘What happened ?’ Zayn asks in the car on their way to Louis’ appartment.

 

‘I have no idea. All I know is that I should have told you sooner that I have a boyfriend.’

 

‘What ?! You do ? I’m so sorry Louis, I wouldn’t have introduce you to Travis if I knew ! Did he do someting to you ?’

 

‘Nothing I wasn’t okay with when it happened apparently. It’s not your fault, it’s mine, I should have told you I’m sorry.’

 

‘I'll break this jerk's neck. but who is this boyfriend ? What’s his name ?’

 

‘Well, that’s the thing…he’s one of my students.’

 

‘What ?!’

 

‘I won’t tell you who it is but he makes me feel so fucking happy Zayn it freaks me out.’

 

‘So that’s why you’ve been M.I.A. for weeks huh ? You’re in love.’ Zayn can’t hide his smile and how glad he is for Louis to have found someone that makes him feel the same way Perrie does him.

 

When Louis wakes up, he feels disgusting. He’s still wearing yesterday’s clothes and has a gross taste in his mouth, a mixture of cigarettes, beer and mistakes. He hasn’t been able to fully recover from the events of the nights, still half hammered. When he gets up he feels dizzy and has to sit back down to not fall on his feet. He checks his phone he’d left in his pocket.

 

* _4 missed calls._ *

 

Right. It’s now three in the afternoon and he hasn’t called Harry yet. They were supposed to meet at noon and go to Wellington this weekend to go to a concert, which makes him feel even worse. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to face Harry again. He would be devastated. Louis knows he wouldn’t want him after what he did. No matter the circumstances. He hadn’t heard the knocks on his door until he layed back down on his bed. It’s probably what woke him up in the first place. He walks to the door and when he peeks through the peephole, he sees an agitated Harry with his hands in his hair, frowning and biting his lips. When the boy knocks one more time Louis takes a step back, careful not to make any sound.

 

‘Louis ! Louis William Tomlinson ! I know you’re here your car is parked in the parking lot !’ Louis doesn’t remember driving it back here but, again, he doesn’t remember much of the night. ‘Open the door Lou !’ Harry is screaming, more out of fear than anger.

 

‘Go away Harry !’ Louis finally answers. 

 

‘Why ? what’s wrong ? What happened Lou ?’ And Louis feels his heart breaking at the thought, holding back his tears.

 

‘I can’t be with you.’

 

‘Don’t do this again Lou, I’ll be there for you, I love you.’ His heart is nothing but broken pieces at this point. ‘Is this about Travis Lou ?’

 

When he doesn’t answer, Harry stops screaming and Louis can hear him walk closer to the door to rest his forehead.

 

‘Did you cheat on me Louis ?’ He doesn’t say a word, he’s crying way too much to make words leave his mouth. He’s sitting on the floor, back against the door, praying for Harry to open it and come hold him tighter than ever before.  He wants to tell him everything, so bad, but nothing comes out.

 

‘I thought you loved me Lou. I thought we were strong enough.’ Harry’s voice is breaking and nothing but a whisper now. Louis mouths an ‘ _I do_ ’, hoping Harry will hear him somehow. But he doesn’t. ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t be enough for you.’ Harry finally says before crying. Louis hears steps reaching the elevator and he wants to die. Harry left. And he brought Louis’ heart with him. And that’s when he wonders : what is he supposed to do now ? How is he going to survive this ?

 

_Where do broken hearts go ?_

 

 


	12. Just A Little Bit Of Your Heart

Harry hasn’t been able to get out of the car. He doesn’t want to see him, talk to him, feel him. He’ hurting so bad and his heart is in million pieces shattered on Louis’ doorway. He hasn’t slept, crying all night in Niall’s arms. His friend agreed to drive him to his classes seeing how much of a mess he was. He doesn’t speak, he can’t breathe, can’t smile, can’t laugh. He’s not alive anymore. He needs him.

 

‘Mate, are you gonna be okay ?’

 

‘Yeah. I can’t hide in my room and miss class.’

 

‘You can tell me if you’re not, you know that, yeah ?’

 

‘I know. Thank you.’

 

They get out of the car in front of the campus, walking slowly towards Dickens Hall. It’s their first class and Harry feels his head spinning when he approaches the building.

 

‘I can’t do this Niall. I can’t.’ Harry says choking on his tears, cheeks red and eyes puffy from the lack of sleep.

 

‘You can’t fail the class though, and you will if you don’t attend it Harry. Just don’t look up okay ? Stay close to me, we’ll go in the back.’

 

‘Okay.’

 

When they reach their seat, Louis hasn’t arrived yet, making things easier. When it’s ten minutes past the hour, Harry starts to think maybe he won’t show up, maybe he won’t have to face him, maybe he won’t have to try so hard to hold his tears, maybe-

 

‘Good morning everyone. Don’t mention me being late or my stained shirt I won’t answer you.’ Louis says in a sassy tone, but serious, and ready to beat up anyone who would dare disobey him today. He doesn’t look much better than Harry. The bags under his eyes make it difficult to see the blue masterpiece, his cheeks are red and seem to have scratches on them. His shirt his stained with tea and his fringe’s never been so disturbingly pulled back in a headband. He’s a mess.

 

‘I won’t stay for the whole class as I have something to take care of. You’ll have a pop quizz during the reminder of the class.’ When the class groans he looks up from his desk to make them stop but he doesn’t move or say anything. He saw him. He clears his throat and continue the class as if Harry doesn’t exist.

 

 _Ouch_.

 

When the class finishes, Harry and Niall sprint out the door and Louis doesn’t even look behind his back as usual to see if his boy already left. Harry’s not sure he’s his boy anymore. He’s not. He’ll never be again, and it breaks the dust of a heart he has left. He can’t bear not being able to kiss him, touch him, breathe into him. He’s going insane not being able to look into those deep blue eyes and admiring those eyelashes. He even misses the smell of Louis’ feet who’s never wearing socks and he thinks it’s the most pathetic and heartbreaking thought of them all.

 

When he goes to his Criminal Justice class in the evening, he’s daydreaming about what he would be doing if Louis hadn’t cheated when a familiar voice breaks his thoughts.

 

‘Harry ?’ The voice says, shyly.

 

‘Kendall ?’ Harry tries, not sure if he got her name right.

 

‘Yeah !’ Thank God.

 

‘How are you ?’

 

‘Good and you ?’

 

 _I’m dying_.

 

‘I’m good, I’m good.’ And for some reason he gets the worse idea.

 

‘Hey, would you like to hang out sometime ?’ He tries.

 

‘Um, yeah, sure. I’m not doing anything tomorrow if you’re free ?’ Well, that was fast.

 

‘Great, let’s go to the new sushi place then. Pick you up at eight ?’

 

‘Works for me. See you tomorrow then !’ She says with a bright smile. She’s beautiful. She has the kind of natural beauty that’s so striking she doesn’t even have to try. She’s shy and reserved but she’s quite nice and looks like a model with her height and thin body. She has long, shiny, black hair and a lame sense of humor but Harry doesn’t make the best jokes either so he can’t judge. He figures he could try to act like he doesn’t care about Louis cheating, that he could do the same and see other people.

 

When he comes home from his last class, he’s exhausted. He takes off his clothes and slips into clean boxers after a quick shower before grabbing his phone to check Instagram one last time and going to bed. That’s when he sees them. Several pictures of Louis with his friends…and Travis, he guesses. The man is beautiful. They look too drunk to be aware of their actions and half the pictures are blurry, effect or not, which gives away the atmosphere in the club, who published the photos on their account, enabling Harry to put a face on this name he can’t bear to even think about. He locks his phone and hides under the covers to keep Niall from hearing him cry himself to sleep.

 

The next day couldn’t go by any faster. He’s been dreading the date with Kendall. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see her, he would just prefer seeing Louis and talk with him about matching tattoos and Christmas presents. But he can’t. Not anymore.

 

‘The salmon is really good.’ Kendall says to make conversation. They have literally nothing in common. She’s not funny, she’s been rude to the waitress throughout the whole dinner, she’s smiling as a nervous reflex. It’s awful. He doesn’t know what to say because she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t get him.

 

They leave the restaurant after an hour and a half of awkward silence and nervous giggling, from Kendall anyway, and he walks her to her door. She lives with her family. They’re the richest in the village, and maybe the next three towns close to Holmes Chapel, and she’s rumored to be the worst spoilt brat that exists, beside her sister. Harry’s never been the kind to judge a book by its cover though so he figured he would give her another chance.

 

‘Would you like to go out again sometime ?’ He asks.

 

‘Yeah, it was nice. Until next time then ?’ She says and bites her lip to not giggle again. Harry smiles politely and goes back to his car before she can expect somehting else from him. He’s not ready. He wouldn’t replace the taste of Louis with someone else. He couldn’t.

 

*

 

‘Harry ! Come over here I want you to meet someone !’ Niall shouts in the appartment, making Harry jump and stumble on his feet before falling on his bed.

 

‘Comin’ !’

 

‘Harry, this is Ed, he’s helping me out with our music assignment. We have to come up with a song but I thought you two might get along, you remind me of each other.’ Niall says and Ed looks at him like a kid whose mom is showing him off in front of the class.

‘Hey nice to meet you Harry.’ The redhead says with a big smile. Harry shakes his hand and nods.

 

‘You too man.’

 

‘Hey Haz, there’s something I wanted to ask you…’

 

‘Sure what is it ?’

 

‘We came up with the arrangement, the instrumental arrangement but we’re having trouble with the lyrics. Would you mind helping us, you’re so great with words and you know how shitty I am with that stuff !’

 

‘Of course ! I’ll see what I have in my journal.’ Harry says with an excited grin.

 

‘Oh and, it’s to be heard by several teachers so no innuendos or crazy nympho or general sex songs !’

 

‘Ugh, fine. I’ll work on something new.’

 

Niall knows Harry’s mind way too well.

 

‘ When is it due ?’ He asks his roommate, wondering how long he’s got to come up with a song.

 

‘Two weeks from now.’

 

*

 

‘So where are we going this time ?’

 

‘It’s a bar I quite like. We’ll have a lot of fun there, it’s better than usual bars.’ Harry says smirking. He’s been planning on bringing Kendall to his favorite bar since he talked about the first date with Niall. His friend advised him to bring her in a place where he has fun. That way, even if she turns out ot be as boring as Taylor, he’d still enjoy the night.

 

When they enters the bar, it’s all men grinding on each other. It’s Harry’s favorite _gay_ bar. He figured if it doesn’t go well he can always get drunk and go home with someone else. He sees her discomfort when she doesn’t smile once after coming in. He laughs internally at the thought. A part of him chose the place to make sure she wouldn’t have a good time and, thus, wouldn’t want to go out with him ever again.

 

He’s giving her a drink when he sees him. He has someone’s hands on his hips, head in the crook of his neck, whispering something. Harry watched with fury, not believing what he’s witnessing. Louis is holding a bottle of beer and grinding back. He wants to break the guy’s neck and he goes red.

 

‘Is everything okay ?’ Kendall asks, standing between Harry and the scene in front of him.

 

‘Um, yeah, I just, we need to go.’ Harry grabs Kendall’s forearm and they leave, only one hour after their arrival.

 

He’s going to burst.

 

He walks Kendall home and leaves immediatly wihtout looking back, glad she didn’t say anything, eager to leave the bar, he assumed.

 

When he gets home he crashes on his bed, choking on his pillow, chest tight, screaming and crying uncontrollably. He hates the feeling. And he hates that he doesn’t hate Louis.

 

When he wakes up, he knows he’ll have to see him again. Today’s class is the first rehearsal for the play. He can’t miss it.

 

He needs to prepare for this. He needs to remind himself not to cry when he sees him. He stops by the fountain to wash his face in the hallway and when he lifts his head up and turns, he’s face to face with him. He can feel the goosebumps numbing him. He freezes. He can’t speak, can’t blink. They’re staring at each other.

 

‘Hello’ Louis tries but Harry frowns and looks down.

 

‘Hi.’

 

‘You didn’t come to tutoring on Monday…’

 

‘Well, I figured you wouldn’t want to see me, and I didn’t want to see you anyway so…’

 

‘You passed Harry.’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘You passed the exam. You don’t need the tutoring anymore. I was going to tell you on Monday but you didn’t show up.’

 

‘Well, I was busy, with my girlfriend.’

 

Harry can see Louis crumble. Good.

 

‘Oh, okay, um, well congratulations on the exam…and the girlfriend.’ Louis says and stutters the last words before rushing to the classroom.

 

Harry watches him walk away, leaving with a piece of him.

 

_I love you Lou._

 

It’s only been a week since Niall and Ed asked Harry to come up with some lyrics but Harry’s been inspired. When he hands the sheet to them, they look up, concerned.

 

‘He’s everything okay with you mate ?’ Ed asks and Niall shakes his head, knowing what was going on in Harry’s head when he wrote the song.

 

 

**_* I don't ever tell you how I really feel_ **

**_Cause I can't find the words to say what I mean_ **

**_And nothing's ever easy, that's what they say_ **

**_I know I'm not your only_ **

**_But I'll still be a fool_ **

**_Cause I'm a fool for you_ **

****

**_Just a little bit of your heart_ **

**_Just a little bit of your heart_ **

**_Just a little bit of your heart is all I want_ **

**_Just a little bit of your heart_ **

**_Just a little bit of your heart_ **

**_Just a little bit is all I'm asking for_ **

****

****

**_I know I'm not your only_ **

**_But at least I'm one_ **

**_I heard a little love_ **

**_Is better than none_ **

****

**_Just a little bit of your heart_ **

**_Just a little bit of your heart_ **

**_Just a little bit of your heart is all I want_ **

**_Just a little bit of your heart_ **

**_Just a little bit of your heart_ **

**_Just a little bit is all I'm asking for *_ **

 

 


	13. It is what it is

_* **Louis Tomlinson** – Hello Harry. I know I’m the last person you want to see, but I need to talk to you about something…in person. Could you come tomorrow at my appartment at seven ? I want to explain myself.‘_

After an hour, the phone buzzes.

_* **Harry Styles** – I’ll be there. *_

 

_\- Flashback **–**_

 

‘Mr Tomlinson ?’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘Come in my office, I need to talk to you for your discharge.’Louis follows the psychiastrist through the hallway. If he turns his head all he can see is people walking in circles, mumbling to themselves, screaming in sudden outbursts, staff members handing pills to agitated patients.

 

‘Take a seat.’ The doctor says and continues as soon as Louis sits down. ‘ You’ve made a lot of progress Louis. I’m really happy for you. You seem to have realized a lot of things here, haven’t you ?

 

‘I have.’

 

‘I want to go back to where you were when you admitted yourself here compared to how you feel and who you are now.’ He informs his patient. ‘ You were quite determined to get better when you first arrived, right ?’

 

‘Yes. I needed to take care of myself. I’ve hurt the people I love because of this. I owe it to them…and to myself.’

 

‘It’s great that you came to that. What made you change your mind ?’

 

‘Well, I cheated on the man that I love because I drank too much while being under medication. I spaced out and have no idea what happened. I couldn’t live with myself after that, hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do, especially like this.’

 

‘How ?’

 

‘By making excuses I guess ? I felt like I didn’t deserve him so I did everything to push him away, convinced I would ruin it no matter what at some point.’

 

‘And why is that ?’

 

‘Because…Maybe it hurts less when you’re the one who ruins it. Maybe I always screw up things that makes me happy to prevent them from hurting me. I’ve always been so scared of losing the things and the people that I love.’

 

‘Have you ever lost anyone you loved Louis ?’

 

‘I mean, my dad left us when I was younger and me mom had several partners that eventually left, in good terms or not, I just got fed up with getting attached and then never seeing that perosn again you know ? It’s like I wasn’t enough for them to stay.’

 

‘But you know you’re enough now ?’

 

‘Yes. I learned that I’m here for a reason and that someone loves me for a reason. Even if it’s just myself.’

 

‘Absolutely.’

 

‘Remember that you deserve happiness Louis. Everyone does. You’re smart, kind, funny and important. Just because some people don’t realize that, doesn’t mean it’s not true.’ The doctor says and Louis can feel him speaking with his heart rather than his diploma.

‘Nothing ever goes as we wish it would and nothing’s perfect. But that doesn’t mean we have to give up and spend a lifetime beating ourselves up. You have to be willing to see the good side Louis. If you can’t see the bad, you won’t always expect it and you won’t be afraid of it, so you won’t have those panick attacks.’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘What else have you learned ?’

 

‘That I can’t escape myself, no matter how hard I try. But I haven’t quite figured this out just yet.’

 

‘You keep running away from yourself Louis. First from Doncaster to London, then from London to Holmes Chapel. You can’t escape yourself that way. You need to learn to accept your past. Whatever that is, and write the next chapter of your own story.’The doctor starts and continues when he sees Louis listening carefuly. ‘From now on, we’re closing the last chapter and throwing away the book. We’re getting a new one. I want you to write a new story, the one you want. Try picturing the person you really want to be, and go be it. The only thing stopping you is yourself Louis. Never forget that.’

 

‘I know that now. Thank you Dr Panadero.’

 

‘Don’t thank me, you did the job, I just showed you where to work.’

 

They get up after Louis has signed the papers for his discharge, after an hold of seventy two hours at the Heritage Oaks hospital, and walks to the door.

 

‘Oh and, Louis.’

 

‘Yes ?’

 

‘Go back to him. Open up and don’t be afraid of love.’ The doctor smiles and Louis nods in response.

 

_I won’t. I’m not scared of love._

-       End of flashback –

 

Louis is getting anxious, not the usual scary anxious, more like the this-is-the-moment kind of anxious. He’s been preparing the night all day. He’d watched Jamie Oliver this morning to find a recipe to try and not burn his appartment while cooking for Harry. He settled on a fancy yet simple dish to make it look like he really tried without ending the night at the hospital.

He’s set up the table nicely, two candles at each end. There’s a bottle of wine – that he won’t be drinking, of course- and flowers at the center, red roses. He’s also turned the couch to face his piano in the corner of the living room. He placed new music sheets on the instrument and can’t wait to reveal one of the many surpprises he has for Harry.

 

He dressed up in his white shirt with a thin black line at the top of the collar, black pants and black dressing shoes. He’s styled his hair in a neat quiff and shaved. He looks ten years older but he sort of likes this look and he thinks Harry might like it as well.

 

He’s walking around the entire appartment waiting for Harry, wondering if the boy‘s changed his mind. Just when Louis begins to bite his lips, he hears a knock on the door.

 

‘Hello.’ Louis says with a shy smile. ‘Come in.’

 

Harry looks relaxed and ready to hear whatever Louis has to say. He’s wearing a black button up with his usual jeans and boots. He let his hair wildly cover his face. It grew so much Louis wants to play with the curls already. But he knows he has things to deal with before.

 

‘I made dinner.’ He says when he closes the door.

 

‘You what ?’

 

‘Oh don’t act so surprised Harold, I’m getting offended !’ He jokes and Harry begins to chuckle but stops when he catches himself.

 

‘What is it ?’

 

‘It’s chicken.’ Louis begins to make weird gestures.’Stuffed with mozzarella.’ He continues, wrapping his hands around the fictional chicken. ‘Wrapped in Parma ham, with homemade mashed potatoes as a side.’ When he’s done mimicking his meal Harry is biting his bottom lip, holding back a grin.

 

They sat at the table and Louis watches his boy’s reaction at the sight of the candles, the roses and just the set table in general.

 

‘Wow.’

 

Louis smiles and goes to the kitchen to bring their plate.

 

‘It’s really good Lou.’ Harry moans when he takes the first bite.

 

 

‘Thanks. I’m amazed myself.’

 

They talk about assignments and their friends, catching up casually on things. It’s been two weeks since they last talked to each other after all. Harry tells him about not dating Kendall anymore, passing all of his exams and writting songs while Louis tells him about his stay at Heritage Oaks.

 

‘What is it exactly ?’

 

‘It’s a psychiatric hospital. I admitted myself last week as an outpatient but they kept me on hold for three days before letting me out again. It wasn’t as scary as one might think, I worked on things, Harry. I worked on myself.’

 

‘What did you do there ? And why did you go ?’

 

‘After what I did, I knew I had to change things or else I wouldn’t go on for long.’ Louis looks down.

 

‘Did you think about ending things Lou ?’

 

‘Yes.’ Louis hesistates but finally says.

 

‘What made you keep going ? ‘

 

‘You.’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘I was crying so much and hurting so bad and thought about it for a split second. But then I closed my eyes and saw you. I knew that if you loved me, there was something to be loved, maybe I just couldn’t see it ? That’s when I seeked help.’

 

‘I’m…I-‘

 

‘No, hear me out. I love you Harry. I always have. I wasn’t myself the night with Travis even though I don’t think it’s an excuse. I tried pushing you away and even pushing myself away from you but I still felt empty and alone. And then I remembered what you said to me. _Please take care of yourself_.’

 

Harry is taking every word in, not moving to not lose track. He leans in to focus even more, putting his face in his hands, elbows on the table.

 

‘I knew I needed help. So I went and it made me realize a lot about myself…and us.’

 

‘Us ?’

 

‘Yes. If you still want me, I want to treat you like you deserve to be treated Harry, I just needed to know how to treat myself first. I’m still working on it, but I’m so much better than a few days ago. I know I can do this. If you just let me-’

 

‘Of course I still want you Lou. I love you.’

 

Harry gets up and moves Louis’ chair to face him better.  He takes his head in his hands and brushes his lips against the older man’s, letting enough gap between their lips for Louis to whisper.

 

‘I love you too.’

 

Harry then closes the gap between them, pressing his lips slowly against Louis’ mouth, sucking his bottom lip gently as he cups his cheeks. When Louis stands up, Harry moves his hands to his lower back, then lower to grab his bum and groans in Louis' neck.

 

‘I had missed your bum Lou.’ Louis grins and giggles behind his hand before kissing Harry’s neck, licking and sucking at the skin.

 

‘And I had missed your neck.’

 

They move closer to each other, making up for the lack of touch of the past two weeks. They attack their tongue, unable to contain themselves. They unbutton each other’s shirts at the same time and undo their belt the same way, slowly and in sync. They want this to be better than ever before, further than ever before. They want to feel each other in every way possible, and never let go.

 

Harry guides Louis to his room but when he brings his boy’s hand to his crotch, he understands how eager Louis already is. They move to the couch behind them and find themselves on the floor seconds later. Louis is on top of Harry, straddling his lap and biting his neck. He pulls the boy’s boxers off and take his hardness in hand.

 

‘Wait.’ He suddenly breathes.

 

‘What ? Oh no, not now !’

 

‘I’m just taking a condom and some lube Haz.’

 

‘Oh. Go on then.’ Harry says with a dopey smile and then makes his frog face that Louis finds so cute.

 

When Louis comes back, he takes off his own boxers, revealing his hard, red cock, and lays back on Harry. He takes the lube and covers two fingers as he rubs Harry’s length with his other hand. When he brings them to his hole, he can hear the boy panting and already begging for relief. He puts them in, slowly moving them inside to reach the boy’s soft spot. When Harry thrusts, Louis knows he’s touched it. Harry’s not saying anything, just groaning uncontrollably, grabbing his hair and tugging hard.

 

‘More, more ! I want to feel more of you.’ Harry moans and Louis smiles at the sound, licking the pre come off of Harry's head before kneeling in front of him, parting his thighs doing so. He puts on the condom and brushes his head against Harry’s hole before burrying himself inside of the boy.

 

‘Fuck.’ Harry cries.

 

Louis starts moving after a while, going in and out, in and out, at a steady pace at first,  going faster and hitting the spot harder afterwards.

 

‘Ah… Fuck…Yes, do that again !’ Harry is a mess, panting and thrusting his hips, taking his cock in his hands to create some kind of release before Louis stops him.

 

‘No. None of that. You're so tight babe.’ Louis commands. ‘Come for me, untouched.’

 

‘I’m so close.’

 

‘Me too, Haz. Fuck.’ Louis screams, already feeling his legs giving in as he thrusts a few more times before filling the condom and slipping out of Harry as  he moans his boy's name. When he looks up, the boy is still on edge and crying. Louis takes his cock in his hand and leans down to put him in his mouth, sucking at a fast pace to free him. Harry comes at the sight of Louis sucking him off. The man swallows and licks Harry’s chest, trying not to let any drop of the mess aside.

 

‘You taste so good.’ And that’s when Louis sees him. His boy, laying on his floor, sweating, curls stuck on his face, half covered in Louis’ come, not even able to breathe properly or open his eyes. ‘You’re a mess Harry.’

 

‘ That’s what you’ve done to me, baby.’

 

They lay on the floor for hours, enjoying each other’s touch, caressing each other’s hands, arms, chest, breahting in their presence and closeness. They’re home again. An it feels magical.

 

‘I still have a little something for you.’ Louis says as he kisses Harry’s chest.

 

‘What is it ?’

 

‘Well, you wrote me a song once so I thought I’d do a little something in return ? It’s on the piano though.’

 

‘Okay, let’s get up then I wanna hear it !’

 

Louis begins playing the piano, immediatly starting to sing.

 

*

**_My hands, your hands,_ **

**_Tied up like two ships._ **

****

**_Drifting, weightless._ **

**_Waves try to break it._ **

**_I'd do anything to save it._ **

**_Why is it so hard to say it?_ **

****

**_My heart, your heart_ **

**_Sit tight like book ends._ **

****

**_Pages between us, written with no end._ **

**_So many words we're not saying._ **

**_Don't wanna wait 'til it's gone._ **

**_You make me strong._ **

****

**_I'm sorry if I say, "I need you."_ **

**_But I don't care, I'm not scared of love._ **

**_'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker._ **

**_Is that so wrong?_ **

**_Is it so wrong_ **

**_That you make me strong?_ **

****

**_Think of how much love that's been wasted._ **

****

**_People always trying to escape it._ **

**_Move on to stop their heart breaking._ **

**_But there's nothing I'm running from._ **

**_You make me strong._ **

****

**_I'm sorry if I say, "I need you."_ **

**_But I don't care, I'm not scared of love._ **

**_'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker._ **

**_Is that so wrong?_ **

**_Is it so wrong?_ **

****

**_So, baby, hold on to my heart._ **

**_Need you to keep me from falling apart._ **

**_I'll always hold on._ **

**_'Cause you make me strong._ **

****

**_I'm sorry if I say, "I need you."_ **

**_But I don't care, I'm not scared of love._ **

**_'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker._ **

**_Is that so wrong?_ **

**_Is it so wrong?_**

**_That you make me strong_ **

 

*

 

‘Wow.’

 

Louis just smiles fondly, crinkles forming and he can see Harry staring in awe again.

 

' I love you Lou.' Harry giggles.

 

'You already said that.'

 

'And I will say it again.' Harry states and brings a hand to one of Louis' cheeks. ' So what is this ? Us ?'

 

‘Well, I guess that…it is what it is.’

 


	14. Bullshit

‘Harry, if you two don’t shut up I’m gonna have to move out. This appartment has paper walls!’ Niall shouts on the other side of the wall and his roommate giggles in Louis’ mouth. They ignore Niall’s comment until the latter decides to punch the wall to make them stop.

 

 ‘Oh for god’s sake Niall !’ Louis yells and goes back to whispering dirty nothings in his boy’s ear.

 

‘I feel like I know way too much about gay sex, I never want to hear about rimming ever again.’ Niall says at dinner. They’ve spent the entire week at Harry’s and his roommate is starting to consider setting up a soundproof wall in his room. They’ve been making out on the couch, fucking everywhere, being way too loud for Niall’s comfort. He can’t take it anymore, he feels like he’s going to vomit this love in his air. He’s choking on it.

 

 ‘Hey, don’t knock it ‘till you try it !’ Harry frowns and pats his friend’s thigh under the table.

 

He’s never been this happy. Louis can’t stop laughing and giggling all day, his eyes are mere lines on his face, hidden by his crinkles. He’s been louder than ever before – Harry didn’t even know it was even possible – and he’s been opening up more and more everyday. They spend half their day staring at each other, taking in how perfect it feels. They don’t even have to talk, just a touch and they know what the other one is thinking. They finish each other’s sentences – which makes Niall groan everytime and roll his eyes – and let themselves enjoy every second of it. They’re in love and they’re making the most of it.

 

‘I love you.’ Louis breathes on Harry’s chest, still panting.

 

‘I love you too Lou.’ Harry smiles, lips brushing his lover’s hair.

 

‘Before I forget, my mom’s coming this weekend. I told her about you and she’s excited to meet you.’

 

 

‘She sounds amazing when you talk about her, I hope she’ll like me ! Did you tell her that I’m your student ?’

 

‘Yes, I told her I was in love with one of my students and was planning on moving in with the dean.’ Louis frowns, pulling his sarcastic face.

 

‘You could tell her, maybe she won’t be mad, she seems lovely and really supportive.’

 

‘She is but she wouldn’t like it so much if it meant risking losing my job. I don’t want her to worry about it.’

 

‘I could tell her I’m graduating this year so it won’t be for long ?’

‘You’re graduating in six months Harry. A lot can happen in six months, look what happened in two weeks !’

 

‘Fine. I’ll tell her I’m a musician working on your play then.’

 

‘What ? Why ?’

 

‘Louis, I’ve learned a few things about drama. I can pretend. I have the best teacher.’

 

‘Do you now ?’ Louis smirks and brings Harry closer, sliding on top of him to thank his boy for the compliment by making him cry of pleasure. Just one more time.

 

*

 

Harry has four classes today. He whines at the idea of being away from Louis for so long. His professor also has a busy schedule today so they won’t be able to see each other. He pouts at the thought.

 

After his first two classes, he can’t take it anymore. He has to see him, talk to him, kiss him. He has to be with him, even for just a second. He takes his phone and hides it behind his laptop, trying to not be too obvious in the third row of his International Law class.

 

* **_Hazza_** _– I miss you. Wanna meet up behind the labs ?_ *

 

They’ve been making out behind the Science department ever since they found out nobody went there because of rumored rats. The place is not dirty at all though and doesn’t give refuge to any sort of rodent. They ended up meeting there once a day, then more than four times just for a few seconds sometimes, for a mere peck on the lips and whispered I love yous.

 

* **_Lou_** _– In thirty minutes ? *_

_* **Hazza** – It’s a date ! xx *_

 

‘Texting in class now are we ?’ A feminine voice breaks his inappropriate thoughts.

 

‘Creeping much ?’ He frowns at his classmate. She’s the dean’s daughter, Paige. Her long blond hair is tucked in a messy yet indredibly well styled bun. She’s tall and thin and has a deep broken voice that makes her sound laid back and not at all pretentious. She’d been hitting on Harry from day one. She would always make innuendos in his company and sit next to him to chat about herself or get to know him. It’d been a while since she tried harder to get Harry’s attention, in vain. But he didn’t mind her at all, she wasn’t rude or anything and helped him several times with missed lectures.

 

‘Maybe. So, are we going out tonight or what ?’ She’s throwing herself at Harry on a daily basis so it’s normal for him to keep giggling.

 

‘You never give up do you ?’ He grins.

 

‘Nope. Never. So ? Wanna come over to my house after class ?’ She insists with lust in her eyes. She’s not worried about her reputation. She’s always proning the ‘ _freedom of the independent women’_ and calls herself ‘free’ and ‘alive’ for going out so much and hooking up with random guys. That said, Harry thinks she’s a bit too in his face and won’t be able to put up with that for long.

 

‘I can’t.’ Harry says politely.

 

‘Why ? Got a girlfriend ?’ She sings like a five year old and Harry rolls his eyes.

 

‘No.’ He sighs.

 

‘Perfect. See you at eight tonight at mine then ?’

 

‘No fucking way. Paige, I already told you. I can’t. I’m not coming over tonight, or tomorrow night or ever. I’m not into you.’ He finally snaps, on edge after the stress of not being able to say the truth. He regrets being this rude and straight forward when her smile disappears and she leaves the room in fury when the class ends. He didn’t mean to be this harsh but the girl couldn’t take a hint.

 

He walks toward the Science department and hides at their usual spot. Louis joins him wihtin seconds and grabs his boy by the neck. They come closer in a sloppy kiss, eager and knowing they don’t have long before they have to part. They stop when they think they’re hearing footsteps but get back at it as soon as they hear another noise coming from the lab. It must be a class starting in the room behind them. They quickly move from their spot to another farther and tangle their tongue before hugging tight and whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ear.

 

‘I’m going to the tattoo parlor after class. It’s quite addictive.’ Louis breathes.

 

‘What are you getting ?’

 

‘Just doodles I like. By the way, remember what we talked about the other day ? About getting other matching tattoos before the ship and compass ?’

 

‘Yeah ?’

 

‘Well, I wanna get one. I’m not sure what yet though. Any ideas ?’

 

‘I was actually thinking about the same thing. Maybe we could get like two halves of a heart ?’

 

‘I don’t know, I like it when it’s just something you and I know about.’

 

‘Mmmh what about words we always tell each other ?’

 

‘Harold, I’m not getting ‘ _I love your bum’_ tattooed on my skin.’ Harry lets out a loud cackle and covers his face with Louis’ hands he was holding. ‘Oh remember that movie about people getting the first words their soulmate would tell them inked on their arms and spend their life looking for them ?’

 

‘Oh yeah ! We should get our first words tattooed on each other that’d be sick !’ Harry grins.

 

‘Do you remember what was the first word I told you though?’ Louis asks, waiting with angst.

 

‘Hi. You ?’ Harry smiles and waits for Louis to say his part.

 

‘Well, you spilt my tea and whispered ‘oops.’ So I guess I’m getting ‘oops’ tattooed.’ Louis smiles and they go their seperate ways once they’ve kissed one last time.

 

*

‘Louis !’

 

‘Hi mum !’ Louis’ mom pulls him in a tight hug before bending her head to the side.

 

‘And you must be Harry ! I’m so happy to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you, Louis can’t spend-‘ His mom starts but Louis gives her a look she immediatly gets and she changes her sentence. ‘I’m Johannah.’ She smiles. Harry already likes her.

 

‘I am, Ma’am, it’s really nice to meet you too.’ He says politely and stands with his hands behind his back, rocking himself on his feet with a dopey smile.

 

‘You’re very polite son !’ she says to Harry when he takes her hand to guide her inside Louis’ appartment. ‘How come ? People your age barely apologize when they step on my feet !’

 

‘It’s my mom, I guess’ Harry mumbles and smiles thinking about her. ‘You too would love each other.’

 

‘Well, I hope I’ll meet her soon then !’

 

They spend the day chatting about their favorite thing – Louis – and reminisce. She talks a lot which helps them not giving away any clues on their current relationship, so they relax and enjoy her company and Sunday roast she wanted to make, especially at Louis’ demand.

 

*

 

The next day, going to class feels different. It’s not because of the bandage Harry had to wrap his arm in after getting the tattoo, it’s not the void caused by not seeing Louis in the last twelve hours, it’s not the wind blowing his half buttoned see through shirt. It’s something else. When he turns around, that’s when he notices. Everyone is staring. He checks his clothes, his hair, his teeth. Nothing’s unsual. He frowns at the sight of the dozens of students and teachers staring at him and whispering with each other. What is wrong with them ?

 

When he sits down to attend his Human Rights lecture, he can hear them giggle and gasp around him and try to convince himself that it’s not because of him.

 

The whole day is just a series of shocked faces in his direction and his classmates sitting farther from him than usual. He’s starting to panic. What is wrong with these people ? He can’t help thinking it’s about his shirt. He knew wearing a black see through shirt was daring, only buttoned half way was a statement. Maybe they don’t appreciate his pecs enough, he thinks and rolls his eyes. He loves that shirt and showing off the swallows tattooed on his chest. He’s had them for a few days and Louis still hasn’t noticed that the birds have eyebrows. He’s just waiting for him to mention it someday.

 

He stops staring at his shirt when a serious voice calls him to the desk. He gets up to reach his teacher before the class starts.

 

‘Mr Styles, I have been notified to let you miss this class. You have to go to the dean’s office right now.’

 

‘Oh, okay. Do you know why ?’

 

‘I do not Mr Styles. I’ll see you at the next class on Friday.’

 

‘Thank you.’

 

Harry walks out, whispers strengthening in a loud echo behind him. When he enters the building, several staff members are gathered in front of the office and step back when Harry walks to the door. What is happening.

 

When he comes in the waiting room, he sees Louis. This can’t be good.

 

 _‘What are you doing here ?’_ He mouths. Louis shrugs and looks like he’s freaking out as well.

 

‘Mr Tomlinson, Mr Styles, come in.’ The dean invites them with a polite smile, holding his door. ‘Please, have a seat.’ He gestures and goes to sit behind his large wooden desk. He looks really intimidating in this room.

 

‘Is there a problem Mr Cowell ?’ Louis asks first.

 

‘Well, there is actually.’ He begins and is interrupted by someone opening the door. ‘Ah, right on time. Mr Tomlinson, Mr Styles, let me introduce you to Mr Modest. He is reponsible for enforcing the University’s policy and in charge of making sure everyone respects it properly.’

 

The both of them eye each other briefly before looking at the man. He looks terrifying. He is tall and strong, frowning – but it looks like the actual place of his eyebrows to be fair – and it looks like it’s impossible to put a smile on his face.

 

‘ I have an issue that’s been addressed to me this morning. I will not reveal the identity of that person for a confidentiality matter but it is a trustworhty source and I had to see it for myself.’

 

‘What do you mean ?’ Louis tries as Harry stays silent, playing with his bottom lip.

 

‘I have been informed that you too might have a more…intimate…interaction than the usual professor/student relationship. I would like to remind the two of you of the University’s rules. It is strictly forbidden for students and staff members to be involved in a relationship that goes beyond the mere interaction expected between them within the lecture hours. Although the success of our students come first, we would be obligated to end the contract with the staff member and notify nearby insitutes of the issue.’

 

‘I don’t know where this information comes from Mr Modest but I can assure you that nothing of the sort is going on between Mr Styles and I. We happen to see each other for tutoring needs but other than that, it is strictly limited to the lectures.’ Louis explains, not looking at Harry for a second.

 

‘I wish I could be sure of that Mr Tomlinson.’ Louis is starting to get angry. He doesn’t want to lose his job. He loves it. He loves teaching. He loves being able to set up his own play, he loves the campus and spending so much time staring at Harry. He loves being close to him that way. He doesn’t want to lose this. Before he can control what he’s saying, he shouts at the men in front of him.

 

‘How’s this, me and Mr Styles being in a relationship is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard. I am in fact straight.’

 

‘I apologize Mr Tomlinson, I didn’t mean to offend you. Maybe there’s been some sort of mistake. However, we can’t let rumors like this go around the campus. We have to take measures.’

 

‘You’re deluded.’ Louis mumbles.

 

‘What kind of measures ?’ Harry finally says, so shyly they can barely hear him.

 

‘Well, we’ll have to transfer you to a different class first of all and end the tutoring.’ Mr Modest says and looks proud of himself.

 

‘But we’re in November, the semester’s almost over and we have a play at the end of the year.’

 

‘I’m sorry Mr Tomlinson but those are the rules. It’s either that or you get transfered to another University. We’re being very understanding. You can’t of course interact with each other on campus.’ Mr Cowell adds.

 

‘ I understand. We won’t.’ Louis agrees reluctantly and Harry stays still, surprised by Louis’ answers.

 

When they come out of the office, everyone’s still staring at them and Louis feels his past coming back. They’re judging him, for being gay, for loving a boy. He doesn’t even think much about the teacher/student issue, he knows what they’re thinking. People in small villages like that are often very conservative, especially in this kind of University. He wants to run home and runaway to another city. But he can’t. He’s come a long way since he moved here. He’s learned a lot and not running away from everything is something he promised himself not to do again. He’s not feeling guilty for being himself anymore.

 

‘Why did you say you were straight ?’ Harry asks at his appartment when they meet an hour after the interview with the dean. ‘You could have just denied being in a relationship wiith me, not being into men Lou’

 

‘I panicked okay ? I was going to lose my  job Haz, I love it too much. I couldn’t risk it.’

 

‘So you weren’t mad because of them thinking you’re gay ?’

 

‘Of course not, I was mad because it meant losing two of my favorite things. My job and you.'

 

'I already told you, I'm not going anywhere. I love this _bullshit_ '


	15. Don't Let Me Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I missed yesterday's update but here it is ! It's kind of a filling chapter but I tried my best with the cliffhanger !
> 
> Hope you're liking the story so far, great things are coming and I'll do a christmas special :)
> 
> Please don't forget to comment, I love seeing what you think and change the story according to your preferences !

‘Hey ! Harry Styles, right ?’

 

‘Um, yes, Nick Grimshaw, is it ?’

 

‘Yeah ! I was wondering if you could talk on this week’s show ? ‘

 

‘Why me ?’

 

‘Well, since the rumor, everyone knows you so I figured it’d attract more audience.’

 

‘So you’re using me to promote your radio ?’

 

‘Well, yes. There’ll be free food and you can choose four songs to play.’

 

‘Alright, I’ll think about it.’ Harry could never say no to free food and music.

 

‘Thanks Harry ! See you on Friday !’

 

Today’s been another day being the center of attention for Harry and Louis. Everyone genuinely think they’re in a relationship since someone spread the rumor, and they can’t stop staring at them as they walk through campus. They can’t secretly hold hands in the hallway anymore, they can’t look at each other, they can’t even acknowledge each ther’s existence. It looks like they hate each other from the outside. Although Harry likes the attention, he would have preferred being known for his jokes and kindness, not his sexuality. Louis takes it harder. He doesn’t like people asking about his personal life, let alone spying on him to find details about it. They manage to spend time together at each other’s appartment but find it complicated with all the classes, papers to grade or papers to do. They still don’t know who told on them but they’re sure the entire institute knows about it. Louis hasn’t had the chance to talk to Zayn and Liam about it though and feels guilty as they became his two best friends there.

 

‘So what’s up with you and the curly, huh ?’ Perrie asks at the table during lunch break and Louis wants her to choke on her pasta.

 

‘Well, apparently me and Harry Styles are in a relationship and my girlfriend isn’t real.’ He had to make up a girlfriend to avoid dealing with one side of the rumor : him being gay. He’s accepted who he is - or at least he’s working on it - but he finds it difficult to come out to everyone he knows. He’s been holding back since high school, only letting himself go at home and with Harry. He’s always watching his hands, his posture, always frowning when he catches someone look at him with a knowing look. He’s still uncomfortable with the idea of being judged for being into men and being more feminine than he wants to admit. Even though he knows it’s not a bad thing, he grew up believing it was so giving up on old habits is tricky.

 

‘You are though.’ Liam throws casually as if it was obvious.

 

‘Have you quite finished Liam ?’ Louis snaps and goes back to his burger. He suspects him to know as he became reallly close with Zayn. He wouldn’t mind him knowing but the man always find a way to remind everyone that he is straight and doesn’t do ‘gay stuff’, the first time is a statement, the fourteenth is an offense.

 

‘I mean, I saw him with girls a few times, I don’t think he’s gay.’ Perrie adds. Louis stares, fighting himself to not explain how sexuality and gender preferences work to the blond.

 

‘So are you guys excited for London ?’ Zayn jumps into the conversation and Louis thanks him with a half-smile.

 

‘I am ! I’m more excited about Topshop than the congress though.’ Perrie says and frowns at the thought of spending eight hours in a room listening to professionals promoting their job.

 

‘I don't think I’ll be coming anymore to be honest.’ Louis admits.

 

‘What ? Why ?’

 

‘I’m not sure spending two days in a hotel with students will help my case.’

 

‘That’s crazy. It’s so weird, why would they do that ?!’ Liam says, red. He’s been protective over Louis ever since he got to know him. He treats him like a brother and Louis knows he can always rely on him. ‘I’m telling you, if I find the dick who spread this rumor, I’m killing the jerk.’

 

When Perrie and the other colleagues go back to their schedule, Louis starts following them when Zayn grabs him.

 

‘We need to talk Louis.’ He says standing next to Liam with a concerned look.

 

‘We want to meet Harry. You’re our  friend and we wanna see if he’s enough for you to risk your job.’ Liam explains.

 

‘You don’t have to worry about him, he’s great. And I’m not losing my job.’ Louis tries to convince himself.

 

‘I’m sure he is but we still want to meet him. Could you guys come for dinner at my place tonight ?’ Liam asks and Louis doesn’t know what to say.

 

‘So that’s a yes.’ Zayn answers on his behalf and the three of them leave the cafeteria to lead their classes and safety reunion.

 

_* **Lou** – Don’t make any plans for tonight, we’re having dinner at Liam’s. *_

_* **Hazza** – What ?! He knows ? It’s gonna be too weird…_

_* **Lou** – I know but Zayn and him want to meet you. They’ll be cool I promise. *_

_* **Hazza** – Fine. But I’m staying at your place tonight. *_

_* **Lou** – If you must ;) x *_

 

Louis and Harry arrive at Liam’s appartment together and already regret agreeing to the dinner. Zayn and Liam keep being clumsy and ask the wrong things in the worst way. They’re like awkward parents trying to make their children understand that they support them no matter what by using juvenile metaphors and losing track of their point.

 

Other than the few inappropriate questions about their relationship however, the night is filled with laughter and KFC. Liam might be an incredible speaker and a dedicated fireman, his cooking skills are very limited.

 

‘So, what do you do when you’re not staring at Louis ?’ Zayn asks , it’s only been a few hours and he can barely keep him focused when Louis mumbles as everyone talks.

 

‘Well, I love music, I write poems and songs and my roommate is helping with some guitar lessons, I usually just sing though.’

 

‘That’s great ! I used to sing a lot. Funny story, Liam, Louis and I wanted to audition for X Factor four years ago, same year, how crazy is that ?’ Zayn chuckles and Harry coughs loudly.

 

‘Are you serious ? I wanted to audition too that year but was too young !’ The four of them stay silent, thinking about how their life could have turn out.

 

‘We should do a karaoke sometime ! I’ll bring Niall, my roommate, he’s a great singer and knows how to entertain.’ They start planning their next night out when Liam flees to the kitchen after hearing a loud noise. Zayn and Louis take the opportunity to get up to smoke on the balcony. When Liam still hasn’t return to the living room, Louis and Harry enter the kitchen to check if he’s okay. They find him laying on the floor under the sink.

‘Harry, are you good with your hands ?’ Liam asks in despair.

 

‘Really good.’ Louis says more to himself with a subjective look and a smirk.

 

‘I used to be really good at woodtech at school.’ He answers to Liam and then turns to Louis. ‘Thank you for that.’ 

 

‘I need to get-‘ Liam starts but seems to find whatever he was seeking under there. ‘Got it ! Soph' would have killed me if I lost her pendant.’

 

The rest of the evening goes with them having fun and completely forgetting about the situation as Harry turned out to be very charming and polite. Louis’s friends adopt him and already treat him like one of them and Louis couldn't be happier.

 

*

 

‘That was nice.’ Harry smiles in Louis’ ear when they’re sitting in the older man's car, stuck in traffic.

 

‘I know, right ? My best friends, my boyfriend and fried chicken. Happy days.’ Louis smiles back and brings Harry into a kiss by grabbing his neck. He deepens the kiss quickly, playing with his hair with one hand and stroking his boy’s crotch with the other. He can feel Harry getting hard under his touch within seconds.

 

‘You’re always so ready for me Haz.’ Louis whispers in Harry’s ear and the boy moans. Before Louis can attack Harry’s belt, the light goes green and he starts groaning at the cars behind them, honking. Harry giggles and unbuckles his belt with a smirk.

 

‘What are you-‘ Louis starts but is cut mid sentence as he watches Harry bend to undo his belt and free his already hard cock. ‘You better be ready to die Harold. I’m not driving like this.’ Louis warns and Harry just chuckles and takes Louis’ cock in his hand before licking the head.

 

‘I would literally suck you off to death.’ Harry giggles and waits for Louis to laugh back but all he gets his a frown and a hand pushing him back to his task.

 

‘Fuck.’ Louis chokes as Harry takes him in his mouth. All of him. He’s never been so glad that the boy doesn’t have a gag reflex because as soon as they reach a bump, Louis can feel Harry’s throat and the boy moans in response. Louis wants to thrust into his mouth so bad he’s whining when Harry detaches his lips to kiss Louis.

 

‘You taste so good Lou.’ Harry breathes before putting the man’s length back into his mouth, leaving a trace of saliva along his shaft.

 

‘Fuck. I can’t keep my eyes open. We’re gonna die !’ Louis can’t stop screaming, feeling his legs shake and his stomach tighten. It feels so good. It feels too good to be true, and he’s enjoying every second of it.  He’s not stressing about whether Harry will leave him or not, he’s not worried about how bumpy is tummy is, he’s not thinking about anything but the pleasure of those plump lips sucking him.

‘Keep your eyes on the road !’ Harry screams back when he sees Louis staring at him. Louis tugs at Harry’s hair to warn him but the boy refuses to step back and swallows Louis’ come as he moans his boy’s name and pull over on the side of the road. When Harry straightens himself, he’s smirking, proud of what he’s done. The mere sight of Louis coming undone while driving would keep him satisfied for days.

 

They stay parked in a random parking lot, kissing and getting themselves off one more time before heading to Louis’ appartment. Harry kept complaining about his back when they tried getting in the backseat of the car, shouting ‘ _ouch_ ’ and ‘ _my back_ ’ loud enough for the entire village to hear.

 

‘Goodnight Lou. I love you’ Harry sighs before closing his eyes, holding the man he loves against his chest.

 

‘Goodnight Haz. I love you too.’

 

*

 

‘Today we welcome students to answer questions about college survival and making the right decisions.’ Scott, the co-host of the radio talk show, eyes Harry with a half-smile. ‘First, we’ve got Harry Styles, third year of Uni. We’ll get the questions in and answer as many as we can so come on and call HCU radio to learn a few things about surviving college.’

 

‘We’ve got a Samantha H., Samantha H. asks _what is the best way to study for exams_.’ Nick continues, reading his tablet. ‘Wanna answer that Harry ?’

 

‘Well, I think the best way is to study with other people as they might know things you don’t and point out msitakes or important details you’ve missed.’

 

‘Great answer !’ Nick smiles and Harry feels proud and excited, he’s always been a proper show off so talking on a live radio show is nothing unseasy for him. ‘Next we’ve got a Damian D. asking _how do you get teachers to like you._ Well that’s definitely a question for Harry…’ Nick smirks and Harry raises an eyebrow, pretending not to understand the aim of this tone.

 

‘Well…Um…You have to be nice, I think.’ Harry mumbles and Nick stares for seconds before getting back at the screen.

 

‘Alright, um, Josie C. asks : _what traits do you look for in a lady_ _Harry ?_  Oh, that one’s not college related, keep it focused people ! Harry, wanna answer that one ?’ Scott says and Harry feels irritated already.

 

‘I’ll answer.’

 

‘Female would be a good trait.’ The co-host throws and chuckles. Harry pouts and shakes his head in disagreement.

 

‘Not that important.’ He sighs. 

 

‘Oh okay then, back to the college survival questions please.’ Nick interjects, feeling the tension in the room changing. ‘We’ve got Ellie A. asking How do you prepare for an exam without panicking ?’

 

'I think, not taking it too seriously helps. You have to remind yourself that it's not a matter of life and death, you will survive if you don't get straight A's but you won't if you lack sleep.'

 

‘One last question from David S. who asks: _did Mr Tomlinson break your back? '_  Nick’s eyes widen and he clears his throat. He quickly tries to save the mess made though. ‘ And that was the most useless question ever, thank you David. Now we’ll let Harry choose a song to play for you so enjoy and don’t make bad decisions kids.’ He pushes the off air button and gets rid of his headphones before standing up to check on Harry.

 

‘I’m sorry Harry, I didn’t know people would prank call.’ Nick says.

 

‘It’s alright, makes it more interesting I guess.’ Harry frowns.

 

‘I’m sorry. Won’t happen again !’

 

‘No it won’t.’ Harry slams the door and jogs to his car.

 

On his way to the parking lot, he runs into several people, whispering and gasping in a disturbing echo around him. _Not again_. This David S. made it even worse. How could he know ? Was he on the parking lot ? How much did he see ? What if they tell ?

 

‘I can’t find my fucking headband !’ Louis whines, opening every single drawer in his appartment.

 

‘I have one !’ Harry hurries to give the man his.

 

‘Thanks love.’

 

‘Lou, we need to talk.’

 

‘What about ?’

 

‘About this David S. that saw us. What if he goes to HCU and tell the dean or Mr Modest ?’

 

‘Trust me Harry, they care more about the reputation of the school than us, they’ll shut him down and we’ll never hear about that guy again. I’ve witnessed how they handle bad publicity. Trust me, no one will find out about us.’

 

‘But you could lose your job Lou.’

 

‘They won’t fire me, I’m their only good drama teacher and I worked hard on a play thirty students are involved with. I’m not getting fired Haz.’

 

‘Okay, fine. But if something happens-‘

 

‘Nothing will happen Harry. Now come here so I can braid your hair.’

 

‘Really ?!’

 

‘You’ve been begging all day, I might be stuborn but I’m not deaf.’ Louis knows how to braid hair, with four sisters to grow up with. Harry gets off the couch to sit between Louis’ legs on the floor. He leans in the man’s chest and plent a kiss on his cheek before straightening up. They're both half naked and the boy can feel Louis' cock harden behind him.

 

‘ So, how do I look ?’ Harry says with a bright smile and shiny eyes, already playing with the two braids Louis did.

 

‘Pretty. My pretty boy.’ Louis smiles and starts kissing Harry’s neck when his phone rings.

 

‘Louis Tomlinson.’ He answers. ‘I can’t. I-No. Please I-Fair enough. Goodbye.’ He hangs up after only a few minutes of conversation. ‘I’m fired.’

 

‘What ?! But you said-‘ Harry begins.

 

‘I know what I said !’ Louis shouts, he sounds mad and too angry to be nice to Harry who sits in silence, surprised by the sudden outburst of rage.

 

‘Are you mad at me ?’ Harry pouts.

 

‘Of course not. This is my fault.’

 

‘What are we gonna do ?’

 

‘You don't do anything.My old university offered to find me a job if I ever wanted to come back. I don’t think I have another choice, the dean warned me that he would tell the nearest schools about it.’

 

‘Where does that leave us ?’

 

‘I don’t know Harry... I don’t know.’

 

_Please don’t let me go._

 


	16. Nothing Can Come Between You and I

It’s four in the morning when Louis wakes up shaking. He hadn’t had the feeling in so long it feels foreign and brutal. He can’t speak, can’t breathe, can’t move. When he starts to feel cold, he knows what’s happening. He begins to wonder whether the scene in front of him is real or if he’s just dreaming. Has he really lost his job or was it a nightmare ? The sweat brushing against the blankets makes it even worse. He’s trapped and there’s no way out. Harry wakes up to the sound of Louis crying and screaming uncontrollably.

 

‘Lou ! Lou ! It’s okay, I’m here !’ He tries. Louis calms down by Harry’s words and slowly comes back to reality.

 

‘Haz, that was awful. It's rarely been this intense. I’m sorry to wake you up.’ Louis apologizes, cheeks warm and red, covered in tears.

 

‘It’s okay Lou, come here.’ Harry pulls him into a tight hug and bring him back down on the mattress, allowing him to lay on his chest. ‘Was that about your job ?’

 

‘No. It’s about leaving you.’ Louis sighs and falls back asleep before he can hear Harry whisper.

 

‘Don’t leave me Lou.’

 

They’ve been avoiding the subject for days. Louis keeps telling Harry that he will leave for London but it’s been two weeks and he’s still in Holmes Chapel, incapable of moving out. Harry can no longer attend every classes, he’d rather spend time with Louis, not knowing how long it’ll be until they see each other. He hasn’t even been able to focus lately. Why would he analyse John Locke’s social contract when the man he loves may leave, even just hours away, and never come back. He doesn’t know what Louis will decide yet but it’s just a matter of time before he moves back to London and he knows it. He fears it.

 

His new drama teacher doesn’t make it any easier. First of all, he re took Louis’ play with his consent, as it was already scheduled as the end of the year's event. Louis would have preferred directing it himself but he couldn’t let his students down. This director his less creative and talented. It’s almost disturbing how much his ideas don’t make any sense. But he’s nice and a good teacher nevertheless so the boy can't really complain.

 

‘So, Harry you’re the lead which means that I’ll be seeing you every single day for the next three weeks. We have a big show to come up with so there’s no place for excuses.’ The director warns him.

 

‘I know Mr Winston. I’ll be there.’

 

‘No one misses rehearsals ! See you tomorrow for the first worst day of your life.’ He jokes but his voice his tented by seriousness.

 

* 

 

Harry had been planning on getting his ship tattoo done in the course of the week. He’s been trying to get it done sooner with Louis’ potential absence. When he comes home from the parlor, Niall rushes to greet him with a hug.

 

‘I’ve missed you.’ He sighs. Harry has been staying over at Louis' ever since he got fired. He figured he would make more sense to stay with him until he left.

 

‘I’ve missed you too Neil !’ Harry shouts in his roommate’s ear, making him step back and grunt in annoyance.

 

‘You’re such an idiot.’

 

As soon as Harry reaches his room, he feels his jeans buzz.

 

* _**Lou** – I need to talk to you. Call me asap_ x*

 

Harry dials his number and only waits a second before Louis anwsers.

 

‘Hiiii.’ He sings and Louis can ear his smile from his own appartment.

 

‘Hey love. Is it okay to talk to you right now ?’

 

‘Sure. Is something wrong ?’

 

‘I got the call from my old university. They have an open spot, one of their drama teachers needs a substitute. It’s not huge but it's something.’

 

‘That’s good, I guess. When does it start ?’ Harry tries to be supportive and not show his bitterness. Louis is always supportive of him no matter what, that's one of the things he admires so much about him.

 

‘Um…Next week.’ Louis hesitates and Harry can feel something growing inside of him, ready to explode.

 

‘Next week ?!’

 

‘Yeah. I know. But that’s the only good opportuniy I got. I have to go.’

 

‘I know.’

 

‘You could come with me though.’ Louis says before he can stop himself.

 

‘What ?’

 

‘You could go to my university and spend your second semester there. I’d show you the city, I know you’ll love it !’

 

‘Louis…’ Harry’s never left Holmes Chapel. He has a plan : go to Uni in HCU then California. There’s no moving to London involved.

 

‘I know, I know. I’m sorry. I had to suggest it at least.’ Louis sighs and Harry can feel the disappointment through his phone, breaking his heart just a little bit more.

 

‘I got the ship.’ Harry throws when a silence settles.

 

‘What ?’

 

‘The tattoo Lou. I got it done today.’

 

‘You didn’t wait for me ?’

 

‘I didn’t know when you were leaving. I belong wherever you are Lou, even if I’m not physically there.’

 

‘I love you.’

 

‘I love you too.’

 

*

 

The day of Louis’ departure comes faster than expected. He agreed to go out with Liam, Zayn, Perrie and Sophia to say goodbye. He’s already missing them and wishes he could go back to that parking lot and tell himself to keep driving. He wishes he could go back and tell Harry to meet him in a room instead of an open space between two walls. He whishes he could go back and prevent this from happening. He doesn’t want to leave. He doesnt want to leave him.

               

They’ve spent the last three days packing Louis’ stuff and making the most of their last days together. It seemed so unreal but now it’s actually happening and they just can’t let go. They stay parked in front of the train station, unable to get out of the car.

 

‘Promise me you won’t forget me.’ Harry says.

 

‘Harreh.’

 

‘No Lou. Promise me.’

 

‘I promise.’ Louis says, taking Harry’s hand into his one last time. When he looks down at their arm, the sight sends goosebumps to his skin. Their tattoos align. Harry’s ship tattoed on his upper arm and Louis' newly done compass on his forearm, Louis’ rope with Harry’s anchor, both inked on their wrist a few days ago. They’ve been getting matching tattoos for weeks but it’s never enough, there will never be enough proof of how much they mean to each other. Harry even got a butterfly on his chest , matching Louis’ ‘It Is What It is’ coming right on top of it as the tattoo parlor showed them.

 

They stay like this for a while, not wanting to part, not wanting to be more than a few inches away from each other. Louis tries to hold hi tears back until Harry give in and flood the man’s neck with warm drops. When they pull away, it feels like their heart is breaking in half. The pain is unbearable, the distance already installing between the two. Louis turns back one last time before getting in, disappearing from Harry's sight, leaving him with no air to breathe.

 

‘He’s gone Niall. He’s in London and I’m over here and I can’t take it.’ Harry cries, head buried in his pillow, not wanting to go out, to see anyone, to talk to anyone, anyone but him. He misses him like crazy and there’s nothing he can do about it.

 

‘I know mate. I know.’ Niall says patting his friend’s back.

 

‘I have rehearsals today but I can’t stop crying.’ Harry chuckles, trying to hide his pain.

 

‘Can’t you call sick ?’

 

‘No, the guy’s a dick. He would probably kick me out of the play.’

 

Harry gets up and slips into his pair of black skinny jeans and an American Apparel jumper, puts his pair of black Nike on and sniffles one last time before leaving his appartment.

 

When he arrives on set, he already regrets getting out of bed. Everyone’s moving around him but he feels frozen, like time has stopped, everything around him becoming blurry.

 

‘Harry ! You’re late. Come over here I need you to do the car scene.’ Mr Winston shouts from the stage and Harry joins him reluctantly.

 

The boy doesn’t even realize when the rehearsals’ ended. He sat on a stair and kept pretending to read his lines, repeating that he needs ‘just one more minute’ after two hours. The director noticed his lack of effort and waited for everyone to leave to talk with him about it. He takes a seat next to him, forcing the boy to face him.

 

‘What’s wrong Harry ?’ He asks and Harry contemplates being honest before choosing otherwise.

 

‘Nothing. I just…I’m not well.’

 

‘You look kind of down. I know I don’t seem like the chatty type but you can talk to me Harry. Don’t be afraid, I’ll help you in every way I can.’ The director says, looking straight in Harry’s eyes and patting his thigh. He doesn’t look intimidating anymore. He sounds sincere and Harry figures he does need to talk.

 

‘My boyfriend left to another city.’ He admits, suddenly aware of how much this information could get linked to Louis. ‘Paris. He moved to Paris.’ He adds, trying to be less obvious.

 

‘I’m sorry. Will you go visit him ?’

 

‘I hope so. I’ve never really been anywhere.’ 

 

‘Well, there’s a first time for everything.’

 

‘I guess. I just miss him so much.’

 

‘I can see that. You shouldn’t think about it too much though, or else it’ll kill you.’

 

‘My wife left when we were engaged to another city for only two weeks and I felt like my life had ended. Thinking about her every minute of every day didn’t make things any better and didn’t make her come back any sooner. If it’s meant to be, you will see him again.’

 

‘I hope so.’ Harry sighs and feels a hand on his neck.

 

‘You can come talk to me whenever you feel like it Harry. I’m a good listener.’ Mr Winston says and gives the student a half smile, rubbing his neck in an attempt to console him. ‘You do have to know though that distance relationship rarely work. At some point, the spaces get deeper and it’s harder to reach each other even if you try. Trust me, maybe you could try to get your attention on something or someone else.’ He adds and Harry turns his head to face him in surprise.

 

How could he even think about someone that’s not Louis ? He can’t even get out of bed in the morning if he doesn’t know if Louis’ safe. There’s not another face he wants to see, there’s not another laugh he wants to hear. There’s not another mouth he wants to kiss or another body to touch. There’s not another person on Earth who can replace Louis and there’ll never be.

 

‘I should go.’ Harry says, ignoring the teacher’s advice. ‘Goodbye Mr Winston.’

 

‘Goodbye Harry.’

 

Harry gets to his car and sits behind the steering wheel with the words in his head. What if Mr Winston was right ? What if Louis never comes back ? What if this doesn’t work ? Another sentence echoes in his head.

 

_The spaces between each other keep getting deeper._

He grabs his phone to check on Louis.

 

‘Hi Lou !’

 

‘Hello babe, how are you ?’

 

‘Awful. I miss you too much. You ?’

 

‘Same. I’ve been looking at the polaroids you took of us when I braided your hair and I started crying.’ Louis giggles to mask his obvious sadness.

 

‘Do you think the space between us will make this harder ?’ Harry asks and regret immediately when he doesn’t hear anything on the other line.

 

‘Haz. Nothing can come between you and I.’


	17. And Let Me Kiss You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ! Here's the last chapter before a couple of days without updates. I will post the Christmas special afterwards.
> 
> I hope the story's good so far for you :)
> 
> Please listen to Heartbeats by José Gonzales for the last scene !

It’s the second week of rehearsal and Harry already looks like he hasn’t slept in months. Adding this to the fact that he can’t be with Louis, and he can’t even hold a conversation with other people. He’s a mess.

 

They’ve been skyping everyday, crying over the phone, leaving just enough time for Louis to talk about his new job and Harry about the play and the new director. He’s been weirdly nice and protective over Harry, doing him favors such as letting him come later than everyone else or not scolding him for missed lines. He’s been a great listener as well, always knowing what to say to comfort his student. Harry’s been spending more time with his teacher than he wants to admit to Louis. Or himself. For some reason, he can’t help feeling guilty about liking the new teacher. It wa supposed to be Louis he rehearses for. It was supposed to be Louis guiding him on stage. It was supposed to be Louis keeping him after class just to chat.

 

‘Have you talked to your boyfriend today ? How is he doing ?’ Mr Winston asks after class. They’ve been meeting to make sure Harry has someone experienced with distance relationship to talk to. It doesn’t feel awkward. It feels nice and reassuring. It feels like he’s talking to a friend.

 

‘Yeah. He likes the job, he had missed the city and his friends and he can visit his family now. He says he misses me but he’s trying to act tough. Two crying babies on the phone is an awful sight.’ The teacher chuckles, making Harry smile. He loves making people laugh. ‘Mr Winston, can I ask you something ?’

 

‘Please, call me Ben. Mr Winston’s too formal to talk about relationships. You can ask me anything.’

 

‘Okay…Um…This is very embarassing and I shouldn’t ask you that and I’m sorry and feel awful and-‘

 

‘Go on Harry. You can tell me anything.’

 

‘Well, um, when he’s stressed or panicking, my boyfriend tends to stop acting like himself and starts doing things he’ll regret later on. Do you think I should be worried ?’ Harry asks, not wanting to say the actual words in his mind.

 

‘Are you afraid he’ll cheat on you ?’

 

‘No, no. I don’t think so. I just don’t want him to lose it.’

 

‘Harry, he’s a grown man. He can handle himself. You should try and stop worrying about it so much. As I said the other day, if it’s meant to be, it will be.’ Harry looks down at his lap, nipping at the skin on his fingers and pouting. He knows Louis would never cheat on him, not now. He knows the man loves him to death. But the thought crosses his mind one too many times for his own good.

 

‘Are you hungry ?’

 

‘Um…Yes, a little bit.’ Harry says when his stomach groans in an echo. ‘Very.’

 

‘Would it be okay to take you to eat something ?’ Why wouldn’t be okay ? He can go grab a bite with his teacher, why would this be a problem ? Harry wonders and nods, letting his stomach speak.

 

‘I know this great creperie down the road.’

 

‘I love crepes !’ Harry says, as excited as a child going out for ice cream, and follows his teacher to the sidewalk, the restaurant being less than ten minutes from the university.

 

The walk feels nice and casual, there’s no weird feeling of fear to be caught or uneasiness. It feels like Harry’s made a friend and he hadn’t in so long he thought he’d never get another insight than Niall’s. He loves his mate but there’s only so much you can talk about before three pints and between two games.

 

‘Mmmh’ Harry moans when he takes the first bite of his Nutella crepe.

 

‘See ? Told you !’

 

‘I’m gonna come here everyday.’ Harry whispers, eyes closed and hands covered in chocolate.

 

‘We could come here after rehearsals if you want.’

 

‘Would that be okay ?’ He asks more to himself.

 

‘Of course.’

 

They head back to their respective car after a couple of hours, chatting and laughing. Harry hadn’t laughed since Louis’ departure and didn’t even think he’d want to again. But here he is, enjoying his evening with the new drama teacher. When he gets to his car, Ben opens the door for him and leans to whisper in his face. It feels intimate but far from uncomfortable so Harry doesn’t move away.

 

‘That was nice. I see you tomorrow, yeah ?’

 

‘Yeah. Bye Ben !’

 

‘Goodbye Harry.’ The man smiles ands steps back, letting his student leave the parking lot.

 

As he’s driving, Harry can’t stop thinking about Louis, as usual, but this time he thinks about the anxious side of his boyfriend. What if he had panick attacks over there and did something stupid ? He knows he can be by himself, he’s twenty three years old and he’s survived without Harry for that long so he could manage a few months without seeing him, but still. Harry’s worried about something that he can’t explain.

 

* _**Lou** – Skype in 5 ?_ *

* _ **Hazza** – I’m turning my laptop on !_ *

 

The screen blinds Harry in his dark room when he opens his laptop. He’s exhausted but he can’t miss the chance to speak to Louis. When he finally sees him, he can’t stop smiling and can barely make up words. Seeing him, even through a dusty screen, sends something special through his body, a mixture between excitement and angst. He’s waited all day to speak with him, see him. It’s been almost three weeks and it feels like it’s been months since they last hugged each other, kissed each other, touched each other.

 

Harry’s been getting himself off in the morning, replaying the dreams he’s had about Louis. He’s been thinking about the man’s body more than he’s willing to tell and he can’t help picturing him in every place they had sex. He misses being the little spoon, he misses Louis’ arms around his neck to pull him closer into a kiss. He misses Louis’ hand in his hair as he sucks him off. He misses Louis’ body, every inch of it.

 

The boy is laying on his bed in his boxers, tucked under the covers, only showing his bare chest to the webcam. He can see Louis in his classroom, still grading some papers. He’s all dressed up in a navy blue suit with Harry's white button up. He even has a blue tie.

 

‘Why the suit ?’ He asks, scanning the man’s clothes.

 

‘I had an interview, I like it here but it’s temporary, I got a recommandation to enter another uni next month.’ Louis anwsers before noticing Harry biting his bottom lip. ‘Do you like it ?’

 

‘What ?’ Harry is brought back from his daydream.

 

‘The suit. Do you think I should wear it more often ?’

 

‘I do like it. A lot.’

 

‘How much ?’ Louis smirks, seeing the boy palm himself wihtout thinking.

 

‘Lou…’

 

‘How much ?’ Louis insists, making Harry groan. He knows how the boy likes to be under Louis’ influence, under his control. If there’s one thing Louis can control, it’s his power over Harry. He knows how he will react to his words and tone, he knows what to say, what to do. He knows how to make him do anything without begging.

 

When Harry starts to rub his hand harder over his boxers under the covers, moaning as he listens to Louis’ every word, the man can feel his pants tighten, questioning whether it was the best idea to start something when he’s still in his unlocked classroom with dozens of people walking past the door. He quickly forgets about it though as he begins to palm himself at the sight of his boy touching himself on the other side of the screen. He looks beautiful. His lips are as plump and pink as he left them, his curls are growing at an impressive pace, his pecs are shining with sweat and the sound of his moans could make him come untouched within seconds. He misses this. He misses him.

 

‘Let me see you. All of you.’ Louis whispers, trying not to be heard by his colleagues. Harry pushes the covers away and takes himself in his hand, freeing his cock in the right angle for Louis to see. ‘Fuck. I wish I was there to take care of _that_.’

 

‘Keep talking. I’m-‘ Harry mumbles as he slides his hand up and down his length, not breaking the gaze with Louis who’s licking his lips in an insane move, pinching his mouth.

 

‘Come for me babe. I’ll wear that suit when I’m home.’ And that’s all it takes for Harry to splash his stomach with come. _Home_. Louis didn’t say when I’m with you, he didn’t say when I’m in Holmes Chapel. He said when I’m _home_.

 

‘I love you Lou.’

 

‘I love you too babe. It’s driving me crazy not being able to touch you.’

 

They stare at each other a few more minutes, neither of them talking, or moving. Harry has cleaned himself and went back under the covers, laying on his side with the laptop in Louis’ spot in bed. He falls asleep with him grading papers and looking from time to time to take in the scene on the screen. His boy is sleeping like an angel. He misses the caresses in his hair, on his cheeks, stroking his lips, breathing the same thin air with their faces barely apart. He misses him.

 

*

 

‘Are you coming to London ?’ Harry had forgotten the congress in London. He didn’t want to attend it if Louis didn’t, but now that it’s the only chance he’s got to see him, he figured he might as well listen to a few lawyers and pretend he’s interested in what’s going on, before surprising Louis at his place. He’d asked Louis’ mother the adress and thought about every detail. He would go to the congress and then take the tube to Louis’ appartment, call him and ask him to come downstairs to check if he had received a package from him. They would attack each other’s lips and bums and would go for dinner in a nice restaurant Johannah advised and spend the night looking at the city on a bench. They would stay there for hours until sunrise, head resting on each other’s shoulders. He had a plan.

 

‘I am.’

 

‘Do you even know if Louis will be home ?’ Niall asks, more worried than irritated by his friend’s my-boyfriend-is-the-best-and-I-love-him mood.

 

‘Yes. His mom will make sure of that. I think she asked him to call her as soon as he gets there so she can warn me or something.’

 

‘I’m so excited and I’m not even in this relationship. You two are too cute.’

 

‘Thanks Niall.’ Harry smiles and hugs his roommate, leaivng a kiss on his cheek.

 

The trip is three days away and Harry couldn’t be more eager to see his man. He’s been trying so hard not to hint anything. He can’t lie to save his life.

 

Ben is also coming along which sounds like a good thing for Harry who could use a good talk before going to see Louis. Of course, he can’t tell him he’s seeing his boyfriend who’s supposed to be in Paris, but he can ask for help to avoid being clumsy and too obvious about his will to take Louis back to Holmes Chapel.

 

‘You’re in a good mood.’ Ben frowns, suspicious. ‘Did you see your boyfriend or something ?’

 

_No but I’m going to._

‘ I’ve never been to London so it’s quite exciting.’ Harry half lies.

 

‘Well, you’ll love it. I can take you somewhere the night we get there.’

 

‘Um…I’d love it but…Um…I have plans, with Niall.’

 

‘Oh come on, you hang out with the guy all the time, you live together. London is only for two days. Let me show you nice places, you’ll fall in love with the city.’ The man insists and Harry doesn’t know how to turn him down. He doesn’t really want to.

 

‘I can’t the first night but maybe the second ?’ He says without thinking. He wants to be with Louis the entire time but Ben’s been so nice to him and he also likes spending time with him. The fact that he’s his teacher and taking Louis' place in class doesn’t cross Harry’s mind as he agrees to go out with Ben to an art gallery. He could always spend the day with Louis and see him afterwards as well.

 

‘It’s a date.’ Ben whispers and Harry freezes at the word, before hearing a laugh, and relaxes.

 

The congress is about twenty minutes from Louis’. Harry can’t even sit still anymore. The whole day was him waiting for the end of it. He dodged the lawyers rambling about their cases and showing off. Going there is an eye opener. He doesn’t want this. Their ego make them irritating and narcissistic. They spend their day going through cases, defending culprits, swindlers, applying the law, not justice. It sickens him to hear them talk about how much money they make on innocent people, unnecessarily.  Maybe it’s not for him. Maybe being a lawyer is not what he needs, what he wants. The thought of building his whole life on a job that turns out to be the most obnoxious and dishonest one puts a frown on his face, keeping any potential employer away.

 

‘Hey, is everything alright there ?’ Ben asks, coming from the other side of the room to check on his student.

 

‘Yeah, I’m just not sure about anything right now.’

 

‘What do you mean ?’

 

‘They’re liars and make money for defending culprits. Their only goal is to win, not help people. I’m not sure that’s what I want anymore.’

 

‘And what do you want ?’

 

‘I want to help people somehow, defend them but not like this.’

 

‘Well, maybe you could look elsewhere ?’ Ben suggests and Harry looks up and raises a brow. He’s never thought about doing anything other than becoming a lawyer. Of course, he had other thoughts but being a photographer or a singer is nothing more than a dream, impossible in the real world.

 

‘I don’t know. I can’t change now. I’m so lost I thought that’s what I wanted.’ Harry sighs as Ben puts an arm around his waist and bends his head to whisper in his ear.

 

‘It’s never too late to change Harry. You’re young, you have your whole life to try things, make mistakes, change your mind. Don’t let yourself get trapped in something you don’t enjoy to the fullest.’ He says and Harry grins, his teacher always know what to say.

 

‘I guess.’ Harry mumbles and goes back to his seat.

 

At the end of the day, the boy rushes to take the tube, eager to surprise his boyfriend. He got a text from Johannah saying Louis would be home in half an hour so he thought he'd stop to buy flowers.

 

When he arrives in front of Louis’ building, he checks his clothes. He’s wearing his Yves Saint Laurent black pants – they look like leather pants so Harry thought he just needed them – with a white t shirt, his black coat and a pink beanie. He adjusts himself before calling Louis, letting a heavy sigh out to.

 

‘Hiiii.’

 

‘Hi love !’

 

‘Have you received anything ?’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘Have you got the package I sent you ?’

 

‘Um, no. Did you send me something babe ?’

 

‘Yeah. Please go downstairs to make sure, I wouldn’t want someone to steal it.’

 

‘Alright, hold on I’ll check.’ Louis says and Harry can hear footsteps in the background. He waits a few seconds before entering the building - Johannah had given him the code – and waits, hands shaking and head spinning with anticipation.

‘I don’t think I-‘ Louis starts as he comes downstairs. He stops at the sight of the beautiful boy carrying flowers and…Yorkshire tea ?

 

‘You fucking-‘ Louis starts shouting at Harry both on the phone and in person before hanging up, realizing how stupid he must look. ‘You fucking-‘ Louis is cut, again, by Harry pressing their lips together, grinning and breathing ‘hello’ and ‘sorry’.

 

‘I wanted to surprise you !’ By the look on Louis’ face, Harry got it perfectly. The man is almost crying, not letting go of his boy’s neck.

 

‘You fucking did. I thought my mom had lost it, wanting me to be home at eight sharp. I can’t believe I’m touching you right now. You’re an idiot.’ Louis rambles as he kisses Harry’s cheeks.

 

‘Aren’t you gonna make me visit ?’

 

‘Of course love.’

 

When they get to Louis’ door, they’re holding hands, not being able to stop smiling fondly at each other. After putting the flowers in a vase and the tea on the kitchen counter, Harry pulls Louis closer to him by his waist, nuzzling his head in the crook of the man’s neck. He’s missed him, so much. He walks him against the counter, kissing him slowly, tasting the man’s lips like the first time. He slides his hands down his bum and squeezes gently before lifting him to put him on the counter. He places himself between louis’ thighs, caressing them as he deepens the kiss. Louis brings his hands in his boy’s curls, tugging at it, making up for all those days he wishes he could.

 

They’ve missed each other so much it hurts. It hurts when Louis bites Harry’s neck. It hurts when Harry moans in Louis’ ear. It hurts when Louis takes his boy’s pants off, not without a dirty comment. It hurts when Louis kneels down in front of the boy, taking him entirely in his mouth, showing him just how much he’s missed him. It hurts when he thrusts into his throat and it hurts when Louis gets up with come on his face, tasting his baby for the first time in what seems like an eternity. They love each other so much it hurts and it’s the best kind of pain they’ve ever known.

 

‘I wanted to take you somewhere.’ Harry breaks the silence first. They’re cuddling on Louis’ couch, watching Love Actually, properly this time.

 

‘Where ?’ Louis looks up at Harry with crinkles forming by his eyes as he grins.

 

‘You’ll see.’

 

The whole night goes just as Harry had imagined it: with Louis.

 

‘I love you Harry.’ Louis breathes. They’re sitting on a bench in Trafalgar Square. They wanted to walk around Soho, maybe stop in a bar on their way, but they ended up just chatting in front of the cinema, not willing to be around anyone other than each other.

 

‘I love you too Lou.’

 

‘How was the congress ?’ Louis asks after a while.

 

‘Eye opening. I’m not sure about what I want anymore.’

 

‘What made you come to that realization ?’

 

‘I talked to lawyers and got a peek into their daily life. It’s not what I want Lou, I don’t want to be suicidal by the time I get into a good firm. I’m not  sure I’m willing to sacrifice my life for money.’

 

‘What do you like to do ?’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘What do you love Harry ? What do you like to do for free ?’

 

‘Um…singing, taking photographs I guess, writting.’

 

‘There you go. I’m pretty sure there are a few jobs that allows you to do that.’ Louis smiles at his boy, support reading through his eyes. ‘We could go see an exhibition tomorrow, I know a guy who works at the gallery down my street. He could tell you about photography and being an artist. He’s a great guy. He’s one of my childhood friends, Stan.’

 

‘That’d be great. Thanks Lou, I’m so confused about everything, ugh’

 

‘Everything ?’

 

‘Well, maybe not everything.’ Harry says as he leans down to kiss Louis.

 

The second day is as boring as the first one. Harry thanks God he came for Louis otherwise this would have been his worst London experience. Louis promised to show him around a bit and he can’t wait. At the end of the last speech, he texts him, excited.

 

* **_Haz_** _\- Last speech over. I’m dying. See you in 20 !_ *

 

‘Harry !’ Ben shouts on the sidewalk, trying to catch up with the boy. ‘Come here, I met someone you should talk to !’ He adds and Harry turns around, not moving, not knowing what to do, where to go.

 

‘I have to go Ben, can’t we meet tomorrow ?’

 

‘The guy is only here today. Come on, nothing’s more important than this Harry, he can answer the questions about your career.’ Harry can’t move. He’s stuck between the love of his life and his future. He’s been waiting for this moment for eight hours. He doesn’t want to wait any longer. However, knowing what to do with his future has always been his priority. He just doesn’t know what should come first, following Ben or meeting with Louis.

 

‘Alright, just give me a second.’ Harry finally agrees before walking up the stairs.

 

The encounter quickly turns into an interview and lasts way longer than expected. Harry stopped listening after the first five minutes. Louis’ waiting for him. He’s thirty minutes late and can’t text or call him to inform him, he’s going insane not being able to make the man stop talking. He’s a lawyer, but a nice one. He explained how you can influence politicians and change the Law through some of your actions, depending on how much you work and are recognized. That’s all he got before the man started talking about fees and power.

 

Harry had to meet Louis at eight, it’s now nine thirty and he feels awful. When he gets to his appartment, Louis doesn’t answer the door. Harry knocks a few more times before hearing a noise inside.

 

‘Lou ? Lou are you there ?’

 

Moments later, Louis opens the door. He looks like he ran, still sweating.

 

‘I’m so sorry babe Ben introduced me to a lawyer and I couldn’t just make him stop talking I’m so sorry I-‘ Harry stops when Louis kisses his cheek.

 

‘It’s okay love.’ Louis smiles, making all of Harry’s concern disappear. ‘But Stan had stuff to do so we’ll meet with him another time, or I’ll just give you his number. He’s a really nice lad, you’ll like him.’ Harry nods before looking over Louis’ shoulder to see the appartment. There are candles everywhere, his favorites are by the fireplace. The lights are off and Heartbeats by José Gonzalez is playing.

 

‘Wow.’ He gasps.

 

‘I wanted tonight to be special.’ Louis says with a soft grin. He has his Harry look, the one that makes you think Harry is the only person in the room, or the world.

 

‘Why ?’ Harry asks as Louis takes his hands to guide him to the couch.

 

‘There’s something I’ve been thinking about seriously since I left and I wanted to know what you think. I mentioned it once but now I’m asking.’

 

‘What is it ?’ Harry raises a brow with a dopey smile forming.

 

‘I want you to move in with me.’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘I found a great university with a partnership with UCLA. You could go there next year if you still want to but we’ll at least get to be together everyday for the next eight to nine months. I will show you around, we’ll meet artists, photographs and musicians, writers, we’ll go back to Holmes Chapel on the weekend if you want and we could buy you a nice proper camera or a guitar or a journal or-‘ Louis starts to speak faster than ever before, afraid Harry will run away before he can finish.

‘Lou…’

 

‘I know, I know but hear me out-‘

 

‘I’d love to.’

 

‘-You’ll love it here and we can even…What ?’

 

‘I said yes. I wanna move in with you. You’re home remember ?’

 

‘Harry…’

 

‘Shut up and let me kiss you.’

 

 


	18. And I'd marry you Harry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was supposed to only update in a few days with the Christmas special but I figured I should make one more chapter before, so there you go ! 
> 
> Please tell me what you think about where this is going ;)

‘Hazza, do you think we should get this ?’

 

‘Louis, we don’t need a lifesize Iron Man in our appartment.’

 

 _Our_ appartment.

 

‘I reckon we do.’

 

It’s December. The cold and rain have invaded the city and the fake elves are everywhere. It’s almost Christmas and Louis and Harry will spend it together. And they’re sure it’ll be the best Christmas ever.

 

Harry hasn’t moved in yet. He decided to finish the semester at HCU then come to London. He can’t believe he’s moving in with Louis. He loves the boy so much he would go to an unknown place to live for nine months. Sure, he’d have to do the same when he’ll be leaving for California, but this is scarier somehow. When he talked to his mom about it, she didn’t argue at all. She can hear how much Harry loves him by the way he talks, how excited he gets when he hears or say his name. She didn’t need more explanation from him to move in with his former teacher. The situation doesn’t bother her as much, given that Louis isn’t that older than her son. He makes him the happiest she’s ever seen him and that justifies almost anything.

 

He’s still rehearsing for the play coming in just four days. He’s been taking the train to London on the weekends, getting used to the hours spent doing his homework. He loves London. Louis didn’t lie, there’s so much to see, so many interesting people to meet, so much art and culture.

 

They decided to take their own appartment, moving out of Louis’ old one, and decorate it themselves. They would meet on the weekends when Harry’s there to buy the furniture and setting everything up for the end of the year. They’ve agreed on a bachelor pad, throwing a party has always been Louis’ specialty and he already planned to invite the kind of people Harry would love to meet. They spend their days in shops and their night strolling in the streets, imagining their own little world where Harry could do his dream job, Louis would see one of his plays interpreted by his students on a famous stage and they would meet each other at night in their couch, watching the telly as Harry falls asleep on Louis’ lap.

 

It’s all they’ve been able to think about : a life together.

 

‘What do you think I should get for your mom ?’

 

Johannah invited the two of them for Christmas in the family house, agreeing to spend New Year’s in Holmes Chapel at Anne’s, Harry’s mother. They’re already planning holidays together, maybe skiing in France, going through Italy on a vespa and the Leeds festival in Summer. It feels so easy, it’s almost like they’ve known each other their whole life. They’re opposite but they know exactly what the other one thinks and wants.

 

On Harry’s second weekend in London, they went to a tattoo parlor so Louis could get an arrow and Harry an anatomical heart. They’ve been talking non stop about all the matching tattoos possible.

 

‘I wanna get the mermaid and dagger one.’ Harry says as they walk through the aisles in Ikea.

 

‘Why those ?’

 

‘Because I’m a mermaid Louis.’ The man chuckles and rolls his eyes, not declining the suggestion anyway.

 

‘You’re as beautiful, yeah’

 

‘And I can lure you to do things too.’ Harry giggles.

 

‘Oh my God.’

 

When Harry goes back to Holmes Chapel that weekend, he misses Louis even more. He can’t think straight, can’t remember his lines, his mind is full of decoraiton ideas and he’s not even ashamed of how impatient he is for the mattress to get delivered.

 

‘Harry ! Are you with us ?’ Ben yells at his student for the third time in one hour.

 

‘Um, yeah, sorry.’

 

‘I need you to stay after rehearsal, you’re not ready yet.’

 

Harry knows staying longer on campus means less time spent on the phone or skype with Louis, but he can’t make the effort to focus on the play when he’s about to share his life with the one he loves. He’d give it up if it wasn’t for Ben. He feels bad for the guy, having to take over Louis’ work without knowing anything about it.

 

‘I’m sorry Ben, it’s hard to focus.’

 

‘Why ? What’s going on ?’ The teacher asks when it’s just the two of them.

 

‘I’m moving to L-Paris to live with my boyfriend.’

 

‘Wow. That’s a pretty big decision. Don’t jump too fast Harry, it never ends well to move in with someone being this young. You’ve only been together for a few months.’

 

‘But every minute spent without him is killing me.’

 

‘That’s what it does at first but then you find yourself getting angry over a sock left on the floor because you didn’t know that person well enough. Or you start feeling the same way toward someone else and you’re stuck if someone you don’t love anymore.’

 

‘First of all, we’re not getting married, we’re just moving in together, and I love him Ben. That’s all I need to make the decision.’

 

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply anything, I just want you to be careful.’ The teacher says, resting a hand on Harry’s shoulder and the other one on his thigh. ‘You wouldn’t want to regret not having fun and meeting other people.’

 

‘I don’t want anything or anyone other than him. What is it about him that you don’t like, you don’t even know him and you try to push me away from him.’ Harry snaps. Ben is acting weird and it’s getting annoying. Why would he try to break them apart any chances he gets ? At first it was rational and he sounded wise but now Harry’s skeptical about his intentions.

 

‘I’m sorry, I just…I feel like he doesn’t deserve you.’

 

 

When Harry doesn’t say anything he continues. ‘You’re so good to him even though he treated you like shit and left you here without blinking. And yet here you are planning on giving up on your future to go with him.’

 

Harry doesn’t know what to say. Ben caught him off guard and he can’t believe what he’s saying.

 

‘He does deserve me, if anything, I don’t deserve him. You know nothing about us, we have something special, we may be extremely different but we’re nothing without each other. I can’t let you talk about him like that. Especially since you don’t know him at all. He’s generous and kind and the nicest person I know and he’s funny and-’

 

‘But I do.’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘Come on, Paris ? You could have chosen another cover Harry. I saw you and Louis Tomlinson in London. I knew I had seen the guy somewhere and then it hit me. The rumor was true. I thought ‘Larry Stylinson’ was just a joke going around campus coming from people who have nothing better to do, but when I saw you two in Trafalgar Square I knew. The way you looked at each other, dossn’t require much to get it.’ Ben says as Harry frowns, feeling betrayed by someone who he thought was his friend. ‘You don’t deserve a man who would leave you like that and expect you to come running after him because he’s too weak on his own.’

 

‘Don’t you fucking go there ! I told you that because I trusted you !’

 

‘But you can. I didn’t say anything because I was hoping to change your mind. You’re young and so fucking beautiful Harry, you need a man, not this weak idiot.’ Before Harry can stop him, Ben pulls the boy’s neck closer and  presses his lips against his student’s. He tries to pull away but can’t find enough strength to push him. He groans and pushes his chest, in vain. Ben tries to part the boy’s lips but Harry bites his bottom lip hard enough to hurt him.

 

‘Fuck !’ Ben shouts, in pain. His lip is bleeding and when he turns to catch Harry, his face meets the boy’s knucles with a loud noise. ‘You’re not part of this play anymore.’ He grunts, laying on the floor, checking his bleeding nose.

 

‘Good.’

 

When Harry gets to his car, he’s crying and shaking. He leaves the parking lot before Ben can catch up and goes straight to the train station. The images keep replaying in his head. He’d never felt so trapped and unable to defend himself. He was so afraid. He doesn’t understand how he could have been so blind and naive. The guy was always touching him and whispering in his ears but Harry just thought he was extremely friendly.

 

When Louis hears a few knocks on his door he jumps from the couch. He fell asleep watching the sixth season One Tree Hill, tears still on his cheeks. It doesn’t matter if he knows what’s going to happen, if it involves Peyton and Luke, he will cry.

 

‘Harry ? What the fuck ?’ Louis says slowly as he scan his boyfriend from head to toe, shaking, crying, with the look of someone traumatized.

 

‘He lied Lou.’

 

‘What ? Who ?’

 

‘Ben. He was supposed to be my friend. He tried…He insulted you, I couldn’t stay still and just listen to that dickhead and now he might tell the dean and get me expelled or ruin my future.’

 

‘Did he do something to you ?!’ When Harry doesn’t say a word and looks down at his feet, the anger rises in Louis, knocking his fist on the wall. ‘The fucking twat, I’m killing him.’

 

‘No you’re not.’

 

‘What did you do ?’

 

‘I bit his lip and punched him in the face then ran away to the train station.’

 

‘His lip ? He fucking tried to kiss you ?!’ Louis is yelling now, face red. The thought of someone tasting those lips and attacking his boy like that without his consent builds the kind of rage he’d been careful not to trigger. ‘I’m killing him Harry. He’s fucking dead.’

 

‘Calm down Lou, you can’t kill him.’ Harry cries.

 

‘No but I can beat him up til he passes out.’ Louis screams, holding his head in his hands to stay calm. ‘He fucking touched you Haz.’ Louis finally approaches Harry and cups his cheeks, looking deeply in his eyes before whispering. ‘I’ll never let anyone touch you ever again.’

 

After a while, Harry falls asleep on the floor between Louis’ legs. Louis massaged his back to help his boy forget about everything.  About Him.

 

‘I thought he was my friend.’

 

‘I know love, not everyone is as kind and sincere as you unfortunately.’

 

‘But why ? Why would anyone pretend to be someone they’re not and use someone else ? Why take advantage of someone like that ?’

 

‘Because someone probably did the same thing to them or many people. You know, sometimes the meanest person was nice once, until someone else came along and destroyed that. Just because you were lucky that most people in your life treated you right, doesn’t mean it’s the case for everyone. It doesn’t justify their behaviour, but it means you can’t always expect the best from everyone.’

 

‘That’s sad. I wish everyone was kind to one another.’

 

‘I know. I do too. But people lie, cheat, steal and treat their equals as slaves, just to prove their superiority, because that’s what we’re taught.’

 

‘Louis, we were only talking about Ben being a dickhead.’

 

‘I know but before you arrived I was watching the newsbefore my One Tree Hill marathon and I’m sorry babe but that kid didn’t deserve to die, just because he was black and I’m still not over how they still try to mask the truth after all the protests and I can’t believe some countries still prevent couples from getting married, no one should be told that their love isn’t real. And I hate that people care treat queers as garbage who should be ashamed of who they are. I’m just sick of people taking advantage of the most vulnerable. I had to throw it out there.’

 

‘I love you.’ Harry just smiles, facing his boyfriend, his anti-racist, anti-homophobic and thoughtful boyfriend.

 

They decide to take a walk to clear Harry’s mind in Hyde Park, watching dogs with their tongue out, teenagers flirting and elders holding hands as they sit on a bench, reminiscing on their young days and smiling at children. The air is fresh and the sun is finally coming out as they stroll in the grass, hollding hands and giggling when one of them nudges the other one gently on the side.

They find a nice spot by the squarrels and high trees, where no one can break their bubble, a remote bench in the middle of the green landscape.

 

‘I talked to Stan, he said we can stop by his gallery in Soho tonight. He’ll show you a few things about photography.’

 

‘I can’t wait ! I’ve made a lot of progress.’ Harry says as he takes his camera hanging down his neck. ‘Look at me babe.’ And Louis does, pulling his joker face and giggling afterwards with his hand covering his laugh as he watches Harry’s annoyed frown.

 

They spend the rest of the day walking around London, going in and out hidden antique shops and caressing their fingers tangled together.

 

They stop for a while in Urban Outfitters on Oxford Street, looking for candles to put in their appartment, when a little girl tugs at Harry’s coat.

 

‘Hey, Sir, can you grab this for me please ?’ the sweet voice whispers, pointing at a hipster look alike teddy bear. She must be around five or six years old, a black brunette with green eyes, curly long hair tucked in a french braid. She’s wearing the cutest pink flower dress under her trench coat and Harry can’t stop smiling.

 

‘Of course, that one yeah ?’ Harry stretches his arm to grab the bear and makes a funny face at the girl after looking at it closely. ‘Are you sure about that one ? Not very charming, is he ?’ When Louis comes back from the vinyl section, he freezes at the sight. Harry with a child, chatting casually as the girl giggles loudly.

 

‘What’s going on here ?’ Louis smiles.

 

‘She wants that bear but he’s not cute enough.’

 

‘Harreh, let her have it. Now.’ Louis demands playfully, making the little girl laugh hysterically, closing her eyes and resting her hands on her stomach.

 

‘Alyssa ! Alyssa !’ A woman yells in the store. ‘Ah there you are ! Stop bothering those boys would you.’

 

‘She’s not bothering us at all ma’am don’t worry.’ Harry grins and places his hand on Louis’ lower back, pulling him closer to his side.

 

‘Oh you two are a cute couple.’ The woman sings and Harry and Louis feel the ruge to hug her.

 

‘Thank you ma’am ! You’re little girl is very cute as well.’ Harry says back.

 

‘Thank you. She seems to like you a lot. You two are really good with kids I can tell.’

 

‘Yeah, I love kids.’ Harry smirks.

 

‘Oh really ? Do you guys wanna be married and have kids ?’ She asks, not sure at what stage of the relationship the two men are, but risking it anyway. ‘Oh, I’m sorry I shouldn’t ask that, you just look like you’d be great with them.’

 

Before she can finish her sentence, the two speak over her voice, masking the rest of her apologie.

 

‘Yeah. I’ve always wanted kids’

 

‘100 % yeah.’

 

Harry and Louis anwser at the same time, looking at each other when they hear the other one’s answer, smiling fondly.

 

‘Even as young as you are ?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

They say again in unison and the woman can’t hide her grin as the two boys can’t stop looking at each other, telling words that don’t have to be spoken out loud.

 

When they get back to Louis’ appartment, they get a call from the realtor, booking an appointment to give them the final keys and papers. It’s happening. It’s actually happening.

 

‘Are sure you still wanna do this ?’ Louis asks as he takes Harry’s hands in his, looking up to face him properly.

 

‘I do. I’ve never been so sure in my entire life.’ And Louis gives Harry his kitten smile, nuzzling into his chest and pulling him in a tight hug.

 

‘About earlier…’ Louis begins as they’re lying in bed.

 

‘Yeah ?’

 

‘Did you mean it ?’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘Getting married and having children. Do you really want to someday ?’

 

‘Of course.’

 

‘You sound like you’ve been planning this since childhood.’ Louis smirks and Harry turns his whole body on his side to look at Louis, serious.

 

‘I may or may not have made the pledge to marry David Hasseloff when I was fifteen. I’d marry him, I think.’ Harry jokes and lays back down on his back. Louis stays on his elbow, still looking at his boy.

 

‘And I’d marry you Harry.’

 

 


	19. NIght Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was supposed to do a Christmas special but I actually finished the story ! 
> 
> I couldn't wait any longer so here it is !

The drive to Louis’ family house is about forty minutes and Harry can’t take the wait. It’s the first Christmas he won’t spend with his family, let alone with another one. He doesn’t know what to expect, whether Louis’ sisters will like him, if the twins will let him hold them. What if the stepdad is a douche ? So many racing thoughts that make him nervous before the gathering.

 

‘Calm down babe, they’ll love you.’ Louis can feel his boy’s stress and rests a hand on his  thigh to soothe him.

 

When they park in the driveway, Harry can feel his heart pounding in a deafening noise. He can’t say anything right now, he’s freaking out and he’s not sure why. Maybe because of what Louis said the other night ?

 

_And I’d marry you Harry._

 

Was Louis serious ? Did he really mean that ? Is he really going to meet his potential family in law ?

 

‘Ready ?’ Louis asks, looking carefuly at his boy.

 

‘Yeah.’

 

They get out of the car and get their bags in the trunk before ringing the bell, waiting on the doorstep and looking at each other, Louis reassuring Harry through his gaze.

 

‘Louis, Harry ! I’m so happy to see you ! Did you have a nice drive ? What is all of this ? Come in come in !’ Johnanah rushes her words and the two boys are not sure what question to answer first.

 

‘Hi mum, me too, yes, presents, okay.’ Louis says, surely used to his mom rambling.

 

‘You must be thirsty, let me get you a cup of tea ? Or a glass of water ? Or a coke maybe ?’ Louis’ mom seems as excited as Louis’ sister to see Harry. They’ve never met him but adopt him straight away. They all ask loads of questions about him, his childhood, his family, his hair. Even the twins make him feel welcome as they keep giggling and tugging at his fingers when he plays with their belly. Louis finds himself staring for far too long before his mom notices.

 

‘Maybe one day sweetheart.’ She whispers behind him with a grin. His son smiles back and elbows her, entering the kitchen to help her with the drinks.

 

They spend the day playing family board games with the girls, a Tomlinson tradition, as Dan, Louis’ stepdad and Johannah take care of cooking dinner, a Sunday roast on a Tuesday.

 

‘Don’t tell my mom but this is by far the best meal I’ve ever had Mrs Tomlinson.’

 

‘Harry-‘

 

‘Sorry,  best meal ever Johannah !’

 

The rest of the evening goes by at a nice pace, like a nice day at home. Louis’ family makes Harry feel like he’s part of it and never ask about the formal nature of their relationship, which Harry feared a little bit. They can see how much the two are meant for each other, how much they love each other, a kind of love that nobody can question.

 

When they go upstairs at night, Harry gets a glimpse at Louis’ old bedroom. The walls are covered with the Doncaster Rovers players and a poster of Grease.

 

‘I love Grease !’ Harry shouts.

 

‘You do ? How come I didn’t know that ?’

 

‘How come _I_ didn’t know that about you ?’

 

‘I was Danny Zuko in high school. It’s one of my favorites.’

 

‘What ?!’

 

‘Yeah.’ Louis says, showing off a bit.

 

‘You better shape up,

Cause I need a man

And my heart is set on you _…_ ’ Harry begins to sing and stops, gesturing Louis to continue.

 

‘…. You better shape up,

You better understand

To my heart I must be true…’ Louis sings rolling his eyes and all of a sudden, they’re replaying the scene, dancing perfectly in sync and laughing at loud, giggles echoing in Louis’ room.

 

‘Are you sure I can sleep in your bed ? It feels weird with you mom and stepdad on the other side of the wall…’ Harry asks when they finally end their duet to go to bed.

‘Harry, we’re not gonna break the bed or anything, you’ll just have to control yourself and keep your hands off.’ Louis says with a serious look but never looked less serious in Harry’s eyes who can’t hide a grin, trying hard to mask it biting his bottom lip.

 

‘But you know I’ve got no control around you babe.’ Harry says as he steps forward, closing the gap between them. He tugs at Louis’ sweater and sliding the hood up, kissing the man’s head.

 

‘Hazza…’ Louis tries to put his hood back down but Harry pushes his hands away and starts kissing his neck. He then begins to suck at the skin and licks the mark he’s creating as Louis moans his nickname to make him stop. ‘They’re gonna-‘

 

Before Louis can finish his sentence, Harry is pressing his hands against his bum then beneath it, lifting the man to put him on his bed. Louis wraps his legs around Harry’s waist and tug at his soft curls.

 

‘Are you seriously gonna fuck me with six children in the house ?’

 

‘Babe, I’d fuck you in a nursery, now get your clothes off before I take care of myself.’ Louis obliges, surprised by this new confidence.

 

‘Fuck.’ Louis says, choking in the pillow. Harry is licking the man’s pre come from his head, not leaving his blue eyes for one second. He looks almost angelic with Louis’ cock in his mouth and theere’s something beautiful about that, Louis thinks anyway. When Harry starts sucking, Louis thrusts his hips to fuck his throat and his boy pulls them down to control him. Louis can’t believe this. He’s normally the one in control in bed. He’s the one who normally make him whimper, whines his name as he begs for some sort of relief. But now it’s Louis. He’s pressed on the mattress by his hips and he can feel Harry’s smile against his inner thigh.

 

When he comes back up Louis’ chest, Harry plays with the man’s nipple, sucking at them as he rubs his boyfriend’s cock gently, at a painfully slow pace.

 

‘Come on Haz ! Ah’ Louis begs but it only makes Harry go for more teasing.

 

‘Say what ?’

 

‘You little shit.’ Louis groans and holds Harry’s hair harder.

 

‘Eager are we ?’ Harry requotes Louis’ words and he can’t stop smirking.

 

‘Fuck you.’

 

‘Please do.’

 

Louis takes the opportunity to climb on top of Harry, making the loudest noise they’re sure can be heard nextdoor, but they don’t even care at this point, they’re too far gone.

The man brings his finger to Harry’s mouth and the boy immediately knows what to do. When Louis slides them into his boy, he moans so loud he quickly chokes the sound by putting a hand on his mouth. His head falls backwards and he can’t keep his eyes open.

 

‘More Lou !’ He tries to whisper but fails.

 

‘Fuck. They’re gonna hear us babe, you gotta keep it quiet. Can you do that for me baby ?’

 

‘Yeah…yeah.’

 

When Louis is about to slide his cock into his boy, he pushes him away and throws him back on the bed, kneeling between his thighs.

 

‘No. It’s my turn.’ And fuck, Louis could come just to the sound of that. Harry topping. The sight is incredible. When Harry buries himself into him, Louis whines, turning red not being able to scream Harry’s name as he slips in and out of him at a steady pace, making it last. He hits hard in one thrust and finds his goal : Louis’ prostate. The man is crying, containing himself by tugging at the sheets.

 

‘I’m so close Lou.’

 

‘Come on, go ahead.’

 

‘No.’

 

Harry takes Louis’ cock in his hand and starts moving his hand up and down his length as he keeps getting in and out of him faster.

 

‘Fuck Haz, I’m gonna-‘ And the both of them come with insane moans, Harry inside Louis and Louis on their stomach. The boy collapses on the man’s chest, making a mess on their stomach.

 

‘I fucking love you baby.’

 

‘I fucking love you too Boobear.’

 

 

The morning  almost feel like a new era. A time where they are no longer the teacher and student having an affair, the time when there is no distance, nothing between them, not a few hours, not a few miles, not anyone or anything, just them.

 

It’s Louis’ birthday and he’s greeted by Harry taking care of his morning hardness and he couldn’t be more pleased with his first gift.

 

‘Happy Birthday babe.’ Harry smirks as he licks his mouth covered with Louis’ come. The man thanks him by kissing his wet lips, giggling in his mouth.

 

When they come downstairs for breakfast, the girls all run to Louis to wish him a happy birthday before giving him a combined present, a canvas they painted of Louis and them in the park.

 

‘Happy birthday Lou ! Did you sleep well ?’ Louis’ mom asks the both of them with a knowing look.

 

‘Um, yeah, very well.’ Harry says with guilty face.

 

‘You two might want to keep it quiet, there are children in this house, and me.’ The boys don’t even glance at each other, they just nod awkwardly and promise never to ‘make subjective noises’ again, dying with embarassment.

 

The rest of the day, they spend it on the couch, wrapping presents for Louis’ sisters and chatting with Johannah, Dan being gone at a friend’s. Louis didn’t want a birthday party, he knew he would prefer a lazy day at ahome with his favorite people. When he falls asleep on Harry’s lap, the boy playing with his hair, his mom starts whispering, not wanting to wake him up.

 

‘He really loves you.’

‘I know. I really love him too.’

 

‘I’m glad. It’s the one thing I’ve ever wanted for him, he deserves to be happy.’

 

‘He does, yeah.’ Harry agrees as he looks down at his man, mouth half opened and eyes fluttering under his touch.

 

‘Please don’t hurt him Harry.’ Jo says, worry in her eyes, protecting her child.

 

‘I won’t.’ Harry promises and goes back to caressing Louis’ cheek.

 

The night comes soon after. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and the house is fuzzing with joy. They’ll spend a lazy day in Christmas onesies, watching classics on the telly, cup of hot chocolate in hand and gingerbread men on the table by the fireplace. This winter is cold enough to warm the room with the fire and it feels so cosy Harry wishes he could spend the rest of his life like this, with Louis between his legs, back agains his chest, whispering kind words in his curls and thanking him for being there.

 

 

‘Open it ! Open it !’ Harry rushes Louis in the morning. ‘Wrapped it myself.’ Harry adds with a smirk, showing off his bow.

 

‘Harry, if you don’t calm down, I’ll open it last.’

 

‘Noooo ! Okay I’m calm, I’m calm’ Harry breathes and Louis procedes to open the present. His second one in two days. Yesterday was a collage of photographs Harry took of them and he would lie he said he didn’t go to sleep crying from happiness. He shreds the wrapping paper in one move and opens a box.

 

‘Oh my God. I love you.’ Louis states as he reads the second box. It’s a wireless kettle. He can start preparing tea from the couch with his Iphone. The man throws himself on Harry on the floor, covering his face with kisses and giggling to thank him.

 

‘Open mine !’ Louis sings right after. They’re in Louis’ room, not wanting to make Louis’ family witness their unpredictable reactions. They’ve already opened the present sthe girls, Johannah and Dan got them. Harry got a warm blanket and matching sleepers, which was more for their new appartment, and Louis got the mirror he wanted with a TV inside and useless features he figures he absolutely needed.

 

‘Oh Lou…’ Harry whispers as he unwraps a leather journal.

 

‘I know how much you love writting poems and songs and figured you needed a proper one.’ Louis smiles, still waiting for a reaction.

 

‘This is the best present I’v ever gotten. Thank you Lou !’ Harry jumps on Louis, pressing his lips into a sloppy kiss, grinning so much Louis digs his fingers into his forming dimples.

 

The weekend ends with Johannah hugging the boys tight, saying goodbye as if they weren’t gonna be together again for New Year’s at Harry’s. He loves how much she loves him, how accepted and welcome he felt. It seemed like he was part of Louis’ family, and that means the world to him.

 

 

‘Niall called me, he said he was coming !’ Harry shouts from the trunk to Louis already settled in the passenger seat.

 

‘Zayn and Liam are coming too !’ Louis shouts back.

 

They’ve been planning on throwing a party to celebrate their new life together in their appartment – or at least Louis has. They managed to convince their best friends to come to London. It wouldn’t have been as great without them.

 

*

 

‘What do you think ?’ Harry asks, turning around to show Louis his clothes. They’ve bought matching shirts to wear for the occasion, a navy blue button up and a lighter blue one. They both put their black skinny jeans on and styled their hair, Harry let his loose and Louis put his in a neat quiff.

 

‘Gorgeous. Me ?’

 

‘Outrageously handsome.’ They both grin and stare at each other – as per usual – until someone knocks on the door.

 

‘Niall !’ Harry hugs his friend so tight he chokes.

 

‘Harreh you’re gonna kill me.’

 

‘Hey Niall ! Come in !’ Louis shouts from the kitchen before greeting his boyfriend’s best friend.

 

‘Good to see you mate !’ Niall says back. ‘This place looks fucking good, can I have a tour or something ?’

 

‘Sure ! Let me guide you Neil.’ Harry takes Niall’s hand and pull him to the rest of the appartment, stopping in front of each pictures on the walls and explaining when and where he took all of them with the brightest smile.

 

When a second knock interrumpts them, Louis rushes to greet Zayn and Liam.

 

‘Louis !’ Zayn raises his eyebrows in surprise. It’s clearly been too long since they last saw each other.

 

‘Hi mate !’ Liam says when it’s his turn to face his friend.

 

‘Come in boys, let me show you around !’ Harry yells. He’s always wanted ot be domestic, the great host, so he takes everything in charge on this side and let Louis take care of the entertainment for tonight.

 

When the room is filled with both Louis and Harry’s friends – a few of the boy’s friends work in London so he didn’t have to put much effort into finding people to invite – the music gets louder, people shouting at each other in an attempt to talk, drinks everywhere, laughs heard from the balcony to the living room.

 

‘So what have you been up to this morning ? I tried calling you but it went straight to your voice mail everytime man.’ Liam asks Louis and the man chuckles under his breath with a smirk before looking back at his friend.

 

‘Trying to walk.’

 

‘What ?’ When Liam catches Louis’ smug face he understands. ‘Oh…Oh !’ He raises his eyebrows in shock, amused by the man’s innuendo. ‘Well, you know what they say, early birds get the worm.’

 

‘Oh yeah, early birds get the wood on.’ Louis smiles back and they start giggling and patting their shoulders, when Louis hears Harry flying accross the room to a quieter place, phone in ear.

 

‘What’s up with him ? Looks serious.’ Liam asks as Harry was frowning on all his way to the bedroom.

 

‘No idea. I’ll check on him.’ Louis says and begins to join his boyfriend in their room. When he opens the door, Harry is sitting at the end of the bed, looking down at his phone with a puzzled face. ‘Babe, is everything alright ?’

 

‘Um…yeah.’

 

‘C’mon Haz, tell me, what is it ?’

 

‘i got a call from the university.’

 

‘Yeah ?’

 

‘My application got accepted.’

 

‘What application ?’

 

‘The one to go to California.’

 

‘That’s great ! That’s what you wanted right ? But it’s a bit early to get the response back, innit ?’

 

‘The term starts in nine month but, I applied to an advanced program taking place from next month until the beginning of next term. It’s like for straight A’s, a great opportunity to get into the grade school I want, it’s like a prep school.’ Harry explains as if it was a good thing but not smiling at all.

 

‘Next month ?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

‘But…’

 

‘I know.’

 

The rest of the night is a blur, they spend most of it in the room, not saying anything, sobbing and thinking about how they’re going to handle the news.

 

‘Go.’ Louis finally says.

 

‘What ?’

 

‘It’s always been your plan. I can manage the appartment.’

 

Harry stays silent, not knowing what to say. They stay like that until Niall knocks on the door to check on them and it’s only then that they realize that it’s nearly three in the morning and they didn’t move.

 

‘Guys, you’ve been in there for hours, you can do whatever you’re doing when we leave for fuck’s sake !’ Niall is screaming on the other side of the door and Louis is the first one to stand up and walk to the living room, not saying a word to the irish boy.

 

 

 

 

The next morning is bitter. The memories of last  night were ruined by Harry’s news. It should have been a good one . He should be happy, that’s what he’s always wanted. So why does it feel like the end of the world ?

 

They agreed on spending the holidays drama free, no troubles involved. They would discuss it after New Year’s since Harry only has to give his definite answer on January fourth, the semester beginning  later in the month. It may have created awkward silences and remorsed feelings but they couldn’t let it destroy the holidays. They couldn’t let it ruin the atmosphere at Anne’s, they couldn’t end the year on a bad note. They couldn’t argue about it right now.

 

 

When the countdown begins, they’re gathered in Harry’s childhood home’s garden, waiting for the fireworks to start. As they do so, they tangle their fingers together and look straight at each other. They love each other so much they would let any problems aside just to make sure they build great memories at the right time.

 

‘3…2…1…Happy New Year !’ Multiple voices sings. Harry leans down to put a soft kiss on Louis’ lips who’s grinning so big it almost looks like dimples forming in his cheeks.

 

‘I love you Hazza.’

 

‘I love you Lou.’

 

When they go back inside, they’re greeted by Harry’s entire family, cousins, stepdad, dad, sister, friends and Johannah, Dan and the girls to wish them a happy new year with lots of love and happiness.

 

‘So, what are the plans for this year ? What do you want to achieve ? Harry ?’ Anne asks and Louis rolls his eyes and leave the room within seconds. Harry sighs and runs to catch up with him in his bedroom.

 

‘Louis…’

 

‘No Harry. Don’t.’

 

‘Don’t what ? Say I’m sorry that I had a life and control over everything before you came ?’

 

‘Wow.’ Louis can’t believe the words coming out of his boyfriend’s mouth.

 

‘I didn’t mean it like that…’

 

‘Of course you did. You think I ruined it for you, that everything was crystal clear and then I came along and ruined it.’

 

‘I never said that.’

 

‘No but you don’t need to. I can see it in your eyes whenever people ask you about your future. You always do that thing were you look down and bite your lip and I can feel your regrets through my spine Harry.’

 

‘That’s bullshit. You know I would never blame you for that.’

 

‘Stop fucking lying to me Haz, you know damn well you wanna leave to California but feel trapped with me. Well, I’m letting you go, you can go follow your supposed dreams and become a successful lawyer who hates himself.’

 

‘I’ve always had a plan Louis, you can’t ask me to make me choose between you and the plans I’ve had since middle school. I know what I’ve said but being a photograph or a writer ? Is that gonna pay for anything ?’

 

‘I thought you didn’t care about money.’

 

‘I don’t. But I still have to get a proper job Louis.’

 

‘Go on then, I’m not keeping you in London against your will so you can make me regret it. Actually, I’ll go right now, I’ll leave you to your perfect life that I destroyed and go back to mine.’

 

‘C’mon, you don’t mean that, you need me.’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘Yeah, the only reason why you’re so mad is because you’re afraid. You’re scared as hell because you can’t be by yourself.’

 

‘Don’t…’

 

‘But it’s the truth, you said it yourself, you were weak and then I came along and helped you and now you don’t want me to leave because you’re nothing without me. Well, you’re gonna have to take care of yourself because I accepted the offer. I was gonna tell you that I might not but now that you’re saying what you really think, I guess I can leave earlier. ’

 

‘I hate you.’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘I hate you.’ Louis starts sobbing and yelling at Harry. He can’t take the words anymore, it’s killing him. It’s a blade slicing his throat, it’s a thousand needles on his body, it’s a fire burning him to ashes. ‘I hate you Harry.’ He repeats, crying this time and running to the door. He walks down the street, looking for a cab until he gives up and calls Zayn to pick him up. He leaves the house without saying goodbye, no one notices when he does as they’re all too busy drinking and laughing loud.

 

When Zayn arrives Louis collapses on his friend’s shoulder who rubs his back to calm him.

 

‘He hates me Zayn. He fucking hates me.’ Louis repaets over and over again as Zayn stays quiet. When Louis speaks again, he sounds broken. ‘Does it ever drive you crazy  just how fast the night changes ?’

 


	20. No Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is ! 
> 
> The finale chapter :)
> 
> Please let me know what you thought about the story !

The holidays have left a bitterness in harry’s throat. Why would Louis want him to leave to California after all ? He doesn’t want to go anymore, he doesn’t want to be anymore if it means not being with him. He doesn’t want to become an obnoxious lawyer and get married to someone he won’t love fully. He wants Louis.

 

It hasn’t been the same since New year’s. He stayed in Holmes Chapel ever since and hasn’t talked to Louis. It’s been four days and they still haven’t spoken to each other. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea ot move in together that fast. He erases the thought immediately, reminding him of those coming out of Ben’s mouth. He knows deep down that it wasn’t a mistake, it still isn’t, it can’t be. Louis just has to accept the fact that Harry had a plan before he came along. But again, what will he do without Louis ? Would he meet someone else ? Would he fall in love again ?

 

‘Mate, You’re coming ?!’ Niall yells from the kitchen. Harry agreed to go out tonight. Ed is throwing a party at his place to celebrate his released album. The guy is really talented and Harry wants to support him any way he can. When they arrive at his house, the place his crowded. There must be a lot of musicians and people he met around the world on the tour he did last year - opening for a rather famous band Harry doesn’t like so much – because the rooms are filled with instruments and various accents.

 

‘Hey Harry !’ Ed greets him with a brotherly hug and a bright smile. ‘Are you gonna move to LA man, I’m staying there for five months to work on my music. We could get a flat or something, it’d be wicked !’ Ed seems overexcited, probably from the amount of alcohol he indulged for the past three hours. Harry doesn’t know how to react. He’s wanted this so bad but now the joy isn’t really showing. He doesn’t feel as happy as he thought he would.

 

‘Oh, um, yeah ! That’d be sick.’ Harry says, midly honest.

 

‘Should we sing something before we’re all too drunk to hold a guitar ?’ Niall laughs and everyone follows him, grabbing their guitar, seating behind drums, preparing to sing or just listen to the buff.

 

‘Harry, choose the first song !’ Ed shouts a bit too loud and Harry feels his insides shred. He doesn’t want to party, he doesn’t fell like having fun tonight. Something else is on his mind. He chooses to spread his mood in the room by singing the song Louis wrote for him and everyone sings along at the second chorus and he wants them all to shut it. It’s not for them to sing, it’s for him to remember. He’s been convinced all this time that he was the one who made Louis strong, that he was the pillar, the one who holds the relationship. But God was he wrong. He’s not the one who risked his job, he’s not the one who faced his fears and got into treatment just to keep the relationship going, he’s not the one who was forced to go back to the place of bad memories, just because he was worth it. Bloody hell, he’s not the one who asked to move in together. He’s coming to the realization that maybe he needed to feel like he made Louis strong to not face the reality : Louis changed him too.

 

He made him feel, see and breathe differentely. The way he taught him about how to make other people laugh, cry or be surprised through drama, the way he would take care of Harry with little gestures such as putting the blanket over his shoulders when he would fall asleep on the couch, the way he knew how to make the perfect cup of tea whenever he felt like Harry needed it. The way he would pull the kitten smile to cheer him up when he’s down. The way he would open Harry’s eyes on matters he wouldn’t even have come accross. Without Louis, he probably wouldn’t have gotten into defending gay rights so actively, wanting equality to be the priority, he probably wouldn’t be able to talk to someone so open minded about issues that most people don’t care about or are wrong about. Without Louis, there would be no home, no ship, no butterfly, no anchor, no ‘Hi’, no birdcage, no flower, no mermaid, no lazy days watching Goggle Box in bed, no shopping for lifesize super heroes…There would be no Harry without Louis because there’s not another person Harry has ever been and felt more himself with than Louis. That’s when it hits him : he needs him, he’s the one who was scared of love and Louis is the one who makes him strong.

 

*

 

The reminder of the holidays hasn’t help Louis either. The Christmas tree still in the living room, Harry’s socks on the bedroom floor, the new kettle, the spare key on the counter…Everything is blurred out by the memory of Harry. Everything smells like him, not even the couch is a safe place. It’s all covered by nights spent cuddling or playful fights ending in passionate kisses and just really good sex. The bedroom is the worst. The left side of the bed still has Harry’s shape carved in it, the desk is filled with photographs, polaroids taken of Louis by surprise and every place they kissed in London. The Lego slippers he left behind are still warm and his towel is still wet. It feels like Harry’s everywhere, even though is never been so absent.

 

Louis has spent the last four days with his phone in his hand, wanting to take back everything he said. He can’t stop crying and regretting every word that came out of his mouth and blame Harry for his. The pictures of them on the wall are nothing but mere images of what once was and it may only be four days but it feels like four lifetimes since they last spoke to each other. He’s laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, waiting for Harry to come back and open the door. But he never does.

 

He remembers their last kiss at New Year’s. The promise of many tomorrows, of a Forever. The smile he pulls as he replays the kiss in his head is painful. It’s a knife stabbing him and letting him bleed. It’s a heavy hammer hitting his head and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever felt. Not even the panick attacks, not even the pain he felt when they stole his clothes in middle school to make him run naked to his locker where they had painted the word ‘fag’ equals to what he feels right now. Not even the look on his first girlfriend’s face when he told her he was gay is nearly as painful, not even the sight of his dad leaving, his mom left alone and the confusion of his best friends equals too what he feels right now. It’s not a broken heart, it’s a set of ashes still burning in his chest.

 

He feels like it’s the end, like nothing could ever get better. It feels like he’s lost everything he could need, the only thing, the only person he needed is gone and he’s left alone with pictures and dirty socks. He doesn’t want anything. He’s numb now, scattered on the floor, unable to breathe or move. He doesn’t want to be here anymore, not if it means not being with him. He blames himself, so much. If he hadn’t said those words, maybe Harry would still be here. If he hadn’t said those things he didn’t mean, maybe they would be planning their weekend in France. If he just hadn’t broken them apart.

 

Louis is nothing but a shadow, dragging himself to the kitchen, checking his phone every second, just to make sure. But nothing buzzes, no messages, no calls. It’s over. He must be on the plane at this time. Perrie had told Zayn that Harry confirmed a booked flight for tonight. He didn’t even call to say goodbye.

 

His dark thoughts are cut short when someone rings the bell. His heart shivers and then relaxes at the thought : Harry never rings the bell, he always knock. He doesn’t want to see anyone though. He doesn’t even want to be around himself to be honest. When the fifth ring triggers his anger, he gets off the floor, grunting.

 

‘Who the fuck is this.’ He mumbles to himself.

 

When he opens the door, there’s no one, nothing. The hallway is quiet, not even an echo or a whispered sound. He goes to close his door when he hears it.

 

‘Wait !’ The familiar voice shouts from the elevator.

 

‘Harry ? I thought you left for LA already.’

 

‘I chose you Louis.’

 

‘What ?’

 

‘I will always choose you. Whatever I do, whatever happens, I will always choose you because you make me strong Lou, and I’m all yours, I’ve got no control.’

 

 THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been really fun writing this !
> 
> If you enjoyed comment so I can write a new one and send requests :)
> 
> I also will update one last time with an epilogue
> 
> x


	21. Epilogue

‘Lou ! Lou ! Hurry up you’re gonna miss it !’ Harry yells and Louis runs through the house and jumps on the couch next to Harry to see it. He can’t believe his eyes. His play is really airing on a national TV channel. It’s happening. ‘I’m so proud of you babe.’ Harry whispers in his ear when the man sobs.

 

‘Dad ! It’s you Dad, look !’

 

‘I know love, I know !’ Louis watches himself bow in front of a full audience on stage. He’s worked so hard to put everything together and now that it’s real he can’t put what he feels into words.

 

He’s come a long way from London to Los Angeles. He thought moving overseas was going to be the most challenging thing he’s ever done. But he was wrong. It was, and still is, the best decision of his life….or the second one.

 

Harry also went through quite a lot. After returning to live with Louis in London, they decided to stay for a year and then move to Los Angeles to achieve their dreams. Harry graduated and saw his first book ‘Strong’ published and translated worldwide. They left for California after he got an offer from a reknown editor, begging him to come work in the best weather with a great pay. When he told Louis, the man was as excited as him as he finally quit his job to set up his own play, working with actual actors who preferred the stage compared to the big screen.

 

A year after moving in LA, Louis finally proposed to Harry on a hike. When he said yes, not without crying and smiling big enough to dig holes in his dimples, Louis put a ring on Harry’s finger, a silver jewelry with the words ‘ _He makes me strong’_ carved on the inside. Of course, Harry took a dozen shots that day and put them all in a collage on their bedroom wall in their house. It’s not a big house but it’s big enough. The villa is on a hill, facing the Pacific ocean on one side and the city on the other. With both Louis’ play and Harry’s book and photographs, they’ve managed to build a comfortable life together.

 

Six years of marriage and they still love each other like the first day. They still catch themselves staring at each other, grinning, they still hold hands whenever they get the chance and they still make the neighbors call at four in the morning to stop making so much noise. Eight years of being together and they still love each other to death.

 

Today, they have to bring their five-year-old daughter, Zoe, to her first day at school. They’re planning on adopting a second child, a boy this time. They couldn’t be happier. They feel like it’s the kind of happiness you only read about. The kind that gives you a reason to get up in the morning and go to sleep at night. It’s the kind of love that makes you wanna scream out loud on top of the roof how happy you are, it’s the kind of love that can’t be broken. It's the kind of love there is between Harry and Louis.

 

As for Zayn, Liam and Niall, they still keep in touch with them. They often visit as Niall dropped out of college to follow Ed on tour as his opening act and became a great singer, touring the world and dating fans every other month. Zayn is still teaching English but also hosted his first art exhibition to expose his graffittis and got spotted by a famous artist who made him sign a contract to sell his pieces. Him and Perrie got married a year ago and have the sweetest little girl, Yasmina. As for Liam, he got transfered to an actual firestation and often gets on the news for saving lives. He also got married with Sophia and they’re expecting twins by the end of the month. They all get together at least once a year, just the five of them, to catch up and let the children play together.

 

Louis and Harry do argue sometimes, just like every normal couples, but they know that their love is unbreakable. They will always remember the first time they saw each other just as much as the first time they left each other. They sometimes talk about that night. What if Harry didn’t come back ? What if Louis had given up too soon ? What if they never forgave each other ?

 

They always come with the same answer though.

 

Whatever bullshit they’ve been through, whatever doubts they’ve had. None of it matters because, no matter what, their bond is strong enough. _They_ are strong enough.

 

They were meant to be together and that’s the one thing they have no control over.


End file.
